What's new
By:
Guest viewing is limited

Teen Pregnancy and Public Aid help........

newbee said:
Thank you for that Michelle. That brought tears to my eyes!! I am trying so hard to find the right way to do this. Help enough without enabling, supporting without taking over. I love her dearly and only want the best for her and the baby.
Click to expand...

My mom said it was SO HARD for her not to get up with DS in the night when he cried because she heard him before I did, even though he was in my room. Eventually his crying woke me up :dunce::dunce:

She never got up with him at all, that was always my responsibility.

I never knew that until I was married with more kids.
 
Wow, Stazmatic- I could have written your post! Very similar situation here!

Newbee, I think you are doing the absolute right thing by starting off with your DD being 'accountable.' She has to grow up now. That was the best thing my parents did for me (they thought they were being hard asses and "showing me," but whatever, it was the right thing to do) when I had my DD17 when I was 17. I lived there while her dad (my now ex-h) was away at college, I paid for everything for DD & myself, worked, went to college, etc. My mom watched her when I was at school. That was it. If I wanted to go out with ex-h or a friend, I had to find a sitter. If I needed clothing & DD needed diapers, oh well! I didn't pay rent, but I did buy all of my/DD's food. DD was never 'the family baby,' she was mine & that was that.

It wasn't easy, but in all honesty it wasn't that hard. I wasn't a partier and I didn't go out much. (I joke that the ONLY thing I did wrong in high school was get pregnant. :p) Her dad & I got married a couple years later & gave it a whirl for about 10 years all together. It didn't work, but that's ok.

Looking at how my parents handled it & how others handled it, I think nothing good can come from coddling her & 'raising' the baby for her. A friend of mine is doing just that with her DD & grandson & from my perspective, it's a mess. I love her DD, but she's a pretty crummy parent and I am glad she's not on her own with the baby. BUT, I also think she would have risen to the occasion if her mom had insisted she do so.

I don't know much about public aid, but I do know that when I was 17 & pregnant, my parents insurance didn't cover my pregnancy. The hospital had an 'uninsured' plan that was really inexpensive. I remember my mom telling the nurse, "Uh uh, no way- no medication for her. It's not in the plan!" :p

I would absolutely declare the father & have him pony up some cash for his kid. That's life, don't let him get off that easy. Start him off being responsible so you're not fighting a losing battle when the baby is a teenager still.

:huggy:
 
reporter20 said:
My mom said it was SO HARD for her not to get up with DS in the night when he cried because she heard him before I did, even though he was in my room. Eventually his crying woke me up :dunce::dunce:

She never got up with him at all, that was always my responsibility.

I never knew that until I was married with more kids.
Click to expand...

Exactly, I know that it would be so EASY to just do it. All the things that I already do, but that doesn't help her learn to be a good mom. But it's going to be hard to watch her struggle!

She's going to miss the stuff that the rest of us have, someone to share the high's and low's with.

Would you have wanted it different? Your mom's help? At the time vs. what you know now?
 
dragonfly said:
Wow, Stazmatic- I could have written your post! Very similar situation here!

Newbee, I think you are doing the absolute right thing by starting off with your DD being 'accountable.' She has to grow up now. That was the best thing my parents did for me (they thought they were being hard asses and "showing me," but whatever, it was the right thing to do) when I had my DD17 when I was 17. I lived there while her dad (my now ex-h) was away at college, I paid for everything for DD & myself, worked, went to college, etc. My mom watched her when I was at school. That was it. If I wanted to go out with ex-h or a friend, I had to find a sitter. If I needed clothing & DD needed diapers, oh well! I didn't pay rent, but I did buy all of my/DD's food. DD was never 'the family baby,' she was mine & that was that.

It wasn't easy, but in all honesty it wasn't that hard. I wasn't a partier and I didn't go out much. (I joke that the ONLY thing I did wrong in high school was get pregnant. :p) Her dad & I got married a couple years later & gave it a whirl for about 10 years all together. It didn't work, but that's ok.

Looking at how my parents handled it & how others handled it, I think nothing good can come from coddling her & 'raising' the baby for her. A friend of mine is doing just that with her DD & grandson & from my perspective, it's a mess. I love her DD, but she's a pretty crummy parent and I am glad she's not on her own with the baby. BUT, I also think she would have risen to the occasion if her mom had insisted she do so.

I don't know much about public aid, but I do know that when I was 17 & pregnant, my parents insurance didn't cover my pregnancy. The hospital had an 'uninsured' plan that was really inexpensive. I remember my mom telling the nurse, "Uh uh, no way- no medication for her. It's not in the plan!" :p
I would absolutely declare the father & have him pony up some cash for his kid. That's life, don't let him get off that easy. Start him off being responsible so you're not fighting a losing battle when the baby is a teenager still.

:huggy:
Click to expand...

That made me giggle, that's something I'd say :)

Thank you, worse case scenario is she pays the hospital bill for the rest of her life :). We/I have worked so hard all these years to make her a strong independent woman (or at least that's the goal) that I can't stop now, I think she will rise to the occasion. I think she'll be a good mom.

Like you, she's not a partier and they didn't go out much to begin with. They would rather sit around with us and watch reality TV. :) She's learned to be frugal from me, so we just need to readjust the deals she's looking for.

I guess I just need to quit worrying so much about things I have no control over!! (huge sigh) Easier said than done!

Thank you all so much!!
 
I just am so overwhelmed by the fact that no where else in my life have I "met" other teen moms who really didn't become something for the newspaper to write about. I don't want anyone to take the path we all took, but I wish we could all get together and show these girls that it is possible to survive being a teen mom and turn into a wonderful adult.

Newbee, I am sure your daughter will join our ranks in a few short years :)
 
I don't think you can help worrying. I would be a nervous wreck if my DD was pg right now. It would be incredibly hard for me not to take over! :surrender:
 
Thank you ladies. Your stories are absolutely inspiring!! You lend me new hope that this will turn out ok!

Thank you for sharing your stories and giving some insight into your lives!!!
 
OMG, MrsMelton! I know! I remember my mom made me go to this "class" once right after I was pregnant that was for teen moms. It was like being in a foreign country. The woman running the class pulled me aside afterwards & told me I didn't need to come back because we were going to be fine & she didn't want me 'chumming' with any of the girls there. :lol:

Recently my friend's DD15 interviewed me for a broadcasting project. I was a "Teen Mom from 10+ Years Ago" and then she also interviewed a more recent teen mom. It was really difficult for me to do the interview because I didn't want to glorify it by any means, but I also didn't want to give the impression that your life is over and you will forever be a loser.
 
dragonfly said:
I don't think you can help worrying. I would be a nervous wreck if my DD was pg right now. It would be incredibly hard for me not to take over! :surrender:
Click to expand...

To make it even worse, she's due in 5 1/2 weeks and she's 360 miles away finishing her 1st semester of college. I pray every day that she doesn't have that baby in Northern Michigan!!! :)
 
dragonfly said:
I remember my mom made me go to this "class" once right after I was pregnant that was for teen moms. It was like being in a foreign country.
Click to expand...

They had that class at my high school too. It was terrible. I went a few times during my pregnancy. Absolutely no help and just a waste of time.

So grateful to have had a mom to help me learn and give me tough love.

Newbee, Honestly the time I was in high school as a teen mom is very fuzzy to me. I think my parents were very helpful, but obviously I needed a lot of help. But it wasn't like it was easy....

Mom actually made me use cloth diapers at home to save money, the kind with pins and plastic pants, washing them out in the toilet and doing the yucky laundry. He used disposable diapers at the babysitter and church, etc.

They made me make baby food with real foods (which I have also done as an adult) because baby food was expensive.

I'd say my parents did a good job with a very tough task. He's 16 now and it is really hitting home NOW, how young I was.

It could've been tougher, though, and I saw a lot of girls whose lives were tougher. I had some "luxuries" because my parents were helpful - one girl had to take her baby to the sitter on the city bus, before heading to school. I was blessed that mom took him to the sitter on her way to work so I could get on the bus and go to school. I was also blessed that they DID pay for some diapers and food, basic needs, and put a roof over our heads, etc.
 
dragonfly said:
Oh that's far! Tell her not to lift anything or run or laugh too much or do anything else that could induce her. :giggles:
Click to expand...

That's what I told her :) When she left yesterday morning I made the other girls promise to carry her bag because it was to heavy! She's like, seriously, I carried it here 10 days ago. I said "I know, but 10 days ago I didn't know you were carrying my grandbaby, so now they carry it" :)

I figure I can be there in 5 hours if she goes into labor, that should be enough time....sheesh, one more thing to worry about. I better get another glass of wine. Grandma is turning into a lush! :)
 
Raises hand. I went to the "class" too. They gave us juice and crackers and passed out pamphlets on how to get public aid in various forms and GED and then we just talked about when "I have my baby I'm gone get a place X and Y"

I had to go before the school board to get out the class, but it was the same time as my honors calculus class and I REFUSED to sit in there. I also refused to go to the school for teen moms (great idea, and necessary for some, but not for me) so I was a rebel in my own time. :giggles:

Newbee, I didn't have a whole lot of family support. My mother put me out the day she found out I was pregnant, I went to live at a home for unwed mothers where my god mother worked. It was actually the best thing ever for me because I sat there and heard all of the above and was determined that my reality and my sons future would not be shaped by my current situation. My mother never saw me from that day June 2 when she put me out until the day I gave birth December 15. She feel in love with my son and she was there to help some, but I never went back to live there. I had to let go of my dream to go to school across the country and go to the school that gave me a full scholarship, but there I met some of the best friends I hbave ever had in my life, so still no regrets. I went on to get multiple graudate degrees. I walked to catch the bus for an 1+ trip each way to school. I had the little umbrella stroller and I wrapped DS up in blankets galore and I pushed him all the way to the babysitter (a wonderful woman who charged me almost nothing) and then from there to the bus stop. Like Michelle, a lot is fuzzy, but I know that all things work together for my good and I thank God for the path he led me on because so many others didn't make it as far as I did. I was stubborn and I REFUSED to let anyone who said I had messed up my life be right. My mother was there to help here and there, but she didn't stop her life. Back then I was upset about that, today I know she did what she had to do because she had to get me to this point.

I got a job on campus, my son went to the day care on campus, we lived on that campus :lol: I eventually got a car, theings slowly got better, but I really believe that God knew exactly what He was doing when everyone else thought it was the end. The little baby boy saved my life and put me on a path that didn't allow me to fail and I am so thankful for it. Your daughter is going to be just fine.
 
Please do not let the boy off scott free.

As a mother of 2 boys I would make sure my son was held accountable. I wouldn't care if he earned $80 a week at a job. $16 a week would go to that baby.

If he is not held accountable what is to stop him for doing this again? And walking away again?

He may be a punk now, but he may actually grow up to be a pretty great guy. I happened to marry a punk (parents definition) and he is a wonderful husband and father to our babies. And my parents LOVE him now.

Best of luck to you and your family. Babies are wonderful blessings. Congrats to you!!!
 
MrsM I love your story.

And my knee-jerk advice was for Newbee's daughter to have her baby, then go back to school next semester (hope the daughter knows that is a valid life choice, going back to university). It is very hard, but there are plenty of resources. That would make her the most independent. But all families are different!
 
nicklesm17 said:
Please do not let the boy off scott free.

As a mother of 2 boys I would make sure my son was held accountable. I wouldn't care if he earned $80 a week at a job. $16 a week would go to that baby.

If he is not held accountable what is to stop him for doing this again? And walking away again?!
Click to expand...


Most people let the "punks" walk away because they don't want to see them again, or in a misguided attempt to keep the punk out of their lives. But MrsMelton & me are living proof that you can do all you like to make it easy for them to walk away, and stay away, but they are like roaches, just when you think you're rid of them, there they are, just when the kid is at a "fun" age or when grandma is tired of not seeing said kid, and you may as well have made them face up to their responsibilities the whole time because ultimately you do have to deal with them (and so does your child).

Just my roundabout way of saying again that if punk is the dad, and he wishes to see/visit with the child, then he will get visitation no matter how much of a punk he is or whether he pays any CS at all. The two (support and visitation) are not legally related - they are ordered/granted/administered independent of each other.
 
I was checking up with CW last night. I had already read this thread earlier in day but after reading updates I told DH--ANOTHER 18 year old girl on CW is pregnant--OMG scary. and then dh said--Have you talked to your sons (19 and 20) I said yes plenty of times..

This is a SERIOUS non flaming question from the very smart former teen moms on here--

Your stories amaze me--I could have been YOU--I had ummm a number of loser partners in HS or early college. My older sister ( 6 years older then me) who was a rebel in our family, took me to planned parenthood when she saw "signs" that I was "active" --anyway--You all seem so smart--even smart back then. How do you think you let this "happen" to you?? I think for me It was that my parents really were not in my life-they were YOUNG parents and I was the baby of 4 kids--got good grades so they let me be..I was overweight and I went for attention anywhere I could get it.

I am scared with my 17 DD--I think she is soooooooo much like me at that age--but a bit less street ( does that make sense??) I have told her a few times that she can not let a boy convince her that he is all she has--or that he just loves her so much just to get in her pants ( bad feelings of my own) I think she will melt the first time a boy shows her that much attention *sigh*

I love hearing your success stories, when me and dh moved to our first home the first person I met and became friends with was a woman who had her first ds when she was days shy of her 15th bday!! her 2nd ds was the same age as my oldest and we became fast friends--I was amazed that her oldest ds was such a GREAT kid, and more impressed that her mom made her raise him herself!
 
skincarekathy said:
MrsM I love your story.

And my knee-jerk advice was for Newbee's daughter to have her baby, then go back to school next semester (hope the daughter knows that is a valid life choice, going back to university). It is very hard, but there are plenty of resources. That would make her the most independent. But all families are different!
Click to expand...


I think if she really wanted to go back to university she would. But she was very homesick and I was making her stick it out for the year to begin with. Now with the baby coming it doesn't make sense to make her go back to NMU where she doesn't want to be, with a baby in tow. I think she'll be much more successful and determined if she came home where she has family and friend support.
 
focadima said:
I was checking up with CW last night. I had already read this thread earlier in day but after reading updates I told DH--ANOTHER 18 year old girl on CW is pregnant--OMG scary. and then dh said--Have you talked to your sons (19 and 20) I said yes plenty of times..

This is a SERIOUS non flaming question from the very smart former teen moms on here--

Your stories amaze me--I could have been YOU--I had ummm a number of loser partners in HS or early college. My older sister ( 6 years older then me) who was a rebel in our family, took me to planned parenthood when she saw "signs" that I was "active" --anyway--You all seem so smart--even smart back then. How do you think you let this "happen" to you?? I think for me It was that my parents really were not in my life-they were YOUNG parents and I was the baby of 4 kids--got good grades so they let me be..I was overweight and I went for attention anywhere I could get it.

I am scared with my 17 DD--I think she is soooooooo much like me at that age--but a bit less street ( does that make sense??) I have told her a few times that she can not let a boy convince her that he is all she has--or that he just loves her so much just to get in her pants ( bad feelings of my own) I think she will melt the first time a boy shows her that much attention *sigh*

I love hearing your success stories, when me and dh moved to our first home the first person I met and became friends with was a woman who had her first ds when she was days shy of her 15th bday!! her 2nd ds was the same age as my oldest and we became fast friends--I was amazed that her oldest ds was such a GREAT kid, and more impressed that her mom made her raise him herself!
Click to expand...

It is very scary. DSD and I talked alot about these kinds of things. I took her to the gyne for BC as soon as I knew she was active. I had discussions with her and BF (current and previous) about abstinence (sp?) and pre-cautions and alternatives to sex. We discussed how having a baby would affect her future and the future of our family. She has had goals of completing college. She is a smart girl, however, as alot of young girls are. They think it won't happen to them. But aside from watching her take her BC some things are completely out of my hands.

I was just saying a another thread how boring my DSD was because she nevers wants to go out or go to college parties. She would rather hang out at home with us an watch reality TV. Well I guess she's not that boring!! :)

Good luck to all moms of teenagers! It's rough out there! :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top