What's new
By:

So...those of you divorced...

anniefarrell2

anniefarrell2

Expert Talker
PF Member
Messages
554
Highlights
0
Reaction score
0
Points
402
Location
South Side of Chicago, IL
what was the final straw?

How do you know when you've had enough?

Practicing Catholic, three children (3, 5, and 7), mortage more than I probably could afford on my own, married 8 years next month...

I am not in physical danger and neither are the boys.
 
First :huggy: to you. I realize this is a more difficult decision because you are Catholic, but setting that aside I just knew in my heart. I think when you realize not only is it broken, but you are past the point of wanting to fix it or care if it gets fixed it is time to go. When you dread going home after work and wish the weekend would hurry so you can get out and go to work to get away from that person, its time to go. If you can't remember what you loved about your husband, and can't see yourself spending the next 50 or 60 years with him, its time to go.

It's scary and its a major adjustment for everyone, but you need to do what is right for you, which is ultimately what is best for the kids. You only live once, and God didn't intend for us to be miserable during that life. Many hugs and prayers for you.
 
when I read that I scoffed at 50 or 60 years....pretty sure it'd be 'homicide' long before then!

The Catholic thing is not bothering me as much as I KNOW it will bother my family (and his).

He's broken trust over and over again for the past 6 years, that I'm aware of, maybe longer.

I'm just feeling-done.
 
I personally don't think you can have "anything" with a spouse/partner without trust. It sounds cheesy but it really is the foundation to everything.

If you can't trust him not to do XYZ do you trust him to take care of you in your old age? To stay by your side when you are both old and gray and possibly infirmed? I think you have to be able to look at your spouse and know that this is the person that will (hopefully) be holding your hand when your time comes. If he's not that person, you have to make the difficult choice to move on.
 
have you ever considered counseling or would he go?
 
Every person has their breaking point. If you are asking what it is, you may not be there yet or not strong enough to recognize you've already passed it.

For me, not willing to compromise on anything tipped the scales for me. I got that "**** you" attitude about everything. You want me to get you 2% milk instead of the 1% I buy for everyone else? **** you!!! Not pretty. I then started to see that my anger was spilling over to the children from the stress of the situation. I asked him to leave. He did. The moment he left, I knew it was the right decision. There were previous times we had split & I was devastated. The moment he hit that door, I was doing a happy dance.

I hope you have friends & family to support you in whatever decision you make. (((hugs)))

P.S.

I never actually married, but we were together for 9 years. Worked out better as far not having any messy legal entanglements.
 
lucyrevenge said:
Every person has their breaking point. If you are asking what it is, you may not be there yet or not strong enough to recognize you've already passed it.

For me, not willing to compromise on anything tipped the scales for me. I got that "**** you" attitude about everything. You want me to get you 2% milk instead of the 1% I buy for everyone else? **** you!!! Not pretty. I then started to see that my anger was spilling over to the children from the stress of the situation. I asked him to leave. He did. The moment he left, I knew it was the right decision. There were previous times we had split & I was devastated. The moment he hit that door, I was doing a happy dance.

I hope you have friends & family to support you in whatever decision you make. (((hugs)))
Click to expand...


this made me :lol: a bit
 
Hugs for you, Annie.

My husband's cousin who grew up in a divorced home told me that's what her stepmother (who was in second marriage with her father) told her: the next one is not going to not get any easier, you will have a new set of issues to deal with. That's why she encouraged her sister (and me) who had a rough time in our marriages to try to work things out.

Another DH's cousin who has been married for 25 years said she felt like threwing in the towel for the first 7-8 years, it gets better after 12- 15 years, now she is pretty happy as far as I could tell. (...and her husband is a lot like my husband, so there is hope there...:-)

I understand what do you mean by broken trust, my husband has lied to me numerous times in the past seven years we have been together (sometimes with the help of his parents!!). He is recently dignosed to have ADHD, lying is part of the coping mechanisms. Though he didn't quite agree that he is ADHD, he agreed to see a neurologist and a therapist. Honestly, I have felt like throwing in the towel for the last two years, but I wouldn't say my husband is not trying. It's just a slow process that often drains me, which makes me feel like we aren't going anywhere.

Sorry, this rants of my marriage is probably not going to be much help. :-) I am trying to stay positive, look around, most marriages have issues and see what have kept people stay together, may be we could introduce that elements into our marriage.
 
mrsred1 said:
this made me :lol: a bit
Click to expand...

:lol: - Yeah I was pretty much a **** to him all the time that last year. He learned to stop asking me for things real quick. :giggles:

We get along sooooo much better now. I can actually talk to him without thinking, "Who gives a ****?"
 
I personally was in a very abusive marriage...both emotionally and physically. It took almost 7 years to get out. I was worried about what would happen. Even now that we ate divorced...he is abusive. I think once he grows up n gets.help he will be ok. I know my life is WAY better n happier. My older kids still struggle sometimes, but they always come.to me with their problems n I help them as best I can.
Best of luck to you....make sure you do what is best for you...you will know it in your heart :)
 
Hugs! I have been through a divorce (without kids) after being married 13 years. It must be harder to have children in this situation.

My advice is to please to look after you. You can always join a divorce support group / discussion board online (saves on time.) or in-person. Listening to others in situations similar to yours may help.

http://www.dailystrength.org
http://www.divorcecare.org

Friends, family and others may try to influence what you do- it is your decision in the end.
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending you big :grouphug: !!!
 
I know a couple that have been married and divorced, remarried, redivorced and they still live together. :lol:
Perfect for eachother as long as they aren't married. :lol:
 
I'm so sorry, Annie. :huggy:

I think sometimes you just know and other times it takes a lot for you to know. In my case, I was patient (to the point of stupidity) because of "the kids." I tolerated/put up with/went to counseling for a YEAR, all the while knowing the GF wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. Finally, the straw that broke the camel's back was I had planned a trip to the east coast to visit my family. 2 weeks on the beach. ExH said he couldn't leave his GF (not in so many words :giggles:) for that long so I said, "OK, then you can spend the two weeks packing your **** & moving out. You have until x date. If you're here when I get back, it's going to get bloody." He left & it's seriously been rainbows & puppy dogs ever since. My life is 10,000x better. Less $$, but better in every regard.

DH, on the other hand, didn't have to be told twice his ex was having an affair- he filed immediately, it was the out he'd been looking for for 15 years. WHY would ANYONE want to live that way?!

That being said, you didn't say what the trust is that has been broken time & again. You don't have to answer, but is it other women? Money? Drinking? Drugs? There is a difference, I think. Some things can be fixed with counseling & time. Other things, I think, just can't be fixed. Only you can evaluate that & decide. I can handle a lot, but will not tolerate anything that will ruin us financially for life. Clearly I can handle a GF. :lol: Handle, yes. Tolerate, no.

Also, your kids are young. Really young. I'm not saying stay for the kids, but do look at if your issues are compounded because of their ages. You guys work FT, have three little kids, must be running ragged with them all over town. That plus work, the house, their schedules, school, etc.... it's A LOT. And that can take a toll on any marriage. So, is it more that you guys just aren't a "couple" any more or is it beyond that?

(These are all rhetorical questions.)

On the other hand, if you just. hate. him., you probably know it's time to make a change.
 
And another thing, in case you are "overly" worried about the kids. From what I can tell, both with my kids, DH's kids & the kids we know who have divorced parents, the younger the kids are the better off they are. Mine were 5 & 9. My stepkids were 7, 9 & 14. SS23 is *****ed* up, we don't even talk to him because he lives in a world of delusion. His mother is a nutjob & I have worked my **** off for the past 9 years to thwart all of her "parental alienation" attempts with DH's relationship with the girls.

It is REALLY IMPORTANT that you love your kids more than you hate your spouse.

If he isn't a danger to them, encourage them to see him & love him, same as if you had a fantastic marriage. Children shouldn't have to choose one parent over the other, they should be allowed to love both of them without fear of being punished for it.

Sorry, I went off on a tangent. My point is that I think it's better to cut loose when they are younger, as opposed to older. The older they are (just based on my own observations & friends kids) the more they seem to questions the "why's" and mourn the loss of family as they knew it- the more they seem to dwell on it. Little kids are resilient, so don't "stay for the kids" if the end result is inevitible.
 
Wow, I am in the same boat. Yet I think I have reached my point where it is time to move on. Although we aren't married we were together for 8 years, have a daughter who is 7 and one on the way. He's never cared about our family and prefers his friends over us. I have been pro idling for our family for 7 of those years. In the past 8 months I have received less than 2 thousand for household expenses and he just recently bought my daughter her uniforms for school.
I have been lied to for all 8 years, have recently been cheated on and given a std and have been disrespected. I am sick of the constant liying especially after I have specifically gave instructions on the things I will not tolerate be lied to.
Once I found out he cheated I broke up with him, he wiggled his way back in my life and then left again to live with someone else "a friend". So I am done.
I am so depressed right now, but I know I have to move on, not just for my kids but for me. I need peace of mind. I am so tired of thinking if he is cheating, or whatever. I will not , I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THAT!


Thanks for the advice from you guys to op I know it is time.
 
My "last straw" won't be your last straw. You know you. Believe in yourself, trust your own self to know right from wrong. If you have given it your best, you will know.
 
lf5058 said:
I wouldn't say my husband is not trying. It's just a slow process that often drains me, which makes me feel like we aren't going anywhere.
.
Click to expand...

The counselor said, "well. He has made some changes and improvements. It's just not as noticable because he started well below the zero line and has just gotten into a positive number."

I am not discounting the great strides we've made together, but I think I AM on the edge of that '****y' stage.

When I ask, "who were you texting", he doesn't have the right to be indignant about it.
 
HUGS! I have no advice...just HUGS...never been divorced(knocks on wood)...and as much as I complain about my DH I STILL LOVE him...I like what Barb had to say...I think she made particularly good points...Best of luck to you either way.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top