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Parents of difficult eaters

I'm saying up front that I haven't read this whole thread but I have read most of the posts. However, I have a lot of friends and family with picky eaters and a lot of friends and family with really good eaters so I've heard lots of stories from both sides. I do sometimes think that we as parents sometimes make our kids picky by automatically saying "oh, they won't eat this or that" and continually give them foods that we think they would eat like hot dogs, chicken nuggets, pizza, etc and catering to their wants all the time.

Me personally, I have a 6 yo and 4 yo. My 6 yo loves all kinds of foods that I would never think he would like and yet he does. His top favorites: lamb chops, salmon, shrimp, crab cakes, mushrooms, calamari, tomatoes, seaweed soup, tofu. Frankly I know some 40 year olds that won't eat some of the stuff on that list but go figure.

My 4 yo was terribly picky but has gotten better in the past year or so. He didn't like a lot of things but he's never met a carb he didn't like. As long as there was some kind of pasta or bread-type item at the meal, he'd be fine. These days, he's at least willing to try a bite of something new (most days) and that's all I really ask of him. If he doesn't like it, I don't force him to eat it but how will he ever know if he likes something or not if he doesn't try it, right?

I don't play short order cook in my house. If I'm making something out of the ordinary, like something spicy that I know they wouldn't eat, etc, then I'll have pasta as a side so that there is a back up for them in case they don't like the main dish but they only get special requests if they are sick or if it's a special occasion, like a birthday or holiday, etc. And no toys or playing at the table either. I give reasonable portions and expect them to finish their meals. If they're still hungry, they can get more of what they like (my 6 yo loves fruit and always asks for 2nds and 3rds of that and I'm fine with that) but they need to eat their main entree first. I don't use candy or dessert as a bribe. They only get dessert on weekends anyway but if they don't finish their meal, then definitely no dessert. But, when they do finish their meal on the weekday, well, sorry kid, but no dessert either for doing what you're supposed to LOL.

I am a bit of a foodie/food snob and frankly I feel like there is so much delicious food in this world. How sad would it be to miss out on some really delicious food in the world because you're afraid to try it because you're a picky eater? That's why I try really hard, esp now that they are older, to teach them not to be picky eaters. Like I used to tell one of my best friends ... "Live life to the fullest, it's just a mushroom ... just eat it already!!"

ETA: Forgot to add, other than trying that first bite, I don't make my kids eat anything. If they don't want to eat what's in front of them, that's fine. I don't make them eat it later or make them eat it the next day or the next day after that. (Not judging anyone who does do that though.) They don't want it, that's fine but unless they are not feeling well, they don't get to whine about how hungry they are an hour later and then have me fix something else for them. You get one shot at dinner and that's it in this house.
 
holamelitta said:
I also refuse to be a short-order cook. If DD hasn't tried something before and I have doubts about whether or not she'll like it, we let her just eat other parts of the meal. But she has to at least try whatever is new. I don't put it on her plate and let it just sit there, because that doesn't really "expose" her to it - it just lets her see it on her plate and think she doesn't have to eat it. We have a lot of issues with her asking for something and then deciding she wants something else instead, after we've already served the first thing she asked for. Or with her asking for seconds and then deciding she wants dessert instead. The rule is, if you ask for it, you eat it. She went through a phase where she didn't like spices (not necessarily spicy food), and anytime she saw a fleck of oregano or anything, she threw a fit - even if it was something she liked, like pizza or spaghetti. Spices are something she needed to learn to deal with, so I refused to eliminate them just to pacify her. She eventually got over it.

A large part of my motivation for not giving in is that I refuse to raise a child to be like my dad, who is extremely picky. The man will not eat rice, dark meat chicken, mushrooms (including anything made with cream of mushroom soup), any kind of seafood, broccoli, cauliflower, squash, alfredo sauce, watermelon, and who knows what else. Combine that with my mom's tomato allergy, and my parents are VERY difficult to cook for!!!
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Wow, that is picky. Reminds me of a good friend's DH. I always said to her "How can you stand to be with him ... he's like a 40 year old child because he's so **** picky!" This guy wouldn't eat onions, broccoli, most vegetables, mushrooms, cilantro, chicken ... the list goes on and on. We stopped having them over for dinner because there was nothing he would eat. We stopped going out to dinner with them because it would take him 10 minutes to order his food. And wouldn't you know it? She raised 2 kids that are extremely picky because "Well, if Dad doesn't eat it, then I'm not going to eat it either."

It wasn't really a surprise to us that they now they have 2 generations of picky eaters in that family!
 
When I'm introducing a new food, my kids had to take one bite. If they didn't like it they didn't need to eat anymore. If I knew they could "stomach" it and weren't gagging, I will now have them have a couple more bites. For example, ds8 likes French fries, mashed potatoes, ect. I make these yummy red potatoes (that are of course ds11's favorite) and ds8 does not love them but I make him eat 2 halves. I try and not make anything they absolutely hate. But if they sorta don't like it, they are going to have a couple of bites! Can't please everyone all the time--that's just not real life!
 
luvagreatdeal said:
Wow, that is picky. Reminds me of a good friend's DH. I always said to her "How can you stand to be with him ... he's like a 40 year old child because he's so **** picky!" This guy wouldn't eat onions, broccoli, most vegetables, mushrooms, cilantro, chicken ... the list goes on and on. We stopped having them over for dinner because there was nothing he would eat. We stopped going out to dinner with them because it would take him 10 minutes to order his food. And wouldn't you know it? She raised 2 kids that are extremely picky because "Well, if Dad doesn't eat it, then I'm not going to eat it either."

It wasn't really a surprise to us that they now they have 2 generations of picky eaters in that family!
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Now that I'm out of their house, I have often wondered how my mom cooks for him without going completely crazy. One time when they were at our house, I forgot about his thing with dark meat chicken, and I made chicken for dinner that was all thighs and legs. He refused to eat it. I really don't know how mom did it when I was still living there, too - I was gluten intolerant when I was younger, and that alone is difficult to cook for.
 
Still, not what I was originally asking about, but I appreciate the opinions! DS isn't picky, he just has a hard time focusing on his meal. "diffiicult eaters" not "picky eaters".

I am the picky one! - also no dark meat, seafood of any type, almost no veggies by themselves unless I sneak it in, no ham (bacon is good tho!), no eggs (unless baking w it)
 
Red kids focus WAY better at the table if you have your meal with them. It establishes a household meal time. If they goof off too much, put them away in a playpen and let them cry and finish your meal.

This is really just an issue of retraining. Establish the meal time, establish what behavior is ok, and enforce. It will sort itself out WAY faster than you would think (really only a couple days for most kids).
 
thanks. I always eat meals with them, formally at the dinner table. Now I'm better equipped to handle these situations ;)
 
Whether a kid is "difficult" or picky, I think it's a life skill learn to eat what you're given (for the most part), and to eat it without playing around or throwing a fit in the process. When you're a guest at someone else's house, you don't get to make demands of your host about what is being served. And, if kids spend the whole lunch period at school playing around or, like my DD, turn everything into a song and dance routine (literally), they won't have enough time to eat, and then they'll be hungry the rest of the day. Or, if the kid suddenly decides they don't want spaghetti that day, even though they agreed to eat it when mom decided to not send a sack lunch, there are definitely negative consequences for that. That's why we're trying to teach DD4 to consider her choices, make her decision, and stick with it. She doesn't get to change her mind every few minutes and expect us to keep changing to accommodate her.
 
mrsred1 said:
Still, not what I was originally asking about, but I appreciate the opinions! DS isn't picky, he just has a hard time focusing on his meal. "diffiicult eaters" not "picky eaters".

I am the picky one! - also no dark meat, seafood of any type, almost no veggies by themselves unless I sneak it in, no ham (bacon is good tho!), no eggs (unless baking w it)
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Oops, I read this line:

"DD is picky so I make things that she likes and sometimes sneak other things into it."

And focused on the picky part of things. However, I do somewhat agree with Holamelitta that "difficult" and "picky" aren't all that different, esp when they are a young age. Now is the time to learn proper eating skills and those will stay with them a lifetime. There are so many studies that prove eating on the run (instead of being seated at a table and slowly eating) and unconscious eating (like eating when you are watching tv or reading a book/mag) are what causes lots of dietary problems and potential obesity later in life so I am trying to start my kids out right while it's in my control.

Young children need to be taught that meal times are not play times. I really don't tolerate any sort of playing at the dinner table. When it's time to eat, you eat and nothing else KWIM. Some of my friends allow their kids to do this "take a bite and go play a few minutes thing" and come back and take another bite, etc thing and it drives me crazy. And I know that's not what you're doing but that is just one extreme example of what some parents let their kids get away.

Family meal times are for eating and nothing else. If you want to fart around, then you get your food taken away ... if you're not hungry enough to eat, then you don't need to. That's how we roll here. I have told my children that we take food for granted here ... in many other places and even in this country, there are children starving. If they don't want to eat the food placed in front of them, there are plenty of other children who would gladly eat it.

They have learned their lesson pretty quickly. When I tell them it's meal time, they know to wash their hands and come to the table quickly. If they don't, the food is liable to go away. If they sit too long at the table and don't eat in a reasonable amount of time, the food is liable to go away too!

ETA: And when I say the food goes away, I mean it. Once I pack the leftovers away in the fridge, it doesn't come back out. They don't get a bowl of cereal or fruit an hour later. They just get nothing. Like I said, they learn pretty quickly that way. I think the difficult and picky eater can pretty much be addressed the same way.

Thought of one other thing. Make sure when it's meal time, there are no distractions at all. Obviously the TV shouldn't be on but if you can, no phone calls or anything either. If it's feasible, no toys or anything even resembling a toy near the table. Kids have such short attention spans ... the smallest thing can distract them from the task at hand ... eating their food. If everyone sits down at the table, then everyone stays at the table until everyone is finished. My older one used to get distracted if DH got up to get a drink or the pepper mill or something ... he thought if DH got up, he could get up and walk around too. Now the rule is sit at the table until everyone's done and then do whatever afterwards. They've learned this pretty well too.
 
COMPLETELY AGREE w/Luvagreatdeal...my BILAW and SILAW ALWAYS have the tv on 24/7 and those kids DO NOT ever eat a meal w/the parents..they all eat in front of the TV and as a result when they go out to eat the kids are holy terrors....this is why we never go out to eat w/them...they just don't know how to act...in fact they don't go out much in general which is sad..how else will you teach kids how to behave if you NEVER take them anywhere...but that is another thread topic. Just stay firm w/DS Mrs. R. I know he is young though but still stay firm!
 
I just remembered about DS and his preschool. They had "cooking" once a week where they would make something and everyone had to take a "no thank you" taste. It would be a few bites of whatever they made. They would read The Very Hungry Caterpillar and then make skewers with some of the food on it.

Anyway, we still have no thank you tastes when I make something new! It works very well!
 
Y'all are putting too much thought into this. My peeps aren't starving and we're happy (for the most part lol). No we don't sit and eat together and we eat differnt things but we're still a family who interacts. I'm a SAHM......my kids have never been to daycare and all food comes from me.

So if you wanna judge, let me know and I'll tell you where to shove it. :)
 
MrsMom, you're a parent and I'm a parent. You can raise your kids your way and others can raise their kids their way. We don't have to necessarily agree on the methods but OP asked for suggestions as to what works and I think that most are just suggesting things that have/do work for them. From what I read of the posts, I don't think most were judging, except for maybe one or two. But for me personally, I think it's important to raise kids who are realistic and adaptable. In the real world, people aren't going to cater to their food likes and dislikes (or other whims) so I'm not about to either.

What if they are adults and working in the real world and they have a business dinner at an Indian restaurant? What if they have to travel for work and have to eat Indian, Japanese, German food or wherever their travels take them? This is true since my DH has traveled for work and gone all over the world. If he travels for 10 days, is he never going to eat where others want to eat and seek out "American" food because that's all he wants to eat? Not realistic. I know some people who have never left the U.S. because they know they won't like the food in other countries. It sounds silly but I had a friend tell me she didn't know if she would enjoy Paris because she didn't like she'd like French food? I was like ... are you nuts? It's Paris and the Eiffel Tower ... who cares what you have to eat as long as you are there?

I think a little bit of egocentricity at a certain age is okay but once they get past those early years, they need to be willing to adapt and learn what's acceptable or not. Isn't there a saying that "you need to start as you mean to go on" or something like that? Just my 2 cents ...
 
My experience was that I had a kid with a sensory problem and would only eat soft food. This had nothing to do with him being difficult (although out of the 4, he is the biggest PITA!). Lots of people, including Grandma, didn't get it.

So at his preschool they had him start trying food with different textures and slowly he started eating things that weren't soft.

So some kids might be "difficult", some kids might have other things going on, like the sensory thing or maybe there's some things going on at home that are causing them to seek atttention.

The most important thing is that we all support each other here and not judge. If you think it's a problem, there are some ideas here.
 
mrsmom said:
Y'all are putting too much thought into this. My peeps aren't starving and we're happy (for the most part lol). No we don't sit and eat together and we eat differnt things but we're still a family who interacts. I'm a SAHM......my kids have never been to daycare and almost all food comes from Dominos.

So if you wanna judge, let me know and I'll tell you where to shove it. :)
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:giggles:
 
Luvagreatdeal, I agree there were a couple judgmental posts, and I think that's who mrsmom was talking to. :9:

Or I could be wrong and she could shove it herself! :lol:
 
CharlieQ said:
:giggles:
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Well I pay for it at least. :9:

mrsred1 said:
Luvagreatdeal, I agree there were a couple judgmental posts, and I think that's who mrsmom was talking to. :9:

Or I could be wrong and she could shove it herself! :lol:
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Bite me and yes I was talking about the judgmental posts. ;)
 
:surrender::surrender::surrender::surrender:

How did daycare get into this?

mrsmom said:
Y'all are putting too much thought into this. My peeps aren't starving and we're happy (for the most part lol). No we don't sit and eat together and we eat differnt things but we're still a family who interacts. I'm a SAHM......my kids have never been to daycare and all food comes from me.

So if you wanna judge, let me know and I'll tell you where to shove it. :)
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