The Confabulation Thread - Part 2
- Thread starter KevinL
- Start date
Texas Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope
for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this
slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by he other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
andI can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN
VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my **** with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 - - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING
CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
own on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope
for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read
this
slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in
Texas,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by he other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI.
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced
from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
andI can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN
VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s*** on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my **** with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..
Judge # 1 - - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING
CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
own on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Hello everyone 
I hope everyone is having a good night.
Im glad everyone is still here and I hope that there are many more years here at TSG!
I dont know how much I'll be around in he coming weeks with the new job and everything but I'll try and make sure this place runs smoothly.
I hope everyone is having a good night.
Im glad everyone is still here and I hope that there are many more years here at TSG!
I dont know how much I'll be around in he coming weeks with the new job and everything but I'll try and make sure this place runs smoothly.
Originally posted by Kevin@Dec 24 2005, 05:10 PM
Hello everyone
I hope everyone is having a good night.
Im glad everyone is still here and I hope that there are many more years here at TSG!
I dont know how much I'll be around in he coming weeks with the new job and everything but I'll try and make sure this place runs smoothly.
[post=44320]Quoted post[/post]
Merry Christmas Kev.
Thanks again for making this place for us.
Without the people that this place has I would have never even have started it.Originally posted by Eison@Dec 24 2005, 09:11 PM
Merry Christmas Kev.
Thanks again for making this place for us.
[post=44321]Quoted post[/post]
I hope we all have many more holidays together
Originally posted by Kevin+Dec 25 2005, 08:08 AM-->QUOTE(Kevin @ Dec 25 2005, 08:08 AM)</div><div class='quotemain'>Without the people that this place has I would have never even have started it.
I hope we all have many more holidays together
[post=44330]Quoted post[/post][/b]
me too.
<!--QuoteBegin-Morph@Dec 25 2005, 10:21 AM
You're right. I am great.
[post=44355]Quoted post[/post]
me too. :D
