He's divorced, I'd be concerned if he's rushing things.
Being under pressure sucks
- Thread starter Tazznum1
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My advice coming from a counselling background would be that marriage and raising children is a huge challenge when you are deeply in love and commited to each other. Any marriage you have to talk yourself into is one you will definitely regret agreeing to.
Having children is amazing and so is being married but being married to someone you don't love can be a level of misery hard to imagine. Someone you aren't really digging is going to drive you nuts with the day to day annoyances. What's gross will be disgusting, little daily things will breed resentment. It's not fair to your future children to put them through all the drama of a failing marriage and the trauma of losing a parent in their daily lives.
Having children also changes your life. Your body will change in ways you can't imagine. At first you will be so sleep deprived you can't see straight. You are going to need a partner that understands you and supports you even when he is short on sleep too. Then there are the millions of decisions about how you parent this child. Circumcision? Vaccinations? Diapering? Discipline? Potty Training? Rules and expectations? and on and on. Are you on the same page on these? Will he just agree to anything to get you to marry him?
Divorce is terrible for your credit and finances, especially when you stay home. I have two SAHM friends going through divorces right now. Each has 2 kids under 4. Nobody wins.
As others said, YOU deserve more, and so do the future kids, and even Mr Right Now.
That's my 2 cents....I've just seen too many women make this mistake and then I've seen the pain it caused and the regrets that they didn't realize how good their lives were without a man. You always love your children but there is just such a cost to a marriage you aren't really in to.
Having children is amazing and so is being married but being married to someone you don't love can be a level of misery hard to imagine. Someone you aren't really digging is going to drive you nuts with the day to day annoyances. What's gross will be disgusting, little daily things will breed resentment. It's not fair to your future children to put them through all the drama of a failing marriage and the trauma of losing a parent in their daily lives.
Having children also changes your life. Your body will change in ways you can't imagine. At first you will be so sleep deprived you can't see straight. You are going to need a partner that understands you and supports you even when he is short on sleep too. Then there are the millions of decisions about how you parent this child. Circumcision? Vaccinations? Diapering? Discipline? Potty Training? Rules and expectations? and on and on. Are you on the same page on these? Will he just agree to anything to get you to marry him?
Divorce is terrible for your credit and finances, especially when you stay home. I have two SAHM friends going through divorces right now. Each has 2 kids under 4. Nobody wins.
As others said, YOU deserve more, and so do the future kids, and even Mr Right Now.
That's my 2 cents....I've just seen too many women make this mistake and then I've seen the pain it caused and the regrets that they didn't realize how good their lives were without a man. You always love your children but there is just such a cost to a marriage you aren't really in to.
There is also a FABULOUS book called Should We Stay Together that outlines the results of the last 40 yrs of social science research regarding what makes marriage work. It's a very easy read and you can think through it yourself.
Just met a guy, talking marriage & babies? Jolene is that you? :hides:
:giggles:
:giggles:
I have several reasons why I don't want children, because I don't like most children being only one of them.
Sometimes. I had a ring on my finger at 7 months of dating. Been married 14 years in October.
Almost the same here. Engaged after dating 8 months, got married a month later ( he was in the Navy at the time) been married 14 years. Sometimes you just know it's right.
This is exactly what I was trying to say.
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Why did they divorce?
She became obsessed with church.
What does the first wife look like?
I believe he said she was Spanish, never seen her.
Have you met her yet? Nope and don't plan to.
I'm of the mindset that you deserve a prince...if you marry some sap now, you might miss the opportunity to nab your prince....
I have thought about this too, but if I keep waiting....no kids.
Do you really need this man? No, it took me over a year to even get to this point with this dude. Off and on, off and on....
What if a better Mr. Right now comes along next week and looks like Lex Luthor?
Quicky Mexico divorce!
Why can't you adopt Christina and Christopher like Joan Crawford did?
I don't have Greg to do the papers.
Looks like Tazzy's at least known this guy for a year.
btw, I think the worse catastrophe that can happen to a person, man or woman is
to be with someone just because they are pressured or their bio clock is ticking. no sparks, no love, no money involved. they just want ppl to see they're taken.
you never realize how good your life is while you were alone, UNTIL you meet someone who ruins your life.
I have a friend who is the clingy type, she can't live without a man and would rather have someone (or anyone) even if they abuse her.:hurt:
to be with someone just because they are pressured or their bio clock is ticking. no sparks, no love, no money involved. they just want ppl to see they're taken.
you never realize how good your life is while you were alone, UNTIL you meet someone who ruins your life.
I have a friend who is the clingy type, she can't live without a man and would rather have someone (or anyone) even if they abuse her.:hurt:
Ditto and she is so desperate looking. She started talking to a guy (around the time she was going through her divorce) that just lost his wife at school and suddenly he was living in HER house along with his two girls. His poor wife's coffin wasn't even cold yet. From what I hear he is a total control freak and my now ex-friend was desperate and totally has no self esteem that this guy moved in and took over.
I feel worst for his two girls. Mr. Man as I call him, his mom told the girls, "your mom is dead, GET OVER IT." WTF kind of thing is that to tell two little girls who adored their mother??
- #94
Thread Owner
c'mon, don't you remember when routine is meet a guy, the next day he sweeps you off your feet, then you're engaged, next thing you're buying a house together,
then you buy a washer and dryer and then he steals the washer and dryer he bought with his money.
remember all those? :lol:
- #97
Thread Owner
I mean I get the whole driving me crazy parts totally.
I talk to my exs. Even bad breakups, we dealt with it, moved on and continue to be friendly with each other. Now I know kids put a whole new fold in life and the relationship. But I'm not a 20 y.o. that is going gah gah over a guy, pop out a kid or three and wears shiny new rose colored glasses and think life is going to be everyone skipping through the daisys either.
I'm thinking on the side of the kids.
Would you rather pick a person that you think would be a good husband or a good father? Husbands come and go nowadays, but you only get one father. I don't think I'm doing this for me, as much as knowing if I have kids, I know that they would have a good father.
Stupid? As I stand right now I don't know if it is being selfish or selfless. It's a very very fine line.
I talk to my exs. Even bad breakups, we dealt with it, moved on and continue to be friendly with each other. Now I know kids put a whole new fold in life and the relationship. But I'm not a 20 y.o. that is going gah gah over a guy, pop out a kid or three and wears shiny new rose colored glasses and think life is going to be everyone skipping through the daisys either.
I'm thinking on the side of the kids.
Would you rather pick a person that you think would be a good husband or a good father? Husbands come and go nowadays, but you only get one father. I don't think I'm doing this for me, as much as knowing if I have kids, I know that they would have a good father.
Stupid? As I stand right now I don't know if it is being selfish or selfless. It's a very very fine line.
- #98
Thread Owner
:lol: I was like huh? Oooooh yeah.
I don't post often, so I apologize for butting in here. Being the child of 2 people who married largely b/c they conceived me, I saw firsthand how utterly terrible a bad marriage can be and suffered for it as a child. Two people who do not truly belong together do nothing more than amplify each other's worst qualities. I know I'm a better person b/c of my husband. He sees my faults and he gently helps me correct them. It takes time and TONS of patience (I can be a real pain in the neck). It's the kind of thing that I think can only happen when true love is present. There was none of that in my parents' marriage...just an ebb and flow between what I'd call 'manufactured civility' (a sort of detente that could last months or a year or so if I was lucky), festering discontentment and ultimately straight up hatred for one another. The 'little annoyances' that people in love let slide become weapons in a bad or mediocre marriage. Speaking as the child who they were 'staying together for,' it sucked. Really badly. They were both miserable people together. Once they finally divorced and found new spouses, they were each SO much better people. Almost unrecognizable from who they were together. Speaking again as the child, I'd say it was the start of me being able to actually like both my parents because their good qualities started to shine. They were with people who complemented them.
As far as whether a good husband will make a good father....I think there is a definite connection. A child will be the product of the love the two of you have for one another. There are days my kids drive me nuts...and sometimes what holds me together is knowing that they are a part of him, my husband. It may sounds corny, but it's true, and my husband says the same thing. When I remember that, it's hard to lose patience with them and it makes me work harder to be a better mom. I don't want to give anything less to my husband. And on the days when he's wiped from a long day at the office, my husband still pitches in with the kids...the heavy lifting stuff, like dinner and bedtime. He could pat them on the head and sit in a chair while he watches them play....but he does the grunt work because he wants to take pressure off ME (we have 5 kids). That downtime gives me breathing space to recoup from crazy days--making me a better mother--and it also makes him a very hands on father. I really think it's all intertwined.
Last thing I'll say...there are days when, say, one kid is driving me bananas with constant questions. I'll be ready to lose it....and then I'll notice a little mannerism the child has that mimics my husband. It totally melts my heart and softens my spirit, if you will. I've also seen and experienced firsthand how that can cut the other way. The child that looks exactly like his father...who did something really crappy to the mom...and she sees that dad in him every time she looks at him. So she treats him like crap. Or, in my case, my mom would get angry at me when I would (unconsciously) adopt quirks similar to my dad. It presses buttons, and when you're under stress, it's not always easy to do the right thing.
btw, Tazzy, you're no wallflower. You work with attorneys all day, for pete's sake! You can't suffer fools easily. I gotta think that this guy, who you find tolerable now, will drive you up a wall before long. Even if he's a nice guy...he's just not the one for you. Don't put yourself in that position. Life's hard enough as it is.
- #100
Thread Owner
Yeah, but I'm a product of 2 people that were insanely in love with each other when they first got married after a month of knowing each other.
That was bad.....really really bad.
Just a little clarification, I don't hate him. I don't "not" like him. Am I crazy for him that I have to talk to him everyday, think of him first thing in the morning when I get up? No. I'm not going to lie. Good guy? Yeah. Can he deal with my baggage? So far, yeah. Can I deal with his? So far, yeah.
Once in your 30s, everyone has baggage.
That was bad.....really really bad.
Just a little clarification, I don't hate him. I don't "not" like him. Am I crazy for him that I have to talk to him everyday, think of him first thing in the morning when I get up? No. I'm not going to lie. Good guy? Yeah. Can he deal with my baggage? So far, yeah. Can I deal with his? So far, yeah.
Once in your 30s, everyone has baggage.
