Jokes, Funnies, etc.
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Congrats on Top Ten! I was going to give you a rep point for it... but it says I have to share more before I share with you again. :D Darn us girls and our editing.
Share the love? Quick... better move this to that dirty-minded thread. 
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM FOR MEN **not a real ad**
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM FOR MEN
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. As he wondered how in the
heck he would ever do that, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a
"GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM."
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he called
them up and subscribed to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there was a knock on his door, and when he answered, there
stood before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in
nothing but air, some Nike running shoes, and a sign around her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign read, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he took off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally caught her and had his way with her.
After they were through and she left, he thought to himself, "I like the
way this company does business!" The same girl showed up for the next two
days and the same thing happened. On the fourth day, he weighed himself and
was delighted to find he had lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He called the company and ordered their 5-day / 20 pound program. The next
day there was a knock on the door and there stood the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that read, "If you catch
me, you can have me."
He was out the door after her like a shot. This girl was in excellent
shape and it took him a while to catch her, but when he did, it is worth every
cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happened. Much to his delight,
on the fifth day, he weighed himself and found he had lost another 20 lbs, as
promised.
He decided to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/ 50
pound program. "Are you sure?" asked the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replied, "I haven't felt this good in years"
The next day there was a knock at the door and when he opened it he found
a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that read, "If I catch you, you're mine." :eusa_shif
WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM FOR MEN
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. As he wondered how in the
heck he would ever do that, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a
"GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM."
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he called
them up and subscribed to the 3-day / 10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there was a knock on his door, and when he answered, there
stood before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in
nothing but air, some Nike running shoes, and a sign around her neck. She
introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign read, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he took off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally caught her and had his way with her.
After they were through and she left, he thought to himself, "I like the
way this company does business!" The same girl showed up for the next two
days and the same thing happened. On the fourth day, he weighed himself and
was delighted to find he had lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He called the company and ordered their 5-day / 20 pound program. The next
day there was a knock on the door and there stood the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that read, "If you catch
me, you can have me."
He was out the door after her like a shot. This girl was in excellent
shape and it took him a while to catch her, but when he did, it is worth every
cramp and wheeze.
For the next four days, the same routine happened. Much to his delight,
on the fifth day, he weighed himself and found he had lost another 20 lbs, as
promised.
He decided to go for broke and called the company to order the 7-day/ 50
pound program. "Are you sure?" asked the representative on the phone.
"This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replied, "I haven't felt this good in years"
The next day there was a knock at the door and when he opened it he found
a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that read, "If I catch you, you're mine." :eusa_shif
Hmm... heard this in a movie actually
One day, a boy was in his back yard digging a hole. His next door neighbor looks over her fence and notices the boy digging a fairly big hole. She interrupts his digging and asks "what are you digging a hole for?" The little boy replies "...well i'm having a funeral for my dead goldfish." The old woman now feeling sorry for the boy asks "Why would such a small fish need such a big grave?"
...."Because he's in your dumb cat" the boy replied.
One day, a boy was in his back yard digging a hole. His next door neighbor looks over her fence and notices the boy digging a fairly big hole. She interrupts his digging and asks "what are you digging a hole for?" The little boy replies "...well i'm having a funeral for my dead goldfish." The old woman now feeling sorry for the boy asks "Why would such a small fish need such a big grave?"
...."Because he's in your dumb cat" the boy replied.
LoL loving the weight loss one!!!!
made me laugh alot
made me laugh alot
Sorry... I couldn't resist putting this one here as well... :D
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the Best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the Best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Things to think about.....
Things to think about.....
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative!
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected!
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dip-****'s.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
Things to think about.....
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative!
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected!
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dip-****'s.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
LoL thats a good one pinkie...here's one I tend to like alot. Well it made me laugh
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this mans anus, but licked my index finger?
hehehehe!!!!
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this mans anus, but licked my index finger?
hehehehe!!!!
ROFL So gross...
hehe but oh so funny
hehe couldnt help posting it
and i liked that line too twas funny
and i liked that line too twas funny
funny ambiguous headlines
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
HERSHEY BARS PROTEST
EYE DROPS OFF SHELF PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE
LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS
QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED
DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK AT NOON
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
12 ON THEIR WAY TO CRUISE AMONG DEAD IN PLANE CRASH
KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD AS PET FISH
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
OLD SCHOOL PILLARS ARE REPLACED BY ALUMNI
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS
TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGE
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
HERSHEY BARS PROTEST
ROFL and I love it because they made it past the editors! :D
LOL!! very very fun ^.^
