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Just For A Laugh

The preacher in his Sunday sermonused "Forgive Your Enemy" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were now willing to forgive their enemies. About half put their hands up.
Not satisfied with just half, he bellowed on for a further 20 mintues and then repeated his question. This time about 80% put up their hands. Still unsatisfied, he leactured on for a further 15mintues and then once again repeated his questions.
With thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded (so he would stop) except for elderly lady in the back.
"Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" the preacher asked. "I do not have any," she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, how can that be? How old are you?"
"I am 93 years old," said Mrs Jones.
"Well then, Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be 93 years old and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweet looking old lady toddles down the aisle, very slowly turns around, and said in a clear, loud voice, "Well it is quite easy. I just outlived all the old cows."
 
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate
that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's
okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an
inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and
disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
 
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that.......... Chuck was too tired.'

God is good
 
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover, afetr a night out at the pub. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He swallows these and climbs out of bed. He reaches for his clothes only to find them all cleaned and ironed. In fact looking around the room, Marty notices everything is in perfect order and spotlessly clean. He notices a note next to the glass and picks it up and reads, 'Honey, breakfast is in the microwave. Left early to get some shopping done. I love you!'
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast waiting for him in the microwave, plus the morning newspaper on the table. He joins his son, who is seated at the table eating breakfast and asks, "What is going on? What happened here last night?"
His son says "Well you came home around 3am, drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, vomitted in the hallway, knocked the fish bowl over and gave yourself a black eye when you ran into a door."
Confused Marty asks, "If that is the case, why is everything in order, breakfast cooked and ready, and the morning paper on the table?"
His son replies, "Ohhh that! Well when Mum dragged you upstairs and into the bedroom, and tried to remove your pants you said, Back off lady, this aint gonna happen. I'm a married man."

---------- Post added at 08:55 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:54 PM ----------

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the hot sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow replied, "That's a pretty hard life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty, and I will give you back the other forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who walks in or past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog replied, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I will give you back the other ten."
And God agreed.
On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh and I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The monkey replied, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. The dog gave back ten, so that is what I will do also."
And God once again agreed.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy life to the full. Do nothing but enjoy and I will give you twenty years."
The man replied, "Only twenty years?? No way God. Tell you what, I'll keep my twenty and take the cows forty, plus the monkeys ten and the dogs ten. That makes eighty. Deal?"
And God agreed, "Deal."

And that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy and do nothing.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family, for the next ten years after that we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everyone who goes by!
Life is explained!
 
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.
 
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.

The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.

The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woke him.

"We're sorry," the monks said. "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but eager to be going, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the alluring
sound.

Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.

Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."

By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.

Twelve years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.

Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last. The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before..........

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But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk! :Naughty_Face::lol2:
 
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home, that happened to be near a high school. He moved in and that very afternoon three young boys, full of after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, merrily beating on every rubbish bin they passed.
This continued every afternoon, day after day, until the old man stopped them and said, "You kids are such fun! I like to see you having a good time and expressing yourseleves. I'll give each of you a dollar if you promise to come around every day and keep doing your thing."
The boys were elated and took him up on his deal, and continued to bang on all the bins they passed on the street. After a few days the old man once again stops the boys, and says with a sad smile "I'm sorry boys, I can't afford it anymore. From now on I'll only be able to pay you 25 cents each to bang on the rubbish bins."
"25 CENTS?!" the leading boy shouted. "If you think we are going to watse our time banging on the bins for 25 cents you're mad. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and quiet thereafter!

---------- Post added at 12:28 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:28 PM ----------

The Atheist!

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! Yes evolution has created many amazing things."
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling sound in the bush behind him. He turned and looked and what he saw made his blood turn to ice. A 7ft grizzly was charging toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was gaining on him and he tried to run faster.
His heart was pumping frantically as he once again looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was now even closer. He tripped and fell to the ground, as he rolled over and went to pick himself up he noticed the bear was now right on top of him. The bear raised his right paw, ready to strike...At that moment the athiest cried out, "God help me!"
Time stood still. Rivers where stopped. The forest become dead silent and the bear frozen in time. A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I do not exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. And now you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The athiest looked directly into the light, "I guess it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now........but........perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out, the sounds returned to the forest and the bear became unfrozen. Just then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head as if to pray. And then he spoke, "Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truely thankful. Amen."
 
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America, & de odder in Australia & here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way, ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!


Tis me................ I've Quit Drinking!"

---------- Post added at 07:24 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:23 PM ----------

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.



The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.



Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls.'



Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked:


'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
 
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After getting all of the Popes luggage loaded into the limo(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, your holiness,"says the driver, "If you would please take your seat we can leave now."
"Well to tell you the truth, "says the Pope, "noone ever lets me drive, and I would really like to drive."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that."
"I promise it will just be for short while, " replies the Pope.
"I can't! I will lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, now seriously wishing he had not gone to work that morning.
"It's all right, nothing will happen. And there might be something extra in it for you, "says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind the wheel. The driver very quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 130mph.
"Please slow down, your holiness, "begs the worried driver in the back, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down his window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him and quickly runs back to his motorcycle, gets on the radio and asks for assistance.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 130mph.
"What's the problem then...bust him,"says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important!" replies the cop.
The Chief exclaims, "All the more reason! They think they can get away with anything."
"But," stutters the cop, "I mean this one is REALLY important!"
The Chief then asks, "Who you got there? The Mayor?"
Cop replies, "Bigger!"
"Well,"says the Chief, "the Governor?"
Cop replies, "Bigger!"
"A President?" asks the Chief.
Cop replies, "Bigger! Sir, I think it's God!"
"What?!" chokes the Chief, "What makes you think it's God?"
To which the cop replies, "He's got the Pope as a chauffuer!"
 
divastar said:
Edna and her husband went to the local show every year. And every year Edna would say "Fred, I would like to go on the airplane ride." and every year Fred would reply, "I know Edna, but the ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars!"

One year Edna and Fred are once again at the show and Edna says to Fred, "I am 71 years old. If I do not ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Fred once again replies, "Edna, the ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overhears them and says, "I will make a deal with you. I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can keep quiet for the entire ride I won't charge you...but if you even say one word, it's ten dollars."

Edna and Fred agree, and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does even more dangerous tricks, but still not a word. They finally land and the pilot turns to Edna and say "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to scream or yell, but you didn't, so no charge."

Edna replies, "Well....I was going to say something when Fred fell out but as he always says, ten dollars is ten dollars!"

---------- Post added at 12:55 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:54 PM ----------

I always give 100% at work.............

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday and
5% on Friday
Click to expand...

This is one was really funny. I thought it would be a simple one, but nice one there. Keep it up.
 
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said he didn't realise a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'
 
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7
blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "**** me".
What happened next will haunt me forever.
 
Pope John Paul II arrives in heaven. St. Peter says, "Quite frankly you're very lucky to even be here."
Pope John Paul II looks very confused, "Why? What did I do wrong on Earth?"
St. Peter replies, "God was very angry with your stance on the issue of women becoming priests."
Pope John Paul II says, "He was mad about that??"
St. Peter says, "SHE was furious!"

---------- Post added at 08:16 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:15 AM ----------

As the storm raged, the captain realizes his ship is going to sink. He calls out, "Does anyone here know how to pray?"
One of the crew steps forward, "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Well good," says the Captain, "you go below and pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - it seems we are one short!"
 
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.
" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
 
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes, with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I have you both beat. You remember how Mother enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she cannot see very well anymore so I sent her this remarkable parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He is one of a kind, Mother just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot can recite it."
Not long after the sons received letters from their Mother.
"Milton," she wrote to her first son, "the house is lovely but it is so huge. I live in only one room, but have to clean all of them."
"Gerald," she wrote to her second son, "I am too old to travel anymore, so I rarely ever use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude."
"Dearest Donald,"she wrote to her third son, "you had the good sense to know what your Mother likes. Thank you so much - the chicken was delicious!"

---------- Post added at 10:11 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:10 PM ----------

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent thier honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife to fly down the following day.
The husband arrives and checks into the hotel. He finds things have changed abit and that they even have a computer in their room, so he decides to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentially left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sends the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow has just returned home from her husbands funeral. He was a minister who had been 'called home' after suffering a heart attack. The widow decides to check her emails, fully expecting lots of messages of condolence from family and friends. After reading the first message, she screams and faints. The widows son rushes into the room to find his mother on the floor, and a computer screen which read:

TO: My Loving Wife
SUBJECT: I've Arrived
DATE: October 16th 2004
I know you're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have checked in. I will see to it that everything has been prepared for you arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
 
STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Ken ya swaller?" asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer..

Bazza said in admiration
"Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it!"
 
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-assed colonel swanks around in."
There was stoney silence for a moment or two. "Do you know who you are talking too?"
"No," said Paddy.
"This is the so called fat-assed colonel you so insubordinately referred to."
Paddy replies, "Well, do you know who you are talking too?"
"NO!" roared the colonel.
"Well thank goodness for that!" said Paddy as he hung up.

---------- Post added at 11:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:03 PM ----------

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says "WHOOOAAA, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"
 
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