I can't help it. 
Jokes, Funnies, etc.
- Thread starter dont argue with this guy
- Start date
The difference between "guts" and "balls"!
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the **** and
having the balls to say: "You're next!"
:laughing3
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the **** and
having the balls to say: "You're next!"
:laughing3
G
Guest
Guest
Never heard that one before, Moose! :laughing7 MrD is gonna like that one! In fact it just may be repeated several times!!
The Phone Call
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins
to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK, I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and askes: "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins
to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, its me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK, I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and askes: "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
ROFL!!!
that rocks!
that rocks!
Blonde Joke
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and
says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "Tha t could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the
same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns
out a flat patty, and the horse produces ****ins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and
says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "Tha t could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the
same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns
out a flat patty, and the horse produces ****ins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"
BURN!! :D
LOL!!! that joke rocks!!!
RECTAL DEODORANT
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. I'm
sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
But I always buy it here," says the blonde
Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.. YES",
said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container......... " TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. I'm
sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
But I always buy it here," says the blonde
Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.. YES",
said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container......... " TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "
Ewwwww! That's so dirty Mustang! (I may have still laughed though)
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I in here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
I hide a special treasure away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, usually & generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I in here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
I hide a special treasure away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, usually & generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
About Texans
> >TEXANS
> >
> >A couple of Texans are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other Texan whips out his cell phone and calls 911 He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's 'dead'."
> >
> >There is a silence..........then a shot is heard.
> >The Texan's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
> > *************************
> >Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
> >"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
> >"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that **** would've tried that **** with me!'
> >*******************************
> >A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencil! s -- the whole thing was just a mess. An engineering student came along and saw what they were trying to do. He walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured it from end to end, and then gave the measurement to one of the blondes and walked away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
> >**************************************************
> >He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.
> >"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called".
> >TEXANS
> >
> >A couple of Texans are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other Texan whips out his cell phone and calls 911 He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's 'dead'."
> >
> >There is a silence..........then a shot is heard.
> >The Texan's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
> > *************************
> >Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
> >"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
> >"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that **** would've tried that **** with me!'
> >*******************************
> >A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencil! s -- the whole thing was just a mess. An engineering student came along and saw what they were trying to do. He walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured it from end to end, and then gave the measurement to one of the blondes and walked away. After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
> >**************************************************
> >He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.
> >"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called".
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you sh ould do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have cr eated man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you sh ould do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have cr eated man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
ROFL!!!
i love the last one the most!!!!
i love the last one the most!!!!
Cowboy boots
Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them
home, walking
proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife:
"Notice anything
different about me?
Bessie looks him over "Nope."
Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom,
undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked, except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice
anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Roy, what's different? It's
hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow.
Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING
DOWN,BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!!!"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Roy, Shoulda bought a hat.:laughing7
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them
home, walking
proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife:
"Notice anything
different about me?
Bessie looks him over "Nope."
Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom,
undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked, except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice
anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Roy, what's different? It's
hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow.
Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING
DOWN,BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!!!"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Roy, Shoulda bought a hat.:laughing7
