This is your DH's family, thereby now your family.
So how does this holiday thing really work?
- Thread starter atm123
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DH and I decided we are having Thanksgiving at our house this year, just us and the kids (DSs 19 and 16 and DD 9).
We usually have Thanksgiving with my sister, who is also my BFF. It seems like every year more and more people get invited and some people have invited themselves and it has gotten to the point that I don't think I was even enjoying myself. I talked to my sister yesterday and she said they are moving Thanksgiving dinner to the church so that she can use their big kitchen and have enough room for everyone to sit.
More people=more drama. No thanks. Not this year. I just don't have the energy.
I am looking forward to cooking with DH and the kids and spending time with them.
We usually have Thanksgiving with my sister, who is also my BFF. It seems like every year more and more people get invited and some people have invited themselves and it has gotten to the point that I don't think I was even enjoying myself. I talked to my sister yesterday and she said they are moving Thanksgiving dinner to the church so that she can use their big kitchen and have enough room for everyone to sit.
More people=more drama. No thanks. Not this year. I just don't have the energy.
I am looking forward to cooking with DH and the kids and spending time with them.
I know of someone who manages to invite most of her family - except one sibling - time and time again. Usually they call to find out when/what to bring, but it gets old. I can understand that. Why should they be the only ones to call to invite themselves while everyone else is getting called and/or invited?
I'm not a fan of self-pity and this situation isn't me and I'm not living it. But I can't imagine I'd feel too good about it if I were. If it happens once, maybe it's an oversight. Twice? Aggravating. Three times or more? I just can't attribute it to "oops" anymore and wouldn't be an eager-beaver to call and invite myself over.
BTW, person described above didn't this year. I can't wait to hear if/when the rest of the family notices that they're not there.
I'm not a fan of self-pity and this situation isn't me and I'm not living it. But I can't imagine I'd feel too good about it if I were. If it happens once, maybe it's an oversight. Twice? Aggravating. Three times or more? I just can't attribute it to "oops" anymore and wouldn't be an eager-beaver to call and invite myself over.
BTW, person described above didn't this year. I can't wait to hear if/when the rest of the family notices that they're not there.
We have Thanksgiving and Christmas at MIL's sister every year. I think the first year, we got an invitation card in the mail from DH's aunt and she called me to communicate about what dish I could bring.
Since it's a big gathering with over 30 people. DH's aunt typically talk to her sister and SILs, and expect them to pass the messages down to their own children/family.
I happen to see DH's aunt more since she buys groceries from me and we get invited over for pizza dinner on Sunday quite often, so I do get the details from the horse mouth. But there were quite a bit of dramas going on with some of DH's cousins on what they were/weren't told. Some were upset with DH's aunt due to some mis-communication last year.
Since it's a big gathering with over 30 people. DH's aunt typically talk to her sister and SILs, and expect them to pass the messages down to their own children/family.
I happen to see DH's aunt more since she buys groceries from me and we get invited over for pizza dinner on Sunday quite often, so I do get the details from the horse mouth. But there were quite a bit of dramas going on with some of DH's cousins on what they were/weren't told. Some were upset with DH's aunt due to some mis-communication last year.
See, now I can see this too (because it sounds familiar.)
Crdnlsfan, I wouldn't read too much into it. It's not as though you didn't know it was going to start earlier. You seem like you're just upset about who you found that out from.
Lee, I am familiar w/what you've described as well. It's sort of "I told so-and-so" (let's say your mom) so it's assumed she told you.
As a grown up, should they call you? Probably. But maybe they're just so used to doing it this way that they think nothing of it, meaning no bad intentions. I understand the aggravation, but imo you have to take it for what it is and let it go. Don't let it ruin your Thanksgiving. That's the way they've done it, that's the way they're going to keep on doing it. It's what they're used to.
Now, starting dinner early and not calling? Um, rude.
New train starting! All aboard for Dysfunction Junction! Toot-toot!
OMG - you should have seen the Christmas where my Grandma accidentally made the rum balls with 151 proof rum - Navy Rum (75.5 per cent alcohol by volume - normal rum is 70 proof or 35%). The thing is they didn't start to burn until they were in your tummy. As everyone walked in the door the kids made them have one. The kids were all over the top that year. At least that year was fun.
As for me, if I don't get an invite then the event isn't happening. I too would have a hard time adjusting to your DH's family's way of doing things. :huggy:
I didn't read through all this, but do you communicate much with your MIL?
Me and mine talk several times a week on the phone (short but informative) and we email various info regularly. Mebbe if you don't communicate regularly, try to start that up so that she'll be more likely to inform you of holidays and other things.
It's rough in the beginning, I remember well.....I got married right before I turned 23 too so I know. I remember me and DH having little tiffs over family stuffs....I was WAY stubborn and a lil selfish. We've been married 14 years now and I look back to the early days and am sooo glad me and MIL created a nice relationship....it's invaluable IMO.
Good luck babe. :huggy:
Oh and if you don't know what's up with the holiday just call and ask.
Me and mine talk several times a week on the phone (short but informative) and we email various info regularly. Mebbe if you don't communicate regularly, try to start that up so that she'll be more likely to inform you of holidays and other things.
It's rough in the beginning, I remember well.....I got married right before I turned 23 too so I know. I remember me and DH having little tiffs over family stuffs....I was WAY stubborn and a lil selfish. We've been married 14 years now and I look back to the early days and am sooo glad me and MIL created a nice relationship....it's invaluable IMO.
Good luck babe. :huggy:
Oh and if you don't know what's up with the holiday just call and ask.
My DH is another one who has a family that never includes us. He is the youngest of 3 (by 12 and 16 years), but they've never included us.
I've invited them many, many times. Heck oldest brother and family didn't even show up to our wedding! (they don't live out of town or anything - they are just assholes, BILs wife was major jealous / upset that MIL and FIL like me).
DH and I have been married 16 years, we only done one meal with all the family - my FILs funeral.
MIL mentioned recently that she would like to come up from FL for Thanksgiving, but she didn't like that she couldn't have all the family together. I said I would be happy to host, for everyone, at whatever day/time is convenient for them. She said the others wouldn't do it (two older brothers are feuding over what, no one knows)
My kids only have 2 first cousins, and 2 step first cousins, I doubt they would recognize any of them on the street :-(
I've invited them many, many times. Heck oldest brother and family didn't even show up to our wedding! (they don't live out of town or anything - they are just assholes, BILs wife was major jealous / upset that MIL and FIL like me).
DH and I have been married 16 years, we only done one meal with all the family - my FILs funeral.
MIL mentioned recently that she would like to come up from FL for Thanksgiving, but she didn't like that she couldn't have all the family together. I said I would be happy to host, for everyone, at whatever day/time is convenient for them. She said the others wouldn't do it (two older brothers are feuding over what, no one knows)
My kids only have 2 first cousins, and 2 step first cousins, I doubt they would recognize any of them on the street :-(
I read ennui's post about picking up the phone and calling - it rubbed me the wrong way, but then I thought about it and realized that when there is an annual event that I want to go to and I haven't heard about it I will ask for the details. When there is an annual event that I don't want to go to and I don't have the details I'll get pissy that I wasn't invited and usually make other plans so that when I am invited (if I am) I can say I'm busy.
So ennui rubbed me the wrong way because I'm not acting like an adult all the time. I guess I do need to grow up.
So ennui rubbed me the wrong way because I'm not acting like an adult all the time. I guess I do need to grow up.
- #33
Thread Owner
I would probably say that is a fair statement. There is some communication among the sister's, but not among us "kids." I just feel as a new member to the family with no family here they could be a little more inviting. I think I am just upset b/c I miss my family.
When my GF and I started dating we told both families that we will be going to the first invite.
standard options:
Thanksgiving- My aunt's 3ish(was 4ish), GF parent's 6ish(was 5ish) we do both (both altered times so we could be at both) (both also **** because we don't eat enough) :gah:
Christmas Eve- My cousin's 4/5-11, GF uncle's 5/6-11
Christmas Day- GF parent's breakfast, afternoon at my aunt's(dinner), evening at GF sister's(dinner)
driving, eating, opening presents, loading truck, repeat :surrender:
standard options:
Thanksgiving- My aunt's 3ish(was 4ish), GF parent's 6ish(was 5ish) we do both (both altered times so we could be at both) (both also **** because we don't eat enough) :gah:
Christmas Eve- My cousin's 4/5-11, GF uncle's 5/6-11
Christmas Day- GF parent's breakfast, afternoon at my aunt's(dinner), evening at GF sister's(dinner)
driving, eating, opening presents, loading truck, repeat :surrender:
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After reading all this I am so thankful my DH and his parents don't speak anymore and my parents moved away. I use to feel sad about never having family around for my kids on the holidays, but now I think maybe it could be a blessing.......NO DRAMA.
We still don't know who is hosting Thanksgiving for dh family. I'm guessing it will be at my BIL's house since that's where it usually is, but we haven't heard anything yet. My mom invited us to her house, she does every year even though we never go. We go to both families for Christmas, but Thanksgiving and Easter we usually just go to dh family. Mostly just because we only see them at Holidays and we see my mom all the time.
I have Thanksgiving every year and my Sister expects a "formal"invitation. Every year. She comes even though she HATES all of us, makes us feel like crap, upsets my Parents, announces she will NEVER attend another family function again and leaves. She doesn't talk to anyone until 2 weeks after Christmas and then expects all of us to go to my parent's for "Christmas in the middle of January". Oh yeah this is the best part... She emails a detailed list to Mom listing all the presents her and her husband expect!! Makes me crazy!! If she does this again I am tossing her a** out of my house and telling her never again. My kids can't stand her. My DH barely tolerates her and I feel guilty because she is my Sister. Well no more. I am done with that miserable B***ch!!
Sorry doode... sounds like a REAL beast.. :huggy:
