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Kids & Behavior at School

HUGS!!!!

Some things that helped with our transition:

Make sure to 'catch' them doing something right -no matter how small, praise and give small rewards as much as possible. With my youngest especially, once she starts to get in trouble she can spiral into more and more trouble - but if we can catch her doing something right we can often get her on track to doing more things right. Ask the teachers to try and 'catch her doing something right too.

Advice that my mom gave me over and over and over. Focus on one thing. Pick the one thing that is most important to improve and focus on that, when that gets better, then work on something else. If you stress about 5 million things they you don't even notice the things that do get better.

Another thing that helped us is modeling the behavior. Not just saying do this - but showing it. Play school - pretend to do what she does, (possibly with her being the teacher), then go through it again and do it the 'right' way. You may find out that her perspective on what is going on the in situations is . . . skewed. With my youngest we do this for lots of situtations, doing dishes, brushing hair, walking dog, etc etc etc
 
Oh and a parent teacher log book. You log what is going on at home, they log what is going on at school. And break down the log into parts of the day. Having a bad morning, doesn't make the whole day bad.

This creates more communication with the teachers and parents, and also more documentation for therapists and social workers.
 
dragonfly said:
Thank you Mrs. Melton...I have never heard of "Stop, Think, Act," so I will read up on it & ask her therapist. (I'm reallllyyyyy holding off doing much more with the current therapist...she is very much "she's a little girl, this is her pattern, etc." as far as I can tell, they have done NOTHING to change her behaviors, they just sit & chat & rehash the past. (Like the girl continuously "plays out" drowning a plastic animal in a little pool in her office & the therapist "saves" the animal. This could be because A) she was water tortured by her father (true) or B) she leans towards animal torture. No one knows, and no one is doing much to FIGURE IT OUT. :gah: )

I have to run....I'll get to the rest of yours later, didn't want you to think I was ignoring your advice. ;)
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gotta go too (but I am back in here...lol), just wanted to add that play therapy is about repeating the past over and over, it is about finding a theme. BUT eventually that theme is taken and used to move forward too. GREAT job that she can act this out in play therapy though, she is/has processed the event. PS I really dont do well with play therapy, I am the one sitting there like "Ok I get it, your dad beat your mom...come on lets move on" :hides: so I fully get your frustration :)
 
Another thing I remembered from when I first inherited nephew for good (he was 7 and had full-blown property-destroying rages just about every day), and when DH's kids came (had never been to any type of day care and would cry the ENTIRE time they were there):

IME, kids, especially challenged kids, can either be "good" all day at school, or at home. Not typically both, until they get a little older. I think "normal" kids are like this, too, to a degree.

There were literally times I locked nephew in his room to work it out. He wasn't self-destructive, just screamy-ragey-tantrumy. I will post right here that there were times when I locked him in his room then went IN THE SHOWER just for some peace.

Perfect? No. But I don't ever want you to feel isolated or like you are failing in some way. Raising damaged kids for me is the definition of a labor of love. Easier in some ways because they aren't "yours", i.e. you didn't create their malfunction, but harder, too, because the weight of the responsibility when they aren't yours is so heavy.

Get Cesar Milans books if you can. The Dog Whisperer series. MANY of his techniques with outrageous or abused dogs work just as well with children, modified for human behaviors. The best thing he teaches is if we (the caregivers) are ourselves stuck in the past and pitying those we care for for their past, then they can never move beyond it, their past defines them. He has a singular joy for shedding off the past and focusing on the now, and the future. Won't fix everything, but it really helped us.
 
dragonfly said:
... she was water tortured by her father (true) ....
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:eek: OMG. So many :huggy: for you for being so committed to this girl. So many people have failed her. You are really doing everything in your power to help her and I <3 you for that.
 
Kathy....OMG, I separated them, set the timer for 20 minutes of math & went on my merry way. There is 6 minutes left. The girl has completed TWO out of about 50 problems. The boy has completed FIVE out of about 30 problems.

:snort:

I am so happy I have a baseball board meeting tonight & a babysitter on the way. I am going to have a big **** glass of wine. The meeting minutes should be great. :lol:
 
One thing that comes to mind is do they have a sensory diet in place at school. For my son it is essential. Swinging is something that he benefits greatly from and he has designated sensory breaks.

Also, ask teacher if you can reduce the homework. 50 problems may be too much for her. Perhaps 5 problems. It might decrease her frustration. And as she adjusts you can increase her work.

Hugs to you...
 
It doesn't matter what they finish. I would just say "Wow! You finished TWO out of FIFTY problems! All on your own! Great job!" >high five< "Do you think you made the best use of your time? Do you feel prepared for tomorrow?"

Then drop it. Sooner or later, it will sink in.

And I would speak with the teacher. 50 problems of anything for a 2nd grader is TOO MANY for public school homework. This isn't Malaysia ;)
 
It's 100 problems. WTF?! It's subtraction, either you know it or you don't. She don't. :lol:

BUT the final 6 minutes were more productive than the first 14, so she did 26 total. Once we moved on to spelling, after our break feeding the dogs, they BOTH hauled **** through the spelling and were MUCH more productive than they have been the past 6-7 days of me sitting there with them. This could work! That would be great! :)
 
And we had a 100percent day at school, which is awesome. She said, "ummmm, I am NEVER going to bed at 6:30, so I guess I'll have to listen." :snort: We'll see. :p
I'm still having a big glass of wine. The babysitter is coming an hour before our meeting so DH & I can have some alone time. Maybe we'll go park somewhere. :lol:
 
My younger child also can't handle large goals - 100 problems no way - 10 sets of 10 with a cheer for each set, MUCH better. Challenge to beat the time the first 10 took can work too.
 
:huggy: I love you.

I'd also bet the farm it is ADHD & ODD. Do some reading on ODD...positive reinforcement is key, but there is a lot to the research/theories that you can actually reward the behavior that you are trying to prevent by devoting a lot of attention to the child when they are exhibiting the unwanted behavior. The idea is that you have to go out of your way to provide positive reinforcement when they are displaying the appropriate behavior.

It takes a while to sort of get the hang of it if you will, usually because you are so exhausted from dealing with the unwanted behavior you are just happy to have a moment's peace when they are behaving. Much of the ODD acting out is for attention (ultimately) it's the look at me look at me look at me type thing. So by noticing every single "wanted" or "good behavior" they learn the opposite of what they have been doing. It's like a light bulb eventually clicks on (hopefully) ohhhh if I do this I will get noticed/praised. Eventually the "good" behavior becomes habit rather than an "act". (The "fake" you notice is one clue to me that it is ODD, kids with ODD are master manipulators and thus have the ability to charm anyone when they feel like it). Not all kids with ODD misbehave in "aggressive" ways they can also be the "class clown" dialed up to the nth degree, so try to limit the amount of attention you give to "silliness" because it can also be adopted as an attention seeking behavior.

Hang in there baby you are doing GREAT! :hug:
 
Thanks, Joy! I have been reading a lot on ODD...it's on my "list" of things to discuss when the new therapist gives her the once over. I am really hoping we get into Larabida, they should have heard our case today, but I don't know how soon we will hear either way.

She has had two good days at school. She is apparently motivated by the consequence of going to bed at 6:30pm on days she misbehaves at school. We'll see. I met with the school social worker today so she can continue to work with her on our Big 3 Issues: Lying, behavior at school & attention seeking behaviors.

Tonight I overheard her telling the boy, in a very menacing voice, that when he falls asleep he will wake up to her killing him. Guess I'll be spending tomorrow on the phone with their therapists. I think she needs to be committed. Seriously. Just when I'm telling my DH (he got home late) that she was SO GOOD TODAY she does something that is pretty much worse than anything else she has done.

This is ****ing exhausting. The boy is so sweet, he's such a loveable kid. On Tuesday he gave me a post it note that said "I Love You." He said, "I'm going to stick this on my door so when you come in my room you know that I am thinking what this says." :) Yesterday when he was home sick, he finished watching his movie & came over to the room I was in. I said, "What's up, buddy? Is your movie over?" And he said, "Yes, now I am ready for some snuggle time." :giggles: He's awesome. She has potential, but we have A LOT of **** to nip. :surrender: I am so upset by her tonight. We keep having a couple days where I think maybe we're turning a corner with her & then she does something that is so ****ed up, it makes me wonder wth I am doing. I knew she would be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I didn't think it would be *this* trying. 3 weeks tomorrow...seems like yesterday in some ways & an eternity in others.
 
:huggy: I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with her. On the other hand, my heart melted when I read the part about his asking to snuggle- and it probably meant the world to him. You are such a great person, go get the bottle of wine and find a closet or sOmething to hide in! ;).

Was it the threat to the boy that she made that tipped you over or something else you just didn't want to mention?
 
It was the threat to the boy. She sounded SO evil. Just absolutely cruel. He is a big baby- he's very emotionally 4yo or so. I know on some level she must resent the hell out of him- she had to care for him, he was the last family's favorite, they only wanted him & she knows it, and he rarely gets in trouble. In fact, she is in trouble so often that if he does the slightest thing he gets a time out, too, just so I won't have to hear how he "never" gets in trouble some day.

Also forgot- we had our first "Pee-School" class tonight. :giggles: Of course, he peed fantastically when I was standing there. Every drop in the toilet. He must just get distracted & turn or something. :dunce: So, apparently he CAN pee in the toilet, he just usually doesn't, so I guess I'll just keep having him clean it up.
 
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