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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11," he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."...

Dog Rules (Simplified For Humans): Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. Barking...

The ideal way (in my experience) to eat Jelly Bellies is to put two flavors (or more) in your mouth and then just let your salivary glands produce juice allowing the flavors to blend. Don't chew the beans, just let them sit on your tongue happily blending away until there is nothing left but...

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news." he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time...

The Ant and The Grasshopper 2000 THE CLASSIC VERSION ____________________ The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter...

Yikes! Makes me glad to work at a university where they pay me next to nothing but don't take away my food! You're absolutely right, people who try to be "friends" of all the children are so lost it's not funny. Not that it's a bad thing to be nice to kids, but come on here, they need...

Actual Doctor's Notes These are doctors' notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes- unedited!) 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking...

The lost Dr. Seuss Book: I Love My Job. I love my job, I love the pay. I love it more and more each day. I love my boss; he is the best. I love his boss and all the rest. I love my office and its location. I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the...

UNDERSTANDING COMPUTER JARGON Alpha -------- Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work." Beta -------- Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." Computer --------...

Hey Babe, don't be bashing White Castle now! You know I've just got to have a slider now and then... actually, I think it's the fries I like the best, but you knew I'd say that didn't you?

May 11, 2000 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide office furniture with its software. The next release of Windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge. "This is a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson said. "We've conquered the...

Whoever said "LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE" didn't sleep with dogs. The first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest. Rule Number One: The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog. Most people who...

How To Shower Like A Woman: 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 3. Look at your...

Don't p*ss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and you're next. Please don't make me kill you. And your point is...? I used to be...

ThREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN His first name was Jesus He was bilingual He was always being harassed by the authorities THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK He called everybody "brother" He liked Gospel He couldn't get a fair trial THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH He went into his...

You really know how to sweet talk a girl, don'tcha! "Fast Food" will never be the same! :-0

Ok, so call me blonde, but it did take a real long time for me to see the humor in this one.

Oh Bilgey, you weren't supposed to tell about us in McDonalds!