Expectation vs Reality

[Mayu]

In life we're bound to have expectations and hopes. It's a given that we can't have all our hopes to be granted in real world, though in some cases you just can't help but feeling frustrated and disappointed when things do not happen as you wish.

In my on-going relationships, I'm actually aware from the beginning that my bf is not a highly attentive one. He doesn't respond to my chats that prompt or often. Yet there are times when I wish it was the other way around, that he'd show how much he care by asking simple questions (like if I say I'm going to X he could've asked why should I go there, assuming the place is not a supermarket or something obvious like that). But we've talked about this previously and I promised myself to be more lenient and accepting.

I guess the question is how much should I wait? At what point should I raise my voice or should I not do that at all? Am I being too selfish or is this still within limits of what I can ask?

Thanks in advance.

 

[sharon]

Mayu,

I can relate to what you're saying my husband has difficulty expressing himself. I've discovered that it's not because he doesn't care or doesn't "want" to express himself - I believe that he simply doesn't feel the need to. I think us being females we are naturally conversational types and typically guys are not. Have you ever heard of the 'Love Languages' it's interesting - where they say that people (males and females) have different love languages; they express and receive love in specific ways (some more than others). In my opinion you should not raise your voice at all; instead try to identify how you and him give/receive love.

The Five Languages:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch

 

[Mayu]

Mayu,

I can relate to what you're saying my husband has difficulty expressing himself.  I've discovered that it's not because he doesn't care or doesn't "want" to express himself - I believe that he simply doesn't feel the need to.  I think us being females we are naturally conversational types and typically guys are not.  Have you ever heard of the 'Love Languages' it's interesting - where they say that people (males and females) have different love languages; they express and receive love in specific ways (some more than others). In my opinion you should not raise your voice at all; instead try to identify how you and him give/receive love.  

The Five Languages:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch

Thank you for the reply, Sharon! Yeah, I can't agree more. Some of my friends' boyfriends seem to be more talkative, thus me getting somehow jealous. But if I think about it again it does seem like boys don't talk that much or express things so clearly like what we expected. I'm learning to accept that.

Yeah, we did try to find our love languages at first. We both had quality time and acts of service. I guess that way it's wrong me to expect him to say love words or something. Sometimes we do talk about what we want to see from the others and I think it's working fine so far. Now that I'm more calmed down, I might have gone overboard at that time with such thought.

 

[Hugop]

Mayu,

I can relate to what you're saying my husband has difficulty expressing himself.  I've discovered that it's not because he doesn't care or doesn't "want" to express himself - I believe that he simply doesn't feel the need to.  I think us being females we are naturally conversational types and typically guys are not.  Have you ever heard of the 'Love Languages' it's interesting - where they say that people (males and females) have different love languages; they express and receive love in specific ways (some more than others). In my opinion you should not raise your voice at all; instead try to identify how you and him give/receive love.  

The Five Languages:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch

Thank you for the reply, Sharon! Yeah, I can't agree more. Some of my friends' boyfriends seem to be more talkative, thus me getting somehow jealous. But if I think about it again it does seem like boys don't talk that much or express things so clearly like what we expected. I'm learning to accept that.

Yeah, we did try to find our love languages at first. We both had quality time and acts of service. I guess that way it's wrong me to expect him to say love words or something. Sometimes we do talk about what we want to see from the others and I think it's working fine so far. Now that I'm more calmed down, I might have gone overboard at that time with such thought.

As a boy, I have to agree that girls are really talkative. Sometimes my gf sends me a text message while I am already doing something and I forgot to reply. Girls have so many creativity(I dont know the right word) and are capable to talk with anyone for hours. I wont send you a screenshot of my messages but the most times I send emotions, answer okay with emotions or short answers and rarely something big/interesting.

Conclusion: You cant change the fact that pigs can't fly. Same for boys doing something they can't. But if he texts with others a lot, that is something different.

 

[Mayu]

As a boy, I have to agree that girls are really talkative. Sometimes my gf sends me a text message while I am already doing something and I forgot to reply. Girls have so many creativity(I dont know the right word) and are capable to talk with anyone for hours. I wont send you a screenshot of my messages but the most times I send emotions, answer okay with emotions or short answers and rarely something big/interesting.

Conclusion: You cant change the fact that pigs can't fly. Same for boys doing something they can't. But if he texts with others a lot, that is something different.

LOL, yeah, that seems to be the case usually. I don't always have things to talk about, but seems like I do have more than my bf. He rarely uses stickers/emoticons, though, whereas I spam those things when chatting.

I know. Sometimes he can talk crazy with other friends but he seems more composed when talking to me. But sometimes he responds to my crazy chats as well. I guess it depends on his mood and situation, maybe. But I'm learning to accept him more and just enjoy the flow. Been going good so far. :D

 

[sharon]

I remember I used to get jealous because it seemed like whenever we had get togethers with our friends suddenly he has a million things to talk about or opinions about different things. I realized that just like anyone else he just needs to have a GREAT interest in something before he can really start chatting away. When you live together with someone especially communication can get difficult because most of the time you've already talked about the same topics already. lol That's why I think it's important to experience new things together so that there is always something new talk about as well.

 

[Mayu]

I remember I used to get jealous because it seemed like whenever we had get togethers with our friends suddenly he has a million things to talk about or opinions about different things.  I realized that just like anyone else he just needs to have a GREAT interest in something before he can really start chatting away.  When you live together with someone especially communication can get difficult because most of the time you've already talked about the same topics already. lol  That's why I think it's important to experience new things together so that there is always something new talk about as well.

Wow, I'm really great I decided to talk to you guys because I'm glad I'm not alone in this kind of situation. :lol: Finding new things to do together is often not easy because each of us are busy with different things, but that's definitely worth trying.

 

[Hugop]

 He rarely uses stickers/emoticons

:disapointed: poor you

 

[Kaynil]

On the other hand never bottle your feelings. I have the rule of the 3 days with my partner. When I just moved to Australia I would end up holding a lot of things and misunderstanding situations and stuff. That helped me sort the overall petty stuff that I got over from the what I felt was petty stuff but that somehow were still getting to me. Instead of beating myself into minimizing it and keep bottling in future instances I would talk to my dove about it. I would say how it made me feel and why I thought it was affecting me the way it did. It helped me heaps. The more time that passes the less I have had to keep the rule in mind, it just becomes natural.

So, my advice is to be honest with your partner if something keeps bothering, don't bottle it just because you think it is petty or that you "shouldn't" feel the way you do about it.

 

[Mayu]

 He rarely uses stickers/emoticons

:disapointed: poor you

I'm used to it already. :lol:

On the other hand never bottle your feelings. I have the rule of the 3 days with my partner. When I just moved to Australia I would end up holding a lot of things and misunderstanding situations and stuff. That helped me sort the overall petty stuff that I got over from the what I felt was petty stuff but that somehow were still getting to me. Instead of beating myself into minimizing it and keep bottling in future instances I would talk to my dove about it. I would say how it made me feel and why I thought it was affecting me the way it did. It helped me heaps. The more time that passes the less I have had to keep the rule in mind, it just becomes natural.

So, my advice is to be honest with your partner if something keeps bothering, don't bottle it just because you think it is petty or that you "shouldn't" feel the way you do about it.

Indeed. That is a rough area, though. As much as I want to be honest sometimes I'm also worried that I may hurt his feelings because I'm being too sensitive. It's hard to get over that kind of thoughts. What I'm doing so far is to choose the topics; I share the important matters as soon as possible while I keep some others for other time, in a more relaxed atmosphere. So far it's working good. We don't fight as much as we did in previous months, lol.

 

[Kaynil]

Oh yeah, "time and place" says my mother, hahah.
It is important how you deliver. It sounds like you got it under control.

 

[Mayu]

Oh yeah, "time and place" says my mother, hahah.
It is important how you deliver. It sounds like you got it under control.

I'm still learning to do it, but nowadays it's better than previously.

 

[sharon]

Oh yeah, "time and place" says my mother, hahah.
It is important how you deliver. It sounds like you got it under control.

I'm still learning to do it, but nowadays it's better than previously.

That's great to hear! Relationships are not easy. If it was... it wouldn't be worth it.