HOW TO TAKE A POOP AT WORK We've all been there but
don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our
cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2000 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out while
taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot
flash you receive when passing an unseen police car
and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the
toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air
time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can
help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and **** proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS. Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms
somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper
of your sex entering the bathroom.
**** BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not
realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump
at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until
the **** Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a
stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential **** Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential **** Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON. Definition: A **** that creates a loud
splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that
creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to
linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths
of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
------------------
The Captain: What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week - which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men.
Later, Luke: What we've got here is a failure to communicate....
don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our
cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2000 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out while
taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a
stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot
flash you receive when passing an unseen police car
and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the
toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air
time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can
help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and **** proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS. Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms
somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper
of your sex entering the bathroom.
**** BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not
realize that you are in the stall and tries to force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump
at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until
the **** Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a
stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to alert potential **** Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential **** Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON. Definition: A **** that creates a loud
splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that
creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to
linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths
of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
------------------
The Captain: What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week - which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men.
Later, Luke: What we've got here is a failure to communicate....
