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Just For A Laugh

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know ****?"
 
A man is dating three different women and wants to pick one to marry. He decides to give them a test. He decides to give each woman a present of $5000, and sit back and watch what they spend their money on.

The first woman does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up, and lots of new clothes, to dress up nicely for her man. She tells him that she has done all this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second woman goes shopping to buy gifts for her man. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts to him, she says she spent all her money on him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the original $5000. She gives the man back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she has done this because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

Now it came time to choice. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he had given her.
Then............he married the one with the biggest boobs! Men are like that you know!!
 
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Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that **** thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.
 
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet shop. Suddenly the parrot said to her:" Hey, lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady was shocked. She stormed past the shop to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her:" Hey, lady, you are really ugly." She was really angry now.
The next day the parrot again said to her:" Hey, lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she went into the shop and told the manager that she would sue the pet shop.
The manager apologized and promised to teach the parrot a lesson.
" It'll never say anything like that again. I promise."
When lady was walking past the shop after work the parrot called to her:"Hey, lady."
She paused and said:"Yes?"
The bird said:" You know."

---------- Post added at 11:53 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:51 AM ----------

While sports fishing of the Florida Coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouts, "Are there any gators round these parts?"
"Naw," hollers back the old guy, "we ain't had any round here for years."
Feeling safe now, the tourist lets go and starts to swim back to shore. About halfway back he asks, "So how did you get rid of the gators?"
"We did nothing," said the old beachcomber.
"The sharks got 'em."

---------- Post added at 11:54 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:53 AM ----------

Gandalf, giving Frodo the Ring
-Can you see anything on it?
-Yes.
-What?
-"Made in China”.
-I was afraid of that…
 
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you have all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And *poof* she's gone.
The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna." And *poof* she's gone.
The third nun says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name does not ring any bells."
The nun takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the section she pointed too and then starts laughing. He hands the paper back to her and says, "Sister, you need to put your glasses back on. It says the 'Sahara Pipeline' was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months - not Sara Pipalini!"

---------- Post added at 08:58 AM ---------- Previous post was at 08:58 AM ----------

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little voice, "Excuthe me minther, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he is on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit? Or a thoft, fuzzy bwack wabbit, or a maybe one like that cute wittle bworn wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees and leans forward and whispers in his ear, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
 
hehehehehe
Gandalf and the ring made in china...lol !!
 
"Well ys see, Norm, it's like this......A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regualr comsumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that's why you always feel so much smarter after a few beers!"

---------- Post added at 09:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:47 PM ----------

A grey-haired old man walks into a jewellery store late on Friday afternoon, with a beautiful young lady at his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he says.
The jeweller pulls out a ring valued at $500.
"No," says the old man, "my girl is worth more than that."
The jeweller looks through the stock and pulls out an outstanding ring priced at $5000.
"No," says the old man, "my girl is worth more than that. I want something very unique."
At that request, the very excited jeweller goes and fetches the special stock from the safe. "Here's a stunning ring at $40,000."
The girls eyes sparkle and the old man says he'll take it.
"How will you be paying for that, sir?" asks the jeweller.
"I'll pay by check; but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order, so I'll write you the check and you can phone the bank, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
Monday morning, a very disappointed jeweller phones the old man. "You lied, there is no money in that account."
"I know, and I'm sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?"

---------- Post added at 09:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:48 PM ----------

A drunk phoned to police to report that thieves had been in his car. " They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator",-he cried out.
However, befor the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. " Never mind",- he said with a hiccup,-" I got in the back seat by mistake."
 
Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. In desperation, I grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. I heard not a peep for over a minute.

Fearing that I’d hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
 
Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5000.
The loans officer, a little taken aback, requests collateral.
"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.
The loans officer promptly has the car driven into the bank.s underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5000.
Two weeks later, the man walks through the doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back.
"That will be $5000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loans officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away.
"Wait, sir," the loans officer says. "You are a maillionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5000?"
The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhatten for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

---------- Post added at 07:29 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:29 PM ----------

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor",-replied one boy. "We were just seeng who can tell the biggest lie about girls."
Pastor said:"Boys, boys! I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about girls."
In unison they replied:"You win."
 
divastar said:
Steve and Dave were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office to sign on. When asked his occupation, Steve replied, "I'm an underwear stitcher. I sew elastic onto cotton panties."

The clerk looked up 'underwear stitcher' and found it classified as unskilled labour. Steve would receive $300.00 a week in unemployment benefits.

Then it was Dave's turn. When asked his occupation he replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since this is skilled work Dave would get $600.00 a week in unemployment benefits.

Hearing this, Steve storms back into the office to complain. The clerk explains that Dave gets more as he was skilled, where as he was unskilled.

"Skilled?" said Steve outraged. "What skill? I sew the elastic onto the panties, all he does is hold them up and says 'Yep, diesel fitter."

---------- Post added at 01:22 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:21 PM ----------

"That's a beautiful fur coat your wearing," remarked one friend to another, "but don't you pity the poor beast who suffered so that you might have it?"
The friend replied "Why are you suddenly all worried about my husband?"
Click to expand...

Haha. Very funny. I really like this one and will have to tell my friends tonight when we get together.
 
Towards the end of the golf game, Eddie somehow manages to hit his ball into the woods. He finds his ball sitting in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he swings away. He ends of thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden 'POOF'! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She says, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you can't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still..you can't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter fo fact, I am so angry, let's just make it so you can't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!" Then 'POOF'! She was gone.

After Eddie calmed down and got a hold of himself, he hollered to his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you? You won't believe what just happened to me!"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here. My ball is in the middle of the **** willows."
Eddie yells back, "DON"T SWING FRED! For God Sake, DON"T SWING!!!

---------- Post added at 12:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:11 PM ----------

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to respond rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
 
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.





'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'
 
Standards of education in UK....?The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers - from 16 year olds!!

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very importa nt. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head



 
THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE



If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.

Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are far too busy to talk to you.
 
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed..........:Laughing_Face:
 
A friend posted this joke on his FB and I find this too funny not to share:

Mom: Your great aunt just passed away. LOL.
David: Why is that funny?
Mom: It's not funny, David! Wht do you mean?
David: Mom, LOL means laughing out loud
Mom: Ohmy goodness!! I sent that to everyone I thought it means lots of love. I have to call everyone back Oh god.​

 
Doctors vs. Gun Owners

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. Is

700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians

Per year are

120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician
Is

0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.

Is

80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

Per year, all age groups,

Is

1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths

Per gun owner

Is

.0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor.
This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends

To this

Alarming threat.

We must ban doctors

Before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,

We withheld the statistics on

Lawyers

For fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!​

​
 
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