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So...those of you divorced...

What about stopping texting and communicating with other women. Sounds like he needs accountability, for the sake of rebuilding trust.

Whether it is you or a trusted friend....someone should be able to read his texts/emails/online communications at any time and question him on anything.

That is, assuming he wants to rebuild your trust and move forward, not be divorced.

IMO.
 
If he's sending them inappropriate texts or having inappropriate conversations with them, even if he's not "sleeping with them," it makes you uncomfortable & that is just not ok. While you are in counseling and if he is serious about being committed to your marriage, he should be giving you free reign over his phone (and phone records, in case he is deleting texts) to prove to you that he is making every possible effort.

Sounds like you're pretty involved in your church if he's teaching there. Can you involve the priest/pastor?

If he does move to his mother's make sure he is still responsible for the household expenses- mortgage, utilities, etc., in addition to money towards the kids activities/needs, and food. If he moves out, even if it's your idea, the courts will view it as him leaving the house (and the kids) and side in your favor. I would let him move out before sharing any of this with him.
 
I obviously have no advice to offer on this but just wanted to wish you well! :huggy: Sounds like you've come up with a plan to go forward and that's always a great start.
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Normally I would try to add humor and sex to lighten things... So, know that I hope that you can find smiles. I am so sorry you are hurting!

Just...
:huggy:
...because there are no words.
 
Just to clarify - you said you do not want him in the house while you are here, but I think you need to say these words:
I want a divorce. I do not want to be with you emotionally, sexually, or otherwise.

Of course, you should only say that if it is the truth. But just asking him to live at his mothers could make him think he still has a shot with you.
Also, find a counselor for yourself that is on YOUR side.
 
stazmatic said:
.
Also, find a counselor for yourself that is on YOUR side.
Click to expand...

I totally agree....there is nothing wrong with finding a counselor that will side with you. He/She can counsel you as a couple, but can also be called as a hostile witness to testify on your behalf if necessary. You want someone "professional" in your pocket, just in case.
 
I agree with everyone else here. I left my first husband when I used to wish a car accident on him on his way home from work. I felt my family and everyone would be dissapointed in me for getting divorced. Fortuately we had no children...it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
I would consider the example he is for you children. If they are boys...is this the behaviour you want them modeling in their future relationships? If they are girls...do you want them to be accepting of this type? It sounds like you already know what is best for you...good luck....you will be in my prayers.
 
Valentinemomm said:
I agree with everyone else here. I left my first husband when I used to wish a car accident on him on his way home from work. I felt my family and everyone would be dissapointed in me for getting divorced. Fortuately we had no children...it was one of the best decisions I ever made.
I would consider the example he is for you children. If they are boys...is this the behaviour you want them modeling in their future relationships? If they are girls...do you want them to be accepting of this type? It sounds like you already know what is best for you...good luck....you will be in my prayers.
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that is an excellent point!!!!
 
Havent read most of the thread BUT my advice is,

1. Start putting aside some money in a bank account in only your name. This will allow you to stack some money and IF you choose to leave you will have a cushion. If it is just a rough patch then you have a rainy day fund
2. Get checked for STD's ASAP if he has cheated before and the evidence is that he may be again you will need to make sure nothing was passed to you.
3. Realize it is not your fault your husband is what he is, this is all his issue. NOTHING you couldve, wouldve or shouldve done would have prevented him from his own selfish wants.
4. IF you leave get ask for a child support payment that would cover the mortgage, you will be better off in the long run IMO as opposed to having to come up with deposits and rent every month. Plus it will be easier for you to worry about utilities, food, daycare, etc.
OP no one can tell you when you have had enough. You will just know when you are there. Good luck OP, don't worry about the family just bust out with a judge not lest ye be judged and walk away. Praying for ya
 
Is your husband ADHD?

I asked this because ADHD people usually have addictive tendency. My husband was a pot smoker in his younger days and experimented with other drugs, he finally turned himself in for rehab in his mid 20s and has been clean ever since. But, he probably replaced his obsessive and addictive personality with his toys collection. He spent a lot of money, not to mention a lot of time driving around and searching the internet for toys. One Christmas, we budgeted $500 for Christmas gifts for his family and us, he spent 2/3 of it buying a box of toy for himself!!

BTW, my husband is the kind of person whom everyone says he is nice and I am sure he would charm the counselor into taking his side. That's why I refused to go to counselling until he see a neuralogist and seek therapist for his issues.
 
stazmatic said:
Just to clarify - you said you do not want him in the house while you are here, but I think you need to say these words:
I want a divorce. I do not want to be with you emotionally, sexually, or otherwise.

Of course, you should only say that if it is the truth. But just asking him to live at his mothers could make him think he still has a shot with you.
Also, find a counselor for yourself that is on YOUR side.
Click to expand...

I commented yesterday and came back to comment again today after thinking about this a bit last night. As stazmatic stated above, be specific. Until you know exactly how you feel and what you want, choose your words carefully when talking with him. Do not attempt to save his feelings by saying "I just want time"... ""I just want space..." ect. What this does is give him possible false hope so if he wasn't aware it may be over, he will/may now try and do everything "right". If you are past wanting to be with him and as someone else mentioned "just hearing him breathe grates your nerves", be specific. What you state to him, may just come back to bite you in the ****. It most likely will cause more pain by not being specific, for both of you.
 
Staying together :quotes:for the children:quotes: isn't good :quotes:for the children:quotes:.

Miserable parents make miserable children.
 
I'm thinking about it because if I see one more sock in the living room, sh!ts getting real.

;) j/k

Don't live your life under pressure from your family or his. They are not there or having to deal with it.
 
chirish1025 said:
Havent read most of the thread BUT my advice is,

1. Start putting aside some money in a bank account in only your name. This will allow you to stack some money and IF you choose to leave you will have a cushion. If it is just a rough patch then you have a rainy day fund
2. Get checked for STD's ASAP if he has cheated before and the evidence is that he may be again you will need to make sure nothing was passed to you.
3. Realize it is not your fault your husband is what he is, this is all his issue. NOTHING you couldve, wouldve or shouldve done would have prevented him from his own selfish wants.
4. IF you leave get ask for a child support payment that would cover the mortgage, you will be better off in the long run IMO as opposed to having to come up with deposits and rent every month. Plus it will be easier for you to worry about utilities, food, daycare, etc.
OP no one can tell you when you have had enough. You will just know when you are there. Good luck OP, don't worry about the family just bust out with a judge not lest ye be judged and walk away. Praying for ya
Click to expand...

I think all women should have something set up no matter their situation. If I had to pick up & leave everything(except for kids of course) behind tonight I could. Expect the best, be prepared for the worst.
 
lucyrevenge said:
I think all women should have something set up no matter their situation. If I had to pick up & leave everything(except for kids of course) behind tonight I could. Expect the best, be prepared for the worst.
Click to expand...

:shesaid:

We are still a mine, yours and ours household. We split our common expenses (rent, utilities) down the middle. If "we" want something (say patio furniture or a grill) we split that too. Aside from that what he does with his $ is his business and what I do with mine is my business.
 
I completely agree with having your own stash of money too. Most of our accounts are actually in his name, but I have access to all of them. In a flash I could transfer money to an account for me or get the cash. I also always carry back up cash for emergencies and have some cash hiding around the house. While it's "our" money, only "I" know where it is:)
 
Just saw this on FB...ain't that the truth??

409658_275113745927403_1898101477_n.jpg
 
...because my husband has not been very financially responsible, so his money is ours, my money is mine...:-)

Most of our accounts are joint, but I have one in my name only, which he has no access.
 
so an update
we're talking.

He wanted to see the kids so I invited him over for 'taco Tuesday'. (our usual dinner on Tuesdays) When he walked in I grabbed my purse and said, "everything is set up in the kitchen. The boys need baths. I'll be home between 9 and 9:30. Then you can go."

He was shocked to say the least. I told him I never said I'd eat with them.

We talked for a bit, the boys were downstairs and out of ear shot. I left to do some 'couponning' and came home about 9:30.

The boys were bathed and asleep. Dh was on the couch watching the Sox game. I asked how was tacos? He said it sucked. That he knew he had to leave and that made him sad. (too bad, I think) I reminded him that this was his choice.

We had a chance to talk. He is staying with his mom. He told her what he did. and she asked him how could he be so stupid? (Thank you MIL!)

He told me that he called the counselor the night I asked him to leave (after 11 pm). He met with her at her house on Sunday. (don't worry, she's over 70 years old-not his type). She told him that ANY wife would not want to call her. That EVERY wife would have the right to be angry. But she said that any time I want to call her I could.

They discussed WHY he was doing what he was doing and came up with he is feeling bad about himself because were having $ trouble and he's not providing for his family...and the ladies he texts are so appreciative of him, it makes him feel good about himself. (I asked him, "so you believe their lies?")

He admitted that he thought he could quit, but it was more of an addiction than he thought.

We've decided that he will stay at his mom's until we ...I don't know what...

I DO feel like he's made some growth...

I do love him, so love makes me foolish, I suppose...

He's made some growth:
-He's admitted it is a problem. HIS problem.
-He's not asked to come home. He said he feels like he has to 'earn' his way back in.
-he's going to the counselor weekly instead of monthly.
-he's been helpful around the house
*he came over and took out the cans on garbage day,
*borrowed his brother's car because BOTH of ours broke down to the tune of $2000, but that's a whole other saga.
*given the boys baths
* brought up SIX laundry baskets (he should have been bringing them up all along, but better late than never, I suppose)

So whether the counselor told him to do these things, or his mom, or he came up with them on his own...I'm glad they're being done.

I don't know how the trust can EVER be fixed. I not really forgiving in ANY case, but I am fed up with this situation!

Together we're looking at the money and where its going and places to cut (premium channels, UNUSED gym membership...)

I'm looking into opening accts for me and the boys to fall back on.

He's removed the app from his phone and said that he has not texted since Saturday. But he did feel like it on Monday night because I still had not spoken to him at that point. He said he resisted the urge...

IDK. I'm glad he's not trying to come home. Even though its more work for me (you single moms...wow you work hard) I know I don't want him here yet. He'll come in and we'll fall into old routines and nothing will be changed.

Thanks for listening. I so appreciate all the advice.

When I know, I'll know?

I DON'T know yet...but I'm being VERY cautious!
 
It is possible to rebuild trust but both parties have to want it. I think him telling his mom is a good thing. That he is owning up to it.

You can get it back, but he has to know that it will take a very long time before you can trust him again and he has be able to understand you being paranoid about it for a while.

I guess take it day by day and really think about what you want. It is nice that there is some improvement, but that has to be sustained. Not just short term.

I have a friend and her husband had an affair. Moved it with the chick and everything. They got a divorce, but before the divorce was final they made up and were living together. It was funny because they took child support out of his check and paid it to her but they were living together. They eventually got remarried and they are happier now than they were before the affair.

Whatever you decide, we got your back. I know it's hard. Big hugs!
 
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