- Messages
- 393
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 104
- #1
Thread Owner
Controlling relationships don't come to mind when you think of relationships or when you get into one, resulting in them being discussed less and less. There are many people who have or will go through a controlling relationship some time in their life, male or female. However, it's not something people think about before getting into a relationship, making them incredibly vulnerable if it happens. There are many people who do not believe controlling relationships exist at all but I can tell you from my own personal experience, they do. I thought I'd give you some signs of a controlling relationship which you can look out for in your current or future relationship to help you avoid the emotional pain a controlling relationship can bring.
It all starts with small remarks about you or your life. You accept their view as to not appear unappreciative or defensive. In the beginning, you try to please your partner, not scare them away. They continue to be more critical but by now you've developed feelings and you feel you have to abide by their opinion to avoid an argument. Your judgement becomes clouded and you start wondering if maybe it's you that's in the wrong, not the other. You start believing that their criticisms of you are right but you still hope to make the relationship like it was when you both first got together.
All of it is emotionally draining and you rely on them more and more, believing they're the only one who loves you and all of your 'imperfections'. Controlling partners want you to feel bad or to have a negative view of yourself, just like they have.
Belittling-
Controlling people tend to make their partner feel worthless or not as good as them, so you'll look up to them and rely on them and nobody else. This is their way of making you dependent on them; making you less likely to leave. If your partner insults you or just makes you feel insecure in some way, they're belittling you. You don't belittle or insult someone you love.
Physical Abuse-
Any form of hitting is bad and it's a form of control. It makes them feel and appear more powerful than you, so they expect you to do what they want, otherwise they'll use this false sense of ?power? against you again. You should try to leave as soon as they're violent. Never believe it was a ?mistake? and they'll never do it again. Usually, the first time, they'll give you a sob story and beg for your forgiveness. Don't fall for it. If they genuinely loved you, they could never bring themselves to lay a finger on you. If you feel that it isn't possible for you to leave them, seek help from family and friends and/or get the police involved as soon as possible.
Punishing-
If they ?punish? you for certain behaviours, even if they're small things like not answering your phone, being late, looking at another person etc. that is a big sign of controlling behaviour. They may punish you by taking something away from you, being physically abusive, making you feel guilty for doing it and basically punishing you like you're a child. Treating you like a child is also a way of belittling you and making you feel like they have more power and authority over you.
Mistrust/Accusations-
People who control are usually very insecure and this false sense of authority/power gives them a bit more security. Insecurity usually comes hand in hand with paranoia. If your partner always accuses you of cheating on them or other accusations, like looking at someone else, which then results in some kind of punishment, like threatening to leave you or even hitting you, then this is controlling and it isn't how you should be treated.
Jealousy-
If they talk about the opposite sex a lot, they're most likely trying to make you jealous and make you think that the opposite sex are always all over them, when usually that's not the case. By doing that they make you feel lucky to have them and so you want them more than ever. So if they're always talking about how the opposite sex (or same sex if you're a gay couple) are all over them all the time, they're probably trying to make you feel this way.
Mood swings-
Controlling people don't want to lose you, so if they go too far and you show signs or even say you're considering leaving them, they'll change. They'll become nicer, more interested in what you have to say, act like they're listening to you or if you notice their controlling behaviour, they'll promise you they'll change and that they understand what you're saying. They may even say they're wrong or apologise to you to make you think that they're going to change. But they never do. It's common knowledge that controlling people are hard to, if not impossible to change because that's who they are, it's part of them and their personality. So don't wait around hoping they'll change. Most of the time, they just hide their real thoughts. They still think you're wrong, they'll just not openly say it to make you believe they think you're right.
They know/say more-
This is part of belittling you. They may say they're more experienced/knowledgeable than you, mainly if they're older than you and give you the impression that they're trying to make you a better person. But you show someone by example, not by making them better. If they talk over you, do most of the talking, or if you feel they don't listen to you, then they most likely aren't listening and they believe what you're saying has no value. This makes you feel like your words as well as you, are worthless.
Your fault-
They tend to blame everything on you, even if you and many others agree that they're in the wrong, they will not admit it and will blame it on you or anyone else for that matter. You can give them all the evidence in the world to prove they're wrong and they will still make up excuses or reasons why you or someone else is to blame. This usually comes along with ?guilt tripping?; making you feel guilty for perfectly innocent things that they dislike. For example, if you went for an innocent walk with a friend of the opposite sex (same sex if you're gay) and your partner dislikes this because of their insecurities and paranoia, they'll put you down and make you feel bad for doing it. They'll do anything to stop you from doing it again. Some may make up a lie saying they worried for your safety when in all honesty, they were just scared you'd cheat on them.
Lying-
They lie... a lot. They can lie about anything, whether they're covering up their tracks (lying about past relationships and why they ended), trying to manipulate you using lies to make you feel secure with them or even lying about your friends/family to turn you away from them. Controlling people aren't afraid of lying and they will do it as much as needed to get full control over you.
If you believe that you're in a controlling or abusive relationship, there are many sites you can visit for extra help and advice. See some below. If you need immediate help, then both sites contain helplines you can call for advice or you can talk on chat to an adviser. If you ever feel like your safety is in jeopardy, then don't be afraid to contact the police.
British help site
American help site
Thank-you for reading!
It all starts with small remarks about you or your life. You accept their view as to not appear unappreciative or defensive. In the beginning, you try to please your partner, not scare them away. They continue to be more critical but by now you've developed feelings and you feel you have to abide by their opinion to avoid an argument. Your judgement becomes clouded and you start wondering if maybe it's you that's in the wrong, not the other. You start believing that their criticisms of you are right but you still hope to make the relationship like it was when you both first got together.
All of it is emotionally draining and you rely on them more and more, believing they're the only one who loves you and all of your 'imperfections'. Controlling partners want you to feel bad or to have a negative view of yourself, just like they have.
Belittling-
Controlling people tend to make their partner feel worthless or not as good as them, so you'll look up to them and rely on them and nobody else. This is their way of making you dependent on them; making you less likely to leave. If your partner insults you or just makes you feel insecure in some way, they're belittling you. You don't belittle or insult someone you love.
Physical Abuse-
Any form of hitting is bad and it's a form of control. It makes them feel and appear more powerful than you, so they expect you to do what they want, otherwise they'll use this false sense of ?power? against you again. You should try to leave as soon as they're violent. Never believe it was a ?mistake? and they'll never do it again. Usually, the first time, they'll give you a sob story and beg for your forgiveness. Don't fall for it. If they genuinely loved you, they could never bring themselves to lay a finger on you. If you feel that it isn't possible for you to leave them, seek help from family and friends and/or get the police involved as soon as possible.
Punishing-
If they ?punish? you for certain behaviours, even if they're small things like not answering your phone, being late, looking at another person etc. that is a big sign of controlling behaviour. They may punish you by taking something away from you, being physically abusive, making you feel guilty for doing it and basically punishing you like you're a child. Treating you like a child is also a way of belittling you and making you feel like they have more power and authority over you.
Mistrust/Accusations-
People who control are usually very insecure and this false sense of authority/power gives them a bit more security. Insecurity usually comes hand in hand with paranoia. If your partner always accuses you of cheating on them or other accusations, like looking at someone else, which then results in some kind of punishment, like threatening to leave you or even hitting you, then this is controlling and it isn't how you should be treated.
Jealousy-
If they talk about the opposite sex a lot, they're most likely trying to make you jealous and make you think that the opposite sex are always all over them, when usually that's not the case. By doing that they make you feel lucky to have them and so you want them more than ever. So if they're always talking about how the opposite sex (or same sex if you're a gay couple) are all over them all the time, they're probably trying to make you feel this way.
Mood swings-
Controlling people don't want to lose you, so if they go too far and you show signs or even say you're considering leaving them, they'll change. They'll become nicer, more interested in what you have to say, act like they're listening to you or if you notice their controlling behaviour, they'll promise you they'll change and that they understand what you're saying. They may even say they're wrong or apologise to you to make you think that they're going to change. But they never do. It's common knowledge that controlling people are hard to, if not impossible to change because that's who they are, it's part of them and their personality. So don't wait around hoping they'll change. Most of the time, they just hide their real thoughts. They still think you're wrong, they'll just not openly say it to make you believe they think you're right.
They know/say more-
This is part of belittling you. They may say they're more experienced/knowledgeable than you, mainly if they're older than you and give you the impression that they're trying to make you a better person. But you show someone by example, not by making them better. If they talk over you, do most of the talking, or if you feel they don't listen to you, then they most likely aren't listening and they believe what you're saying has no value. This makes you feel like your words as well as you, are worthless.
Your fault-
They tend to blame everything on you, even if you and many others agree that they're in the wrong, they will not admit it and will blame it on you or anyone else for that matter. You can give them all the evidence in the world to prove they're wrong and they will still make up excuses or reasons why you or someone else is to blame. This usually comes along with ?guilt tripping?; making you feel guilty for perfectly innocent things that they dislike. For example, if you went for an innocent walk with a friend of the opposite sex (same sex if you're gay) and your partner dislikes this because of their insecurities and paranoia, they'll put you down and make you feel bad for doing it. They'll do anything to stop you from doing it again. Some may make up a lie saying they worried for your safety when in all honesty, they were just scared you'd cheat on them.
Lying-
They lie... a lot. They can lie about anything, whether they're covering up their tracks (lying about past relationships and why they ended), trying to manipulate you using lies to make you feel secure with them or even lying about your friends/family to turn you away from them. Controlling people aren't afraid of lying and they will do it as much as needed to get full control over you.
If you believe that you're in a controlling or abusive relationship, there are many sites you can visit for extra help and advice. See some below. If you need immediate help, then both sites contain helplines you can call for advice or you can talk on chat to an adviser. If you ever feel like your safety is in jeopardy, then don't be afraid to contact the police.
British help site
American help site
Thank-you for reading!
