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So...those of you divorced...

lucyrevenge said:
:lol: - Yeah I was pretty much a **** to him all the time that last year. He learned to stop asking me for things real quick. :giggles:

We get along sooooo much better now. I can actually talk to him without thinking, "Who gives a ****?"
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and do you have kids?
I feel like the ONLY reason I am not being ****y is because I want to protect my boys.
I was in the ****y phase before...the doctor put me on Rx.
it helped. now do I get more?

He hasn't had ONE particular girl, that I know of, since the beginning-(I was able to embarrass her <a family 'friend'> and have not seen her since). I'm still pretty sure I'd scratch out her eyes!

He's on the internet with random girls sending photos to them (enlarged versions, I might add).

This weekend, I picked up his phone to see if his sister had texted him and found texts from about 5 girls. talking about sex. He was texting them while I was in the front room, about 15 feet away.

The counselor said in her phone message to me its like someone who is an alcoholic. He's fallen off the wagon.

I say, "bull ****".

I was not vague about how it makes me feel. This has happened so many times, twice while I was pregnant. He knows how much it bothers me and has ignored my feelings. He said he's sorry and doesn't know why he keeps doing it.

When I was packing his bag he said I was being 'rash'. I nearly lost it! RASH?!?! RASH?!?!? Taking a hammer to your MF phone would be RASH! but then I'd just have to pay for it...

I don't want to see the counselor. I'm too angry.

This is not my fault except for letting it happen again.

What I want to do is go tell his MOM! maybe she could beat the **** out of him, or some sense into him!
 
While deciding whether divorce was right, we decided to go to counseling. My (now ex!) husband went for the first time in HIS LIFE completely straight. I was telling her what he does on a regular basis, arguments, rants, screaming ect. She listened and then asked him if it was true. He of course denied everything, making himself seem angelic. She told me I was be demanding, uncaring and a bit crass.

We went to counseling 1 time. This woman bought his bs hook line and sinker. I had had more than enough and was at the time on the brinks of being suicidal. Her crap did me no good. I filed within a couple weeks and never felt guilt for it.
 
Once again, I have to say thank you to every one here. Just knowing that I can vent and get advice is SO helpful.

I cannot tell my mom what's totally happening, because if I 'forgive' him, she might not be able to.

Thank you so much.
 
Have you spoken with anyone at the parish?

Is there any sort of counseling available from a priest or others?
 
Just the fact that you are opening up about everything means that you are past the point of caring and trying to fix things. If you wanted to still work on your marriage you would be in the "covering things up phase."
Divorce sucks, is a lot of work, and costs a lot of money. My Ex didn't cheat on me, but I don't regret getting divorced for a nano-second.
Here is the advice I recently gave to someone and it applies here too - why settle to be a guys second choice when there are plenty of guys out there who would love you for you and you would be their first choice.
Your kids will be hurt, it will be hard on them, there will be things they don't understand. But living the way you are now they are hurt seeing you fight, they don't understand why mom and dad don't get a long, and they will grow up thinking it is okay for husbands to cheat on their wives.
Break the cycle!
 
anniefarrell2 said:
and do you have kids?
I feel like the ONLY reason I am not being ****y is because I want to protect my boys.
I was in the ****y phase before...the doctor put me on Rx.
it helped. now do I get more?

He hasn't had ONE particular girl, that I know of, since the beginning-(I was able to embarrass her <a family 'friend'> and have not seen her since). I'm still pretty sure I'd scratch out her eyes!

He's on the internet with random girls sending photos to them (enlarged versions, I might add).

This weekend, I picked up his phone to see if his sister had texted him and found texts from about 5 girls. talking about sex. He was texting them while I was in the front room, about 15 feet away.

The counselor said in her phone message to me its like someone who is an alcoholic. He's fallen off the wagon.

I say, "bull ****".

I was not vague about how it makes me feel. This has happened so many times, twice while I was pregnant. He knows how much it bothers me and has ignored my feelings. He said he's sorry and doesn't know why he keeps doing it.

When I was packing his bag he said I was being 'rash'. I nearly lost it! RASH?!?! RASH?!?!? Taking a hammer to your MF phone would be RASH! but then I'd just have to pay for it...

I don't want to see the counselor. I'm too angry.

This is not my fault except for letting it happen again.

What I want to do is go tell his MOM! maybe she could beat the **** out of him, or some sense into him!
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We have three children together. I got a RX for depression, but I'm off now. At the time, it was just another reason for me to take a serious look at my situation. I've struggled w/depression as long as I can remember, but it was the worst it has ever been when I was with him. He had a way of not understanding how I needed to be carried/supported(if that makes sense?). Something he later recognized. Not to say I was an angel. Just that in the context of the relationship we failed each other. We are much better parents & friends apart.

The best thing about it all is if we argue, we can go back to corners and calm down. When we lived together, I felt like there was nowhere for me to go to escape my situation w/him.

As far cheating goes, it seems to me your DH has no intention of changing his behavior & more importantly he does not seem to want to(purely based on what you said). For me, I'm not interested in dragging anyone along(speaking in regards to adults only). I don't want to convince you of what you should be doing. If you don't know better, you're an idiot. If you know better, you don't care. Either way, it's time for me to move on.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this all. :(
 
Wow Annie, so tough.

I told my DH when we got together that I have 3 absolutes. No questions asked, if any of these things happen, ever, we are done.

1) Physical abuse
2) Cheating (physical or no, and am I also anti-porn movies and absolutely no internet/electronic porn or "friends")
3) Drugs

That's just it.

Several of my uncles have been junkies. They are all dead. Before they died, they put their families through decades of abuse.

Porn is cheating in my eyes and nothing will change my mind. Whether in thought or in deed, if I am not enough woman for him, he needs to man up and tell me so we can split the sheets.

Physical abuse goes without saying.

Anyway my point is all 3 of these behaviors are deviant, selfish, self-serving, and sadistic. People do not get "cured" of them. I am very very unforgiving of all 3 of those behaviors and I don't care what anyone else thinks of it. Very very very few people who get "hooked on" any of those things ever recover. They may recover for a time but I myself do not believe there can ever be trust again. The only hard part of any type of deviant or addictive behavior is *doing it* the *first* time, once you get away with it once or are forgiven for it once, it is always EASIER, not harder, to do it again.

That's my view. I told my DH in no uncertain terms that if he ever cheated in word or in deed, he would be out on his **** and **** the budget. I can make my way.

Best of luck to you! I would not be satisfied with someone in counseling for deviant behaviors still engaging in those behaviors. That is an ineffective counselor you have there.

I also agree younger kids deal with breakups better. They are not mature enough thinkers to want to take sides (generally).

:hug:

Other people disagree, that's just my view.
 
The defination of Insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results (someone told me that and I love it!)

If he is that open with other women I would be gone already. Call an attorney for a free meeting. Take care of you and your kids
 
And PS - if you examine your religious beliefs in the Catholic church, you will see that he is not a true husband to you. Your marriage is already annulled by his behaviors, it is just not memorialized on paper.

If you want to work at it, you should. But nothing you do will fix it if he doesn't want to change and truly atone for his behaviors.
 
anniefarrell2 said:
The counselor said, "well. He has made some changes and improvements. It's just not as noticable because he started well below the zero line and has just gotten into a positive number."

I am not discounting the great strides we've made together, but I think I AM on the edge of that '****y' stage.

When I ask, "who were you texting", he doesn't have the right to be indignant about it.
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In 2009-2010, My husband was lying about his whereabout, for months he lied about he worked overtime (the pay stubs didn't show any overtime), he walked to another room to talk on the phone, never at home when he is off work, any woman would have thought he had an affair, wouldn't you?

I knew he wasn't having an affair, but the occasional strong cigarrette/herbs smell on his clothes had me supected he might be into drugs.

It just turned out that his parents were the ones that called him, talking to him about plans that I wasn't a part of (i.e. more lies...) had him stopped by everyday before and after work and had programs for him on his day off. They also let him used their credit card to buy toys online and had the toys shipped to their house. DH was constantly taking money from our bank account to pay them, but told me he needed spending money for lunch and coffee. I am not stupid, who spent $4-5k on coffee and lunches?

DH has issues, but I blamed his parents for condoning his bad behaviors and made me the bad person so they could have their son over all the time. I had a fall out with FIL last christmas, and I basically cut them out this days, I would have them over for dinner once in a while, be polite and said good bye, that's it, we are not buddies. They still call DH several times a week and made me the bad controling wife. But, DH at least doesn't think so anymore.
 
I say this all the time when people ask why I divorced ex-DH...

"Call me kooky but I prefer that my husband not date". That's the truth of it. Among other things. But that is the stand out reason. I'm not a big enough person to forgive and forget that.

Did anyone ever see the movie Crazy in Alabama? With Melanie Griffith? It was on this weekend. Basically she kills her abusive husband with rat poison in his coffee. She then decapitates him and carries his head around in a hat box while on the run but that's besides the point. Anyway, eventually she goes on trial for it, where she pleads not guilty. She gives this heart wrenching speech to the judge and jury.

The gist of it is this..."there are fast ways of killing people and there are slow ways of killing people. And Chester (the husband) was killing me the slow way. You make a beautiful dinner and he scarfs it down in 2 minutes and never says thank you or anything and a little piece of you dies. He was just using me up and killing me a little piece at a time. So I'm not guilty...because what I did, I did in self defense".

That has stuck with me for YEARS since I first saw that movie. If your partner isn't feeding your soul, he's killing it a little bit at a time. We need love, encouragement, trust and all that other stuff in order to flourish. Anything less than that will eat away at you a little at a time.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering every time his phone beeps or his email dings or he's gone to the store 30 minutes longer than you thought it should take?
 
I'd tell his mom when she asked why I was putting all of his **** in her yard. :)

One time offense? Fine. Multiple times, including while I was pregnant? That man should be happy he has anything left to photograph.
 
Oh, and since you are "in it" right now, you can't see how ridiculous it is that you are medicating yourself to deal with your reactions to HIS ISSUES. Believe me, once you are free of it & can clear your head, when you've had time to think & breathe, you will see that no one, and especially not your spouse!!!, should make you feel like you need to medicate yourself to get through the day.

It's one thing to medicate to help yourself...but not to help you deal with the WRONG and HURTFUL actions of others. Having been pretty heavily medicated at times myself, I totally get it. Annie, it's HIM, not you. :huggy:

(I would just like to say that I CANNOT believe this is the mofo that loaded my freaking car with the CW gifts last winter. Had I known I would've accidently put the car in reverse. Woopsie! :duh:) :lol:
 
annie....

I hope you protect your health, for STDs can have long-term ramifications.

What you have described is not a marriage. I don't think any self-respecting priest could say it is healthy for you to stay in this arrangement.

:grouphug: I really can't imagine. :grouphug:
 
And I would be more than happy to PM you my cell phone #. We can text each other "inappropriate" texts & he can wonder what you're up to. We can also meet for a drink- ramp it up a notch. :snicker:
 
I agree with Kathy, infidelity, drug use and physical abuse is not something that I would put up with. Protect yourself, be the one who is able to say "I want you to pack and leave NOW!"

I have told my husband many times that I would want him to leave if he doesn't want the commitment of marriage anymore, I would not hesitate to put his belonging out the curb on garbage days if he refuses to leave.
 
Yes forgot that part - I did get an annulment. My ex didn't cheat on me but that is definitely one of the hard and fast rules of marriage that the Church does not approve of. Annulments are an additional cost and very time consuming - but can be worth it!
 
:mob" I say we send the CW posse after Annie's husband...he won't mess with us, we are some tough broads! :-)
 
first of all, :huggy: :huggy:. I don't have much advice, but I was going to say exactly what skincarekathy said here:

skincarekathy said:
And PS - if you examine your religious beliefs in the Catholic church, you will see that he is not a true husband to you. Your marriage is already annulled by his behaviors, it is just not memorialized on paper.

If you want to work at it, you should. But nothing you do will fix it if he doesn't want to change and truly atone for his behaviors.
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dragonfly said:
(I would just like to say that I CANNOT believe this is the mofo that loaded my freaking car with the CW gifts last winter. Had I known I would've accidently put the car in reverse. Woopsie! :duh:) :lol:
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LOL
that's the problem. His is generally nice, generous, and a great dad.
He's actually at a CCD teacher's meeting right now. He taught 4th grade last year at our parish.

husband? room for improvement.

i feel like the counselor is taking his side.


"I know absolutely that if I cheat my dh will be gone"
I know its weird, but he doesn't see it as cheating. he really doesn't. We've faught about it over and over. I've explained about how he is talking to actual people. He's telling them stuff about himself (where he lives, that he's married, about our relationship). He's making relationships with real people.
He doesn't see it.

This is what I've come up with your help.

He and I will have a sit-down.
-I'm going to tell him I don't want him in the house when I'm here. He can live with his mom who is an empty nester and is having knee surgery sometime soon. She could use his help and I could use hers. It would be easy to tell the boys he's at her house helping out. So that will ease that problem.

He is an addictive personality. He's been really good about not drinking too much. (He doesn't drink and drive at all since he smashed our car 5 years ago). and maybe this is replacing his addictions?

-he needs to attend some sort of meetings AA, SA, some A of some sort.

-and he will have to continue to see the counselor.

-he'll need to see the boys on scheduled days because they do need him.

?
 
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