ROFL!!!
i think i like that one too
i think i like that one too
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Jokes, Funnies, etc.
- Thread starter dont argue with this guy
- Start date
The woman's prayer.
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my shape to keep. Please no wrinkles, please no bags and please lift my butt before it sags. Please no age spots, please no gray as for my belly please take it away. Please keep me healthy, please keep me young and thank you dear Lord for all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman.... http://www.smi! leycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support! soon, people will think we're nuts."
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my shape to keep. Please no wrinkles, please no bags and please lift my butt before it sags. Please no age spots, please no gray as for my belly please take it away. Please keep me healthy, please keep me young and thank you dear Lord for all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman.... http://www.smi! leycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support! soon, people will think we're nuts."
I'd rather be a pig...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home... maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm...)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)
The catfish has over 27, 000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A ****roach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.
(Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, jeez)
(That's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say is...
Lucky Pigs...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced
to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home... maybe at work?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm...)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)
The catfish has over 27, 000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... can you imagine?? And why pigs?)
A ****roach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.
(Creepy)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, jeez)
(That's almost as bad as catfish)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
After reading all these, all I can say is...
Lucky Pigs...
This could happen to you
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2,I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"NEED MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2,I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"NEED MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
Sexual Harassment
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Three Dead Bodies
Three Bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector: First body: A Frenchman, 72, died
of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous
smile.
Second body: Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent
it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
The Inspector asked, What of the third body?
Ah, says the coroner, This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the
Redneck from Arkansas, 30, struck by lightning.
Thought he was getting his picture taken.
smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector: First body: A Frenchman, 72, died
of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous
smile.
Second body: Irishman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent
it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.
The Inspector asked, What of the third body?
Ah, says the coroner, This is the most unusual one. Danny Earl, the
Redneck from Arkansas, 30, struck by lightning.
Thought he was getting his picture taken.
Business is booming
A GROUP OF TOURIST WERE TAKING A TOUR OF A RUBBER PLANT. ON ONE SIDE OF THE PLANT THEY WERE MAKING BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES AND ON THE OTHER SIDE THEY WERE MAKING CONDOMS.
ONE OF THE TOURIST NOTICED THAT EVERY 3RD CONDOM THE MACHINE WAS PUNCHING A HOLE IN THE TIP.
THE TOURIST ASKED THE GUIDE " I SEE THAT THE MACHINE IS PUNCHING AN HOLE IN THE TIP OF EVERY 3RD CONDOM, THATS NOT A GOOD THING TO DO"
THE GUIDE REPLIED "I KNOW ITS NOT GOOD FOR THE PEOPLE BUYING THE CONDOMS, BUT ITS GREAT FOR OUR NIPPLE BUSINESS"
A GROUP OF TOURIST WERE TAKING A TOUR OF A RUBBER PLANT. ON ONE SIDE OF THE PLANT THEY WERE MAKING BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES AND ON THE OTHER SIDE THEY WERE MAKING CONDOMS.
ONE OF THE TOURIST NOTICED THAT EVERY 3RD CONDOM THE MACHINE WAS PUNCHING A HOLE IN THE TIP.
THE TOURIST ASKED THE GUIDE " I SEE THAT THE MACHINE IS PUNCHING AN HOLE IN THE TIP OF EVERY 3RD CONDOM, THATS NOT A GOOD THING TO DO"
THE GUIDE REPLIED "I KNOW ITS NOT GOOD FOR THE PEOPLE BUYING THE CONDOMS, BUT ITS GREAT FOR OUR NIPPLE BUSINESS"
A blonde gets on a plane and walks confidently up to first class, taking a seat. When the passenger assigned to that seat got there and found her, he showed her his ticket and explained that she had to sit in her own seat.
She smiled at him sweetly and said, "Look, fella. I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York first class."
Frustrated, the man turned to a flight attendant who asked to look at the blonde's ticket. Sure enough, it was a coach class ticket. When the attendant asked the woman to move, she got annoyed and repeated herself. "I'm BLONDE, I'm BEAUTIFUL, and I'm going to New York FIRST CLASS!"
Unsure how to handle this, the attendant poked her head into the ****pit and explained the situation. The co-pilot got up and walked to where the belligerant blonde was seated. He leaned down and whispered something in her ear, causing her to jump up and run to her own seat.
"That's great!" said the passenger, settling in his seat. "What did you tell her?"
"Oh," replied the co-pilot, "I just told her that first class wasn't going to New York."
She smiled at him sweetly and said, "Look, fella. I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York first class."
Frustrated, the man turned to a flight attendant who asked to look at the blonde's ticket. Sure enough, it was a coach class ticket. When the attendant asked the woman to move, she got annoyed and repeated herself. "I'm BLONDE, I'm BEAUTIFUL, and I'm going to New York FIRST CLASS!"
Unsure how to handle this, the attendant poked her head into the ****pit and explained the situation. The co-pilot got up and walked to where the belligerant blonde was seated. He leaned down and whispered something in her ear, causing her to jump up and run to her own seat.
"That's great!" said the passenger, settling in his seat. "What did you tell her?"
"Oh," replied the co-pilot, "I just told her that first class wasn't going to New York."
lol
A peanut walked into a bar. He was a-salted. (assaulted)
Hick computer terms
Redneck computer terms
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Redneck computer terms
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."
G
Guest
Guest
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?"she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?"she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
G
Guest
Guest
The husband had just finished reading the best seller, Man of the House .
He then stormed into the kitchen, walking directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger into her face he proclaimed "From now on you will understand that I am the master of this house and my word is the law!!
"Tonite you will prepare a gourmet meal for me, and when I am finished with it I expect an excellent dessert, served with a fine Port wine.
Afterwards, you will draw my bath.............and fetch one of my favorite Cuban cigars from the humidor......I will want it lit for me to enjoy with my bath. And when I am finished with my bath, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied..............
"The funeral director."
He then stormed into the kitchen, walking directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger into her face he proclaimed "From now on you will understand that I am the master of this house and my word is the law!!
"Tonite you will prepare a gourmet meal for me, and when I am finished with it I expect an excellent dessert, served with a fine Port wine.
Afterwards, you will draw my bath.............and fetch one of my favorite Cuban cigars from the humidor......I will want it lit for me to enjoy with my bath. And when I am finished with my bath, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied..............
"The funeral director."
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are shipwrecked on a remote island. They have three cans of food but no can-opener.
The engineer looks all over the island to find the right shaped rocks and fashions himself a crude can-opener and opens his can of food.
The physicist makes a fire and heats the can to a specific temperature at which point it ruptures, allowing him to eat the food.
The mathematician picks up the third can of food. He says, "assume the can is open" and eats the food.
The engineer looks all over the island to find the right shaped rocks and fashions himself a crude can-opener and opens his can of food.
The physicist makes a fire and heats the can to a specific temperature at which point it ruptures, allowing him to eat the food.
The mathematician picks up the third can of food. He says, "assume the can is open" and eats the food.
G
Guest
Guest
One of BA posters is or will soon be in China. To assist the worldly traveller, I have discovered a guide that help you learn Chinese in just 5 Minutes.
This is from Capt. Dino Torino
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (You MUST read them out loud)
1) That's not right......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man................................ Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse............................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table.............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.............. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.................. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight..................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile............. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive.............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great.................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
This is from Capt. Dino Torino
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes... (You MUST read them out loud)
1) That's not right......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man................................ Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse............................... Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table.............. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift.............. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here.................... Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet............. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.................. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ... Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight..................... Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile............. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive.............. Yu Stin Ki Pu
16) Great.................................... Fa Kin Su Pah
rotflmao - That's great, Irish...or do you prefer anglo?
