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Glad you enjoyed the jokes, Pyxidragon. I would prefer "IRISH" . Thank you for asking. We shorten names here; what would you like for your shortened name?
Jokes, Funnies, etc.
- Thread starter dont argue with this guy
- Start date
lol they are very very funny irish ^.^
Pyxi's fine. I answer to most anything, really....
Dear Diary:
MONDAY AFTERNOON: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be. I felt singularly honored today as the Captain asked me to dine at his table tonight.
TUESDAY AFTERNOON: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He explained everything he was doing, and told me there are 1,262 passengers onboard. And he is responsible for everyone's comfort, safety, and having a good time. He is so charming, and invited me to dine at his table again tonight.
WEDNESDAY EVENING: The Captain saw me at the pool this afternoon, and invited me to have dinner in his cabin. His cabin is very cozy, and the dinner was served with only the finest wines. He made several amorous proposals to me, but I stood firm on my moral convictions.
THURSDAY EVENING: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his exotic proposals.
FRIDAY MORNING: I saved 1,262 lives last night ... twice!
MONDAY AFTERNOON: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be. I felt singularly honored today as the Captain asked me to dine at his table tonight.
TUESDAY AFTERNOON: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain. He explained everything he was doing, and told me there are 1,262 passengers onboard. And he is responsible for everyone's comfort, safety, and having a good time. He is so charming, and invited me to dine at his table again tonight.
WEDNESDAY EVENING: The Captain saw me at the pool this afternoon, and invited me to have dinner in his cabin. His cabin is very cozy, and the dinner was served with only the finest wines. He made several amorous proposals to me, but I stood firm on my moral convictions.
THURSDAY EVENING: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if I do not give in to his exotic proposals.
FRIDAY MORNING: I saved 1,262 lives last night ... twice!
In case you have not heard these...
Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....
"Da-ad.."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, you had your chance before Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad...."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minute s later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story ofChicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy *****! A talking chicken!'"
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....
"Da-ad.."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, you had your chance before Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad...."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minute s later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story ofChicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy *****! A talking chicken!'"
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
lol... I need to find me a smooth boy. 
*raises hand* I think I'm causing problems...
this is so not the right thread lol. you never cause problems pink .
I swallowed my wrist watch by accident yesterday, Harry.
Good heavens! Does it hurt?
Only when I wind it.
.I swallowed my wrist watch by accident yesterday, Harry.
Good heavens! Does it hurt?
Only when I wind it.
well not exactly jokes but some funny quotes from a video game I play. tell us what you think.
Colette: "Wow Lloyd, you looked really cool!"
Genis: "I'm starting to wonder about your tastes, Colette."
Lloyd: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Lloyd: "Colette...need cure for poison..."
Colette: "Oh, I'm not poisoned, Lloyd!"
Lloyd: "No...I mean...me..."
</pre>
Raine: "What was that enemies' name?"
Colette: "I like Poochie."
Raine: "No dear, I meant the species."
Raine: "This is not an inn, dear."
Sheena: "Be quiet you cold hearted witch!"
Raine: "Let's just leave her here."
Sheena: "And don't come back!"
Colette: "I don't think they can come back."
Sheena: "...Um...You're becoming more like Lloyd, aren't you?"
</pre>
Colette: "Wow Lloyd, you looked really cool!"
Genis: "I'm starting to wonder about your tastes, Colette."
Lloyd: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Lloyd: "Colette...need cure for poison..."
Colette: "Oh, I'm not poisoned, Lloyd!"
Lloyd: "No...I mean...me..."
</pre>
Raine: "What was that enemies' name?"
Colette: "I like Poochie."
Raine: "No dear, I meant the species."
Raine: "This is not an inn, dear."
Sheena: "Be quiet you cold hearted witch!"
Raine: "Let's just leave her here."
Sheena: "And don't come back!"
Colette: "I don't think they can come back."
Sheena: "...Um...You're becoming more like Lloyd, aren't you?"
</pre>
SEX, CHURCH, AND PANCAKES
Teen-age Sex:
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was
having sex Worried the girl might become pregnant !
and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family
doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very
willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on
birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing
for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a
box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug
her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm
dating Susan!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Church:
A man went to church one day and afterward he
stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you,
that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather
you didn't use
profanity"
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No ****?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Pancakes:
Brenda and Alvin took their six-year-old son to
the doctor. With
some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned
about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied.
"The rest are for your father.
Teen-age Sex:
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that
her daughter was
having sex Worried the girl might become pregnant !
and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family
doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very
willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on
birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing
for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a
box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug
her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm
dating Susan!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Church:
A man went to church one day and afterward he
stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you,
that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather
you didn't use
profanity"
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that
sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No ****?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Pancakes:
Brenda and Alvin took their six-year-old son to
the doctor. With
some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned
about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast,
there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied.
"The rest are for your father.
Husband Wanted
A lonely woman, aged 70,decided that it was time to get married.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED !
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see agray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me
to consider you, are you??
Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around
on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.
"Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a
big broad smile and said,
"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"??
A lonely woman, aged 70,decided that it was time to get married.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED !
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see agray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me
to consider you, are you??
Just look at you....you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around
on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently.
"Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a
big broad smile and said,
"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"??
