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Rude family members

rjccurrie said:
Wow and I thought I had it bad, hugs to you. And to answer the limit is 25.00 per person.
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ok, NOT saying I agree, but maybe the person feels "ripped off" in a way because you didn't spend the $25? You couponed your way? It'd be like..well it was originally $25, but I only spent $5....?????

Again not saying I agree and I think your gift was generous...just trying to "see" how the other person felt??!?!!?

We are also in a grab bag...we play the game where you choose a gift then can steal...etc...well you are supposed to spend $20. Dh got a calendar that was marked $14.99...who knows if it was even $14.99. When I buy something, I spend the true $20 out of my pocket even if I couponed or whatever. It does suck when you put out the true money out of your pocket and others didn't. But we do it for fun...knowing we usually end up with the "crappy" gift. :lol:

Again, I think your gift seems totally generous!!!! And I'm sorry that your family member was rude to you! Especially when it hurts your feelings!
 
But isn't the point of the $25 limit that you buy something worth that amt or is it tacky to not actually spend the $25 out of pocket? If you pay $25 after all your Q's isn't your gift unreasonably nice and maybe embarrassing to those who bought $25 worth of stuff?

Curious what you guys think because I wrestle with that myself. I think people who don't coupon prob think of it as being cheap if you don't actually fork over cash (I don't think they have any idea how much more thought and effort goes into buying it with Q's!).
 
mommysix said:
But isn't the point of the $25 limit that you buy something worth that amt or is it tacky to not actually spend the $25 out of pocket? If you pay $25 after all your Q's isn't your gift unreasonably nice and maybe embarrassing to those who bought $25 worth of stuff?

Curious what you guys think because I wrestle with that myself. I think people who don't coupon prob think of it as being cheap if you don't actually fork over cash (I don't think they have any idea how much more thought and effort goes into buying it with Q's!).
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I agree, it's a $25. gift not the money you spent oop. Why even bother to coupon, if you then need to actually spend $25. It makes everybody else look cheap. Just saying a $25.00 gift card that didn't cost $25.00 will still get you $25.00 worth of food at McD's :)
 
I know, I see what you are saying! I think the point is to spend the amount not the worth. I THINK... That's how we've always done it. It's the OOP that counts..not the "deal".

And I get it with the Q's and effort.
In DH's family...it's spend the amount. We exchange gifts in my family but there's no price put on it. And I spend differently with each. For my sister, I spent $6 OOP, but it's a thoughtful, homemade gift...she appreciates it. For my bro, I just spend the money and include a gift receipt.
 
ok i get the points about price paid and this is how I look at it.

Lets take kohls for instance say your grab bag amount is $30 so you take 3 coupons into kohls buy 3 $10 items and get them free with gift reciepts. you spent only the cost of the coupons but if they return the item they will get $30. to me case closed. you have fulfilled your obligation if the value of them returning it meets the spending I say good for you for saving. If you want to do all the work of running around and time to find deals and not take anything for your time then you are welcome to do that. I coupon and did all the running around to be able to afford christmas so i would not feel bad if the value of the gift was the amount and I spent less. heck we gave gifts to nephews and nieces this year only because we could coupon and not spend money and the kids loved thier gifts
 
equallyyoked said:
Man, this is the first FIL story that I have heard. It's usually the meddling mother or MIL who also knows how to manipulate the son. I'm sorry that you went through that. I am also glad that you were able to voice how you felt. Your DH has to know by now that it is the two of you and not the 3 of them any longer.
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MIL is protective mother hen like any mothers, she too had problems letting go of her son. I talked to her sister whom she is very close to, at least she listens and understands and wants to follow what the Bible says in Genesis 2:24 "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."
She gets to know me better in the past six years and knows how her son's life has turned around after being married to me. In all fairness, she now tells my husband not to complain about me to her, just go resolve the issues with me. She used to, but no longer listen to her son's tales to pitch them against me.
FIL on the other hand doesn't listen and is insecure. He constantly needs to be reaffirm that we want to spend time with him, going places with him, volunteer us for his volunteering work etc. He spends money on us to try to "buy" our affections, hinted about he just re-write his will, meddle in our decision making process by "just being helpful", inject his unsolicited wisdom, pull DH away from his responsibilities (because that's what you do for family!!), tell us that his days are numbered (so we should just go along with all his idiosyncrasies), he also has the habit of lying to manipulate us into his way i.e. he found an used weed eater at the yard sales, he told us it's from DH's uncle so we had to accept it! We found that out when the machine didn't work and we asked DH's uncle about how to get it to work. He would call us every other day to bug us about the various snow blowers he found at the flea market and yard sales, despite being told we wants to get a new one, but not this winter, we will buy one next winter when our budget allows it. Guess what? He bought one anyway, and gave it to us for Christmas! I don't want to sound ungrateful, but DH is already a spoiled kid that still learning about financial responsibilities and delayed gratifications, it's frustrating to have a role model that he adores to say/do exactly the opposite.
 
I am now on my way home to open presents with dh and ds they both better like what I got them, or so help me I will open my new sewing machine and sew their lips shut.
 
mommysix said:
But isn't the point of the $25 limit that you buy something worth that amt or is it tacky to not actually spend the $25 out of pocket? If you pay $25 after all your Q's isn't your gift unreasonably nice and maybe embarrassing to those who bought $25 worth of stuff?

Curious what you guys think because I wrestle with that myself. I think people who don't coupon prob think of it as being cheap if you don't actually fork over cash (I don't think they have any idea how much more thought and effort goes into buying it with Q's!).
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I wrestle with this, too. I decided that if I am to spend $35 on a gift, I will spend $35 on a gift. If I use coupons to get it cheaper (or buy items on sale) they will get a better gift from me. For example, my brother wanted socks and underwear, I usually spend around $35-$50 on him. I bought him $98 worth of stuff at Carsons for $25 so I went and got a $15 Target gift card to go with it. He thought that my gift was way overboard, even though it wasn't. It made me feel good to give him so much. Same with everyone else. If I get in a family drawing that's $35, I do not feel right not spending the full amount knowing that everyone else did. If I got Christmas shopping and find a great $40 sweater or something that's on sale 50% off, I not going to just give the $20 sweater. I will spend the other $15 to get something to go with it.
 
bmezo22 said:
I wrestle with this, too. I decided that if I am to spend $35 on a gift, I will spend $35 on a gift. If I use coupons to get it cheaper (or buy items on sale) they will get a better gift from me. For example, my brother wanted socks and underwear, I usually spend around $35-$50 on him. I bought him $98 worth of stuff at Carsons for $25 so I went and got a $15 Target gift card to go with it. He thought that my gift was way overboard, even though it wasn't. It made me feel good to give him so much. Same with everyone else. If I get in a family drawing that's $35, I do not feel right not spending the full amount knowing that everyone else did. If I got Christmas shopping and find a great $40 sweater or something that's on sale 50% off, I not going to just give the $20 sweater. I will spend the other $15 to get something to go with it.
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Agree!
 
For me it depends on the person and the gift! There are some rude family members who I don't care if I spend the whole amount on or not, as long as the gift is worth that much. Then there are other not rude family members who I am happy to go above and beyond for.
 
We did something different this year---we had a shoe box--the idea was similar to operation Christmas Child---you fill the box with items--we put a 25.00 limit though---
I think with coupons we all went overboard---I had a digital picture frame (8 inch from Target on clearance) a Bears throw, 4 card games--sorry revenge, mad gabs, life, scrabble slam, a snowman ornament from Target, candles from Target)
The idea was this way you are not stuck with huge gifts you can't use--and you were to choose something you would like-if you ended up with your own gift
My sister did a nice thing and invited some older gentleman that had no where to go--her DH explained the shoe box thing--but the guy didn't quite understand it--so he bought a nice scarf in a small box--and then he got our box and was embarassed that all he had was scarf and his box only had one thing--Now we didn't make him feel bad--we were grateful he was there etc--but because I had couponed and got things so cheap--I was able to fill my box with a lot of things--My ds and BIL--they too filled their boxes--my dd--used Kohls coupons to get her box filled--same with my other daughter---so on some things--we spent the 25 and on some things we didn't--my daughters are in school--so I gave them some Kohls coupons to use--and yes, they used 3 coupons for 30.00 worth of items--but of course we had the 10 off 10 coupons (thanks reporter20!) so their OOP wasn't that much--I though, had the coupons and spent the actual 25.00 I think either way it works--because the value of the items, if they returned they would get their money back (though with Kohls--since we used expired--they would deduct the 10.00) However, since it was the shoebox idea--I didn't hear any complaints--the only thing was the older gentleman couldn't use most of the stuff in my shoe box so he gave them away to people at my sisters---I felt bad--and asked my sister should I go buy him something else--I didn't know he was coming and when I picked out items, I picked out items I thought people could use--I really thought everyone would LOVE a digital picture frame--but this guy didn't have a digital camera--so to him it was useless. He was very gracious though--I offered to buy him something else--he said No--the gift was just being with others----He wasn't insulted--in fact when he opened the box--he just kept looking--and asked how did anyone get all this stuff for just 25.00?
So--if you want something different to do for a grab bag next year---doing the shoe box thing was fun and different--this way if you got something you didn't like--it was just a shoe box of stuff--and I think if you coupon you can load that shoe box up (my one daughter had to get a boot box because what she bought wouldn't fit in a regular shoe box--so hers was over sized!0
 
mommysix said:
But isn't the point of the $25 limit that you buy something worth that amt or is it tacky to not actually spend the $25 out of pocket? If you pay $25 after all your Q's isn't your gift unreasonably nice and maybe embarrassing to those who bought $25 worth of stuff?

Curious what you guys think because I wrestle with that myself. I think people who don't coupon prob think of it as being cheap if you don't actually fork over cash (I don't think they have any idea how much more thought and effort goes into buying it with Q's!).
Click to expand...


My brother and his family have told me that because I coupon they do not value the gift(s) they receive because I used coupons, % off, etc. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Occasionally I win GCs and would give them one for Christmas, birthday, etc. Because they knew I won it they said it had $0 value because I did not pay anything for it. What about the time and effort I put into winning it? What about the time and effort I put into getting a "deal" for a gift? So I no longer tell them when I win something and they think I bought it. A $25.00 GC is a $25.00 GC whether I won it or bought it. I have really scaled back the number of gifts and $$ spent on them because I feel they are truly ungrateful. On the other hand I have a friend who recently found a new apartment because the bank was foreclosing on the apartment building she had been living in. I bought her an "apartment warming gift" and she was stunned. Towels, liquid hand soap, and hand lotion in a large wicker basket. Wait until she sees what I have for her tomorrow. (We are meeting for lunch.) I bought several kitchen towels, an oven mitt, 4 pot holders, and several other things. She knows I coupon but I don't tell her the specifics and she doesn't ask. I certainly don't expect the same from her - but it gives me great joy to know that not only did she need these things but that she greatly appreciates them.
 
apprecitation.....that is the key in this all
People who complain would complain even of you doubled what you should have spent because they are ungrateful and need to **** about something. That is all that makes them happy
 
This is why we do not exchange among adults in our family. We (and by "we" I mean "I") decided years ago it was more than stupid, exchanging gift cards, so now we don't bother. I do angel tree some years, soldiers overseas some years, other things some years. Whatever I do with my "no more gift exchange budget," I like to imagine the recipients are more grateful than my adult relatives ever were.
 
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