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Teen Pregnancy and Public Aid help........

focadima, I really do think sometimes 'it just happens.' My ex always used a condom, though I wasn't on bc because my parents would not have reacted well to that. (I would have been grounded indefinitely for even asking, and I didn't realize it was something I could obtain on my own through planned parenthood.) I think it happens a lot more than we realize- when I was in hs there were three of us who were pregnant, but abortion stories were common. I was a 'good girl.' I got good grades, I was accepted early at the 3 colleges I applied to, I didn't drink or do drugs, I rarely went out, I babysat constantly for all of my mom's friends.

Today, my DD17 goes to the same hs I went to. There is 'pregnant gym' and daycare available. I cannot believe how many pregnant girls there are, some of whom I've known for years, though none of them are DD's friends.

DD17 is on the pill. (I'm talking to SD17 this weekend, because clearly no one else I live with --DH-- is going to!) My DD has been on the pill for over a year. No, I don't think it's awesome that she has sex (hork), but she does, and I want her to have an easier life & 'stay on track.' I tell her all the time that she'd better be careful & that I am going to be all kinds of pissed if she gets pregnant. I even pay for the prescription because that way I know she refills it regularly. I always say it's cheaper for me to pay for that than to buy diapers. :p
 
Ain't that the truth!!!

DSD is a "good" girl too. Like you said, good grades, did go out and party. She was part of the drama club. Was I happy that she was having sex, goodness no....the thought was actually upsetting, but what can you do?!
 
focadima said:
How do you think you let this "happen" to you??
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I was same as you, focadima....overweight and looking for attention from cute boys...I had good grades, we always went to church and my parents trusted what I said (big mistake).

I thought it wouldn't happen to me. Hid it for more than a month...what a terrifying month that was, over my 16th birthday.

I know you've already started to make plans but I also thought this would be a good time to say....has she considered adoption at all?

Not trying to offend..... that was my original plan but circumstances beyond my control intervened. (DS's dad refused to sign paperwork...and has since done a terrible job to support him, owes more than $32K in back support on $200/month)
 
reporter20 said:
I was same as you, focadima....overweight and looking for attention from cute boys...I had good grades, we always went to church and my parents trusted what I said (big mistake).

I thought it wouldn't happen to me. Hid it for more than a month...what a terrifying month that was, over my 16th birthday.

I know you've already started to make plans but I also thought this would be a good time to say....has she considered adoption at all?

Not trying to offend..... that was my original plan but circumstances beyond my control intervened. (DS's dad refused to sign paperwork...and has since done a terrible job to support him, owes more than $32K in back support on $200/month)
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That was one of the first questions we asked her? She said that she wanted to keep it. I have since asked her again after things calmed down an she had more time to think about it. I have also told her that she needed to talk with a counselor to work through all her feelings and emotions while is away at school.
 
I tell my dd and any friends that are over (OMG!!) that you dont need a man to make you feel good you can do that on your own :)
 
I had my first child at 18. I was living with my aunt at the time. From the beginning I maintained that I was independent of anyone else. They were aware I lived my aunt, however, I referred to her as my landlord. I also paid her rent, utilities, food, etc. I had her write me a letter to that effect showing the breakdown for each month. I then produced pay stubs for my job at that time. Based on that information I qualified for state insurance which in turn cleared me for WIC automatically. All I had to do was go & fill out the necessary paperwork & show them the approval from DHS. With the father, he signed paternity a week or two after she was born. I did not file for support at that time and DHS never forced/required me to go after him. This is still the case today.

When my daughter was 8 months old I put her into daycare. Going through the same process I did before with my pay stubs & aunt/landlord situation I was able to receive subsidized daycare. I paid a portion relative to my salary. I believe it was $20 or $25 a month vs. the $167 a week the daycare was charging. Daycare can also be provided if the parent is going to school. The program can work with either one or both. When I returned to school I also received every grant there was because of my financial status or lack thereof which meant I was being paid to go to school....literally.

There are programs & resources for everything. Be proactive and stay on top of your paperwork. Good luck and congratulations to you both.
 
I would really consider taking her off your husbands insurance. In Illinois at least, she would get totally free health insurance along with the baby. My cousin and a few friends are on it. They pay zero copay for everything (hospital stays, prescriptions, dr. appts, you name it. (All Kids, I think). Then it will be much easier to get WIC/SNAP etc. Also as a single mother on the state insurance she would also qualify for free/greatly reduced day care and college tutition. I think she may have to say she lives on her own though or "rents from you" My cousin lives with her boyfriend's family and still gets it, so I'm not sure how that all works.
 
First, congratulations and best wishes to your DD. The road it sounds like from what others have experienced might be hard but she can do this with support from family and friends.

I have to be honest in voicing my opinion on the health insurance- I noticed some think you should take DD off your DH's insurance or to "lie" about having it. Personally, if your family has the means to provide her with good health insurance - do so. Why compromise the care she might get - we have seen other posts when people have trouble getting in to appts, etc. I am sure the state insurance would be fine and will be for the baby but I just think if you guys can do it then keep her on DH's insurance and be honest about it on paperwork. I would be scared to death to lie about that as has been recommended because if it is ever found out and your daughter got some type of state assistance it could later be construed as fraud. Just my opinion - not looking to anger anyone or anything. I just would think about this - and I am not saying that is your plan to take her off - just have read some recommending it and I just think it could make matters harder for her down the road. Again just my opinion and I really have no clue how the system works.


edited to add: I do want to clarify too I know it costs for your DD to be on DH's insurance and it might be a lot of money -= - but remember a week or so ago a member on this board(can't remember who -sorry) had lost their insurance due to DH losing job - an unfortunate reality that is happenign to so many these days and she shared her experience of extreme abdominal pain and going to er and not getting the scans, having hard time finding a gyne to see her, etc. I think for adults the care you get when you are on the state insurance plans can be like this. I believe and hope that for a baby they do not deny services and feel it is totally wrong to for an adult - but as we learned from this member the truth is they do do that. That is why more than anything I am a proponent to keeping your DD on his insurance - especially since if you remove her you might not be able to reenroll her. Just something to think about.
 
Chattynatty I too was thinking this same thing--I think people lying about income to get aid is a major problem in this country ( okay so is the lack of afordable heath care :) ) isn't insurance costs part of the lesson learned??

NOT trying to start an argument--just argreeing with chattynatty

who knows what I would do in this situation
 
Thanks. I don't think we will be taking her off our insurance. My DH has excellent health insurance through the union and DSD will be covered until she is 26 at no cost to us. I don't know what the future holds, but I think keeping her health, dental and vision (she wears contacts) intact is important.

I welcome all information, advice, past experiences. This is why I love CW, we are a wealth of knowledge and gives me lots of information to work with. I feel like one, we'll be okay! :) and two, that she can make some decisions based on information not what if's.
 
focadima said:
Chattynatty I too was thinking this same thing--I think people lying about income to get aid is a major problem in this country ( okay so is the lack of afordable heath care :) ) isn't insurance costs part of the lesson learned??

NOT trying to start an argument--just argreeing with chattynatty

who knows what I would do in this situation
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I agree, I don't know that I want to lie about things. The problem is, she is going to be independent under our roof and it's hard to get the "system" to understand that because we give her a roof over her head we are not responsible for her and the baby financially. We are not going to give her an allowance, we gave her a car but she will pay the insurance. That was not the situation in the past, however, with the new development she will be responsible for those things now. She made an adult decision, now she has to be responsible for that decision.
 
I am so glad to hear your DH's insurance is so good and that it does not cost you is such a great added benefit from your dh's job. Sounds like she has a long time too to be on the insurance so she can pursue her schooling, etc and then when she can get a job with benefits she will be able to continue on with good insurance.

Again, congratulations - and I hope things go really smoothly with her delivery and adjustment to new parenting. We all know that sometimes the suprises in life end up being the best things that ever happen to us.
 
Absolutely. That is the goal. DSD is going to try to get her waitressing job back that she had prior to leaving for college. I am researching places that she might be able to apply for that would get her health insurance for the baby now :) Wishful thinking.

Thank you all for your support! :) I appreciate it.
 
Sorry I threw a **** out there and disappeared! DD16 fell last night at gymnastics and dislocated her elbow. Spent all night in the ER......
Maybe a good story to tell your DD Newbee. It doesn't matter how old your kids get it is a life time job.
Ok well about the daycare thing. I think young mothers have the potential to be the best mothers out there. And I understand not everyone is as supported as I was. I am quite sure everyone of you did the absolute best thing for the situation you were in. Newbee if your current sitter would take the baby with your current child that would be the next best thing. I think there is going to be a lot of uncertainty in everyone's future. Keeping this baby as close as possible will underscore the point that this is a life style change. Similar to how some people think that you can just put a puppy in a cage and not be home is how some people treat their kids at daycare. If your DD knew she had an "out" that she could do whatever she wanted once she dropped the kid off at daycare it could set her up for failure.
I am not saying that all daycares are bad, or that people are bad parents for using daycare. You do what you have to do. What I am trying to impress upon is what you were saying Newbee about pushing her to be an adult but still giving her a soft place to land. Knowing that this is a permanent change and she is the only one with this responsibility is very scary. I have seen other moms (young and old) who put their kids in daycare so they can "have a life."
It's hard to explain in writing and I am not meaning to offend ANYONE! I am trying to relate how teenage minds deal with their problems and some ways to encourage the most positive results.
 
reporter20 said:
My mom said it was SO HARD for her not to get up with DS in the night when he cried because she heard him before I did, even though he was in my room. Eventually his crying woke me up :dunce::dunce:

She never got up with him at all, that was always my responsibility.

I never knew that until I was married with more kids.
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Funny - same thing here. I remember once my dad came in and woke me up. All of the sleepless nights were mine to enjoy :)
 
dragonfly said:
Wow, Stazmatic- I could have written your post! Very similar situation here!

Newbee, I think you are doing the absolute right thing by starting off with your DD being 'accountable.' She has to grow up now. That was the best thing my parents did for me (they thought they were being hard asses and "showing me," but whatever, it was the right thing to do) when I had my DD17 when I was 17. I lived there while her dad (my now ex-h) was away at college, I paid for everything for DD & myself, worked, went to college, etc. My mom watched her when I was at school. That was it. If I wanted to go out with ex-h or a friend, I had to find a sitter. If I needed clothing & DD needed diapers, oh well! I didn't pay rent, but I did buy all of my/DD's food. DD was never 'the family baby,' she was mine & that was that.

It wasn't easy, but in all honesty it wasn't that hard. I wasn't a partier and I didn't go out much. (I joke that the ONLY thing I did wrong in high school was get pregnant. :p) Her dad & I got married a couple years later & gave it a whirl for about 10 years all together. It didn't work, but that's ok.

Looking at how my parents handled it & how others handled it, I think nothing good can come from coddling her & 'raising' the baby for her. A friend of mine is doing just that with her DD & grandson & from my perspective, it's a mess. I love her DD, but she's a pretty crummy parent and I am glad she's not on her own with the baby. BUT, I also think she would have risen to the occasion if her mom had insisted she do so.

I don't know much about public aid, but I do know that when I was 17 & pregnant, my parents insurance didn't cover my pregnancy. The hospital had an 'uninsured' plan that was really inexpensive. I remember my mom telling the nurse, "Uh uh, no way- no medication for her. It's not in the plan!" :p

I would absolutely declare the father & have him pony up some cash for his kid. That's life, don't let him get off that easy. Start him off being responsible so you're not fighting a losing battle when the baby is a teenager still.

:huggy:
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Who knew? We are like teen mom twins!
I agree that the father should be made responsible. Not only is it in the father's best interest, but it really is in the baby's best interest. If the dad is a piece of **** the kid will figure it out for themselves as they get older. All kids deserve the chance to love or hate their parents. We can't make that decision for our kids.
This was also the only "bad thing" I did. I was bullied and teased and had only a few close friends. Lots of kids said I was a lesbian. Funny thing - I turn up pregnant and all of a sudden I was COOL.
 
mrs.melton08 said:
I just am so overwhelmed by the fact that no where else in my life have I "met" other teen moms who really didn't become something for the newspaper to write about. I don't want anyone to take the path we all took, but I wish we could all get together and show these girls that it is possible to survive being a teen mom and turn into a wonderful adult.

Newbee, I am sure your daughter will join our ranks in a few short years :)
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That is SOOOO true! My biggest motivation for making something of my life was I didn't want to be "just another teen mom." I always push myself to be the best, act the best, be the smartest, etc., etc. Now that I am older I have relaxed quite a bit. When DD started school I was BY FAR the youngest parent and I was always very hard on her to make sure she "reflected well on our family" She was very polite and sweet and studious. I worked my **** off to send her to a private school just to prove that I could. I stayed married to my ex who was abusive (emotionally not physically) because I wanted to prove to everyone that I could be married and have kids and turn out right. I finished college even though it took 8 years.
One of my worst memories happened when DD was 10. One of her friends asked me how old I was and I told her. She did the math and said, "Oh my gosh you were a TEEN MOM???? Teen Moms are the worst parents in the world that is so irresponsible!" Yes I got put down by a 10 year old and it still bothers me 6 years later. I thought for sure this kid would treat me and my kids differently. I ended up relaying the conversation to her mom and she set her kid straight and things have been fine since. But, it has been my personal mission to let the world know that bad moms and good moms have nothing to do with age.
 
focadima said:
I was checking up with CW last night. I had already read this thread earlier in day but after reading updates I told DH--ANOTHER 18 year old girl on CW is pregnant--OMG scary. and then dh said--Have you talked to your sons (19 and 20) I said yes plenty of times..

This is a SERIOUS non flaming question from the very smart former teen moms on here--

Your stories amaze me--I could have been YOU--I had ummm a number of loser partners in HS or early college. My older sister ( 6 years older then me) who was a rebel in our family, took me to planned parenthood when she saw "signs" that I was "active" --anyway--You all seem so smart--even smart back then. How do you think you let this "happen" to you?? I think for me It was that my parents really were not in my life-they were YOUNG parents and I was the baby of 4 kids--got good grades so they let me be..I was overweight and I went for attention anywhere I could get it.

I am scared with my 17 DD--I think she is soooooooo much like me at that age--but a bit less street ( does that make sense??) I have told her a few times that she can not let a boy convince her that he is all she has--or that he just loves her so much just to get in her pants ( bad feelings of my own) I think she will melt the first time a boy shows her that much attention *sigh*

I love hearing your success stories, when me and dh moved to our first home the first person I met and became friends with was a woman who had her first ds when she was days shy of her 15th bday!! her 2nd ds was the same age as my oldest and we became fast friends--I was amazed that her oldest ds was such a GREAT kid, and more impressed that her mom made her raise him herself!
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I don't think I have actually told this story fully to anyone before, maybe not even DH.

But I actually was dating another guy shortly before I got pregnant who I would not have sex with (was not a virgin, but had committed myself to trying to be celibate (sp?) until marriage because I regretted that I had sex and we didn't stay together with someone esle. We did lots of things but no actual penetration (of any area :giggles:) because I was 16 and to me it was a good compromise :lol:. We were so in love...we were going to be together forever, he was going to the NFL, we were going to college together, on and on....but eventually he got tired of waiting for me and started to cheat on me and hurt my little teenage heart. Enter DSs father who I worked with at Burger King, I was a homebody and really no one even knew me (besides the smart girl you copy off of) until I had dated the previosu Boyfriend that I had just had. So now everyone was paying attention to me and I liked it, my dad was around, but my parents were divorced and really my mother was so busy making sure we never felt like we were without monetary things that she wasn't around a lot to teach me to feel good about being me. I feel completely for the garbage DSs father said and really it was garbage...dude was quoting songs to me God teenagers are stupid :lol: ) and he came over one day, uninvited, unplanned and we ended up having sex. We used a condom, but the comdom broke...literally broke. I had no idea how to put it on, or how to know when it was gone...really didn't even enjoy the sex, but I knew that all of a sudden he started to enjoy it and I thought "good it will be over soon". Afterwards he metioned it broke and I don't really think I even cared or was really concerned (that invincible teenager feeling is real). I always had irregular cycles so no big deal when I didn't have a period, but then I got sick eating my favorite meal (kraft mac and cheese, the powdery yucky one) and ti hit me that I might be pregnant.

I never took a test and I was in kind of denial, but still hoping it would go away. I didn't say anything to anyone, but I did finally admit to myself I might be pregnant, so when DSs father asks about 2 months later to come over again I think maybe this will be the time to tell him. So he wants to have sex again and I think "why not, not like I can get pregnant" :lol: and this woudl be a easy way to break it to him (yeah, I know I am sounding more and more stupid as you read). Well my mom comes in and catches him there...we are actually in the act yet, but it is obvious where it is going. My mom slams the door so hard it gets stuck when she comes in and goes to her room. I tell him to leave because I know where she is going. He doesn't leave fast enough and the bullet flies over my head. My mom literally tried to kill him :lol: Door wont open so he jumps from the second floor window and then as my mom is hollering at me I scream at her "I can't get pregnant, I already am" :giggles:

Today that is a funy story, but back then I know I broke my mother's heart into a million pieces and I am glad I have had the opportunity to makee her proud of me again.

So really I was a "good girl" too. I just didn't know enough about me to say no and mean it. I must say that if anything, please teach your children (boys and girls) to be strong enough to not do it because everyone else is doing it, I really liked the attention I got once I was noticed and I didn't want to loose that attention and thought that like others acted that sex could be something I could just do to say I did it. I had sex one time ever April 6, 1996 with DSs father and here I sit today in 2011 and I have the rest of my life to be stuck with him, it really only takes one time.
 
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