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So how does this holiday thing really work?

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atm123

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I'm relatively young (26) and I've usually just gone to all the holiday events with my family. My dad's family is super anal and created something like a 10 year calendar of who is supposed to have what holiday each year. Even though we knew who was having it, the host always called everyone to tell them what to come and what time that we were eating. My parents just told me when to come and whatnot. My mom's family is more up in the air as to who was having it, but everyone knew the plan well in advance.

So DH and I have been married for 3 years and we have never gotten any formal invitation to any of the holidays. If we were lucky we would get a call from his mom telling us about it the day before. As a new member to the family I felt really left out and uninformed. DH said that the same people have it each year and you just show up. Apparently though some people know about Thanksgiving. His cousin said that the aunt that was hosting it had to work the next day so it would start earlier than normal....okay well it would have been nice to know that from the host or DS's mom. DH has voiced his opinion that I would like to know in advance about stuff and nothing has changed.

I feel like I am nice, I always bring a dish to share, and I offer to clean up. I'm 26, married, and have a son. When do we start getting treated like adults?

I am majorly PMSing, and I just want to spend the holidays with my family. I just don't want to feel so left out....
 
Don't get me started. I know where you're coming from :huggy:
 
So I am not totally overreacting in being upset that we don't get an invite? DH seems to think I am.
 
Holidays are always a joke around here too.. .SOOOO much drama...
Guess just grin n bare it?
 
I could go on an on, but I did want to add something that drives me crazy. I would ask what I can bring and was told nothing or I would get the store bought stuff. Usually pies since I could order them or get the for a fundraiser. I then married and nothing the first holiday. Next holiday I have a 6 week old and am asked to bring something. I now am asked to bring something and have a 2 and 5 year old. I supply the bird and some trimmings, but with the amount of people it would be nice to not have to hear I brought this, what did you bring?
 
crdnlsfan said:
I'm relatively young (26) and I've usually just gone to all the holiday events with my family. My dad's family is super anal and created something like a 10 year calendar of who is supposed to have what holiday each year. Even though we knew who was having it, the host always called everyone to tell them what to come and what time that we were eating. My parents just told me when to come and whatnot. My mom's family is more up in the air as to who was having it, but everyone knew the plan well in advance.

So DH and I have been married for 3 years and we have never gotten any formal invitation to any of the holidays. If we were lucky we would get a call from his mom telling us about it the day before. As a new member to the family I felt really left out and uninformed. DH said that the same people have it each year and you just show up. Apparently though some people know about Thanksgiving. His cousin said that the aunt that was hosting it had to work the next day so it would start earlier than normal....okay well it would have been nice to know that from the host or DS's mom. DH has voiced his opinion that I would like to know in advance about stuff and nothing has changed.

I feel like I am nice, I always bring a dish to share, and I offer to clean up. I'm 26, married, and have a son. When do we start getting treated like adults?

I am majorly PMSing, and I just want to spend the holidays with my family. I just don't want to feel so left out....
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One time we were invited for dinner (not Thanksgiving, but some occassion) and told to bring the salad and when we got there, everyone was already done eating!!! I was like WTF!!!! Why did I waste time and money on this stupid salad!!!??? And now we have to eat by ourselves in front of everyone??? I totally lost my appetite because I was so upset! The kicker is that we live only a few block away. A simple phone call saying that so-and-so showed up early, so we are going to start eating soon would have totally been appropriate. I would never have started without them!

Some families just don't think it matters.
 
crdnlsfan said:
So I am not totally overreacting in being upset that we don't get an invite? DH seems to think I am.
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No, you're not overreacting. They should have called to invite you. And of course he thinks you're overreacting, because to him their behavior is normal and he expects it. You're coming from 2 different backgrounds. Don't get mad at him; it's not his fault. But his child will be raised better than that ;)

The thing is, your DH's family is this way. This is how they roll. You're not going to change them much, so the only thing you can really do is try to get used to it and adjust your expectations. You're smart, you see a pattern, so try to adjust your expectations if you can.

I understand how you feel and am so sorry... I've been married 10 years and not once have I been invited to DH's older sister's house for a holiday. not ONE flipping time (she hosts thanksgiving every year but never calls us). His mom sees no problem with this :yay:. They've also been ****es about a couple of other holidays, don't get me started :ranting: I could write a book about this and many other things that irritate me about them. Bottom line is, nothing surprises me from MIL and SIL anymore. I've learned to expect the worst, then when something nice happens, it's like a really nice surprise. I vent to my sister, who understands. And I've vented here before too.

Holidays don't feel special at my in-laws. They just do things differently; it's very laid-back and last-minute whereas my family is like a 3-ring circus on holidays. At first my DH was overwhelmed with all the noise and chaos my family creates on big holidays... while to me his family seems bored and it just seems like any other day. It was hard when we'd spend Christmas with his family the first few years we were married. I'd call my family and try not to cry on the phone because I really missed them and could tell they were having a blast (without me :pout:).

At this point, I know what to expect from my in-laws, so I treat holidays with them like a penance I have to do. I love my husband and I wouldn't keep him from them. Another way I adjusted is that I kind of stole the opportunity to have Christmas dinner at my house one year, then the next, and it's turning into a pattern now. I like it -- I get to be with my family and DH's family can be there too; ALL will be invited with a phone call; it's their choice to come or not.

I am still trying to strike a balance between being a nice DIL and standing up for myself, but that's another thread.

maree said:
See now that is what booze is for!!! :lol:
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Marie is VERY right. I want a drink just reading this thread and thinking about the holidays + my in-laws
 
:lol: and :faint: Oh! And let's not forget :31:

If you don't do the first you're going to be doing a LOT of the 2nd two. ;)

Good to know I'm not the only one with crazies in the family! :surrender:
 
IHeartSaving$ said:
:lol: and :faint: Oh! And let's not forget :31:

If you don't do the first you're going to be doing a LOT of the 2nd two. ;)

Good to know I'm not the only one with crazies in the family! :surrender:
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we need details, babe...
 
KG said:
Marie is VERY right. I want a drink just reading this thread and thinking about the holidays + my in-laws
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Sorry for making you think about this, but thanks for letting me know that I am not being out of line. I hope everything works out for you this holiday season! :huggy:
 
Just general garden-variety crazies. We've all got 'em. Pretty much along the same lines as everyone here has described. Plus the whole "stuff" issues in another thread.

Although, I was just thinking. If ya'll ARE family, then does that make ME the crazy one driving you nuts? Hmmm...



















Oh, and if so, I can live with that. ;)
 
maree said:
See now that is what booze is for!!! :lol:
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Our standby dessert for family gatherings around the holidays is well soaked rum balls. No one else likes them, which is just fine by my husband and me!:giggles:
 
crdnlsfan said:
Sorry for making you think about this, but thanks for letting me know that I am not being out of line. I hope everything works out for you this holiday season! :huggy:
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:huggy: No need for apologies. It's considerate to plan ahead and let everyone know; this is just common sense to me. Take the high road now if you can, and hopefully someday you can lead by example.

IHeartSaving$ said:
Just general garden-variety crazies. We've all got 'em. Pretty much along the same lines as everyone here has described. Plus the whole "stuff" issues in another thread.

Although, I was just thinking. If ya'll ARE family, then does that make ME the crazy one driving you nuts? Hmmm...



















Oh, and if so, I can live with that. ;)
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yeah, it's occurred to me I'm a royal pain in their asses too. Funny how that doesn't bother me :lol: Don't hold out on the stories..

tavogels said:
Our standby dessert for family gatherings around the holidays is well soaked rum balls. No one else likes them, which is just fine by my husband and me!:giggles:
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I'm going to need that recipe!
 
crdnlsfan said:
When do we start getting treated like adults?
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Maybe it would help to act like an adult.

If they've been doing it their way for years, they aren't going to change for you. They haven't called you? What is stopping you from picking up a phone, calling & asking the host what time they want you & what can you bring?
 
ennui said:
Maybe it would help to act like an adult.

If they've been doing it their way for years, they aren't going to change for you. They haven't called you? What is stopping you from picking up a phone, calling & asking the host what time they want you & what can you bring?
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I'm not too keen on inviting myself to someone's house that I don't know well.
 
I was relieved to find out everyone was gonna be going and doing their own thang this year.

It will be just MY family... Me, DH, DD's, DS, the new SIL's, and our sweet little Rosie.

Do Thanksgiving just you and yours. It is awesome!
 
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