UPDATED TITLE - Teen Sneaks - Mean Mom busts her!
- Thread starter DianeScraps
- Start date
a_s_b- that was one of the best posts I've ever read, here or anywhere else.
Kids are tough. Teenagers are sub-human at times.
:huggy: to you & your dd. 15 is interesting. My SD15 is so desperate for friends & a bf, I can only imagine what she's going to be doing once she gets one. My DD17 is currently on a train to visit her bf at college until tomorrow. I am walking a fine line with allowing her some freedom...just enough so that she doesn't make a very poor decision in 6 months & move to WI to live with him in some ****hole apartment because she's in "love." I'd rather have her live here a few extra years than move in with him when she's 18 & cycle back to our house 6 years from now with a divorce, 2 kids & a dog.
Kids are tough. Teenagers are sub-human at times.
:huggy: to you & your dd. 15 is interesting. My SD15 is so desperate for friends & a bf, I can only imagine what she's going to be doing once she gets one. My DD17 is currently on a train to visit her bf at college until tomorrow. I am walking a fine line with allowing her some freedom...just enough so that she doesn't make a very poor decision in 6 months & move to WI to live with him in some ****hole apartment because she's in "love." I'd rather have her live here a few extra years than move in with him when she's 18 & cycle back to our house 6 years from now with a divorce, 2 kids & a dog.
Thank you, and thank you. Good to be back.
I appreciate that.
Ha, yeah. I'm trying to get back onto the swing of things.
Wow, thank you.
Well, for one, I'm glad that you took my post as I intended. I was (and still am) so tired, I had no idea if I was expressing myself correctly.
Looking back at the post, man it is long. And now I can see a few areas where I wanted to add some specifics.
Like, here's one (but look at how much space just one specific takes up):
Her mom, when she gets really angry at her (because kids are frustrating at times), well her mom will say something like, "I can't wait until you're in college so I don't have to deal with this crap any more" (to whatever the "crap" may be).
So, when a "conflict" arises, Samantha will usually just go to her room, close her door, and come out years later.
About 3 weeks ago, I was called over to help a situation where her mom wanted to leave their home, just to get away from Samantha.
Samantha had just come back from a 4 day vacation (in WI) with a friend and the friend's parents. The day she arrived in WI, her phone died (so we thought). So what's the first thing she does when she gets home? She ****ily wants to know what's gonna be done about her phone.
No hello, no hi mom, just ****ing about her phone.
Her mom gets mad, her mom ****es back at her (harshly), and Samantha goes to her room (****ing along the way). About a half hour later, mom opens Samantha's door and ****es at her even more. After this, I get the call, and in 20 minutes, I'm there while mom is leaving.
I go into Samantha's room. She's looks dejected. She's reading a book on her bed. She knew I was coming, so she was expecting to be ****ed-out by me. She puts the book down and stares straight ahead (which was away from me).
Here's how it went down (this is an extremely accurate retelling):
Me: So how was Wisconsin? You got some sun, and it looks nice on you. You don't look like bacon (*smile*).
Her: It was okay.
Me: Okay? Just okay?? Did something bad happen?
Her: Ya know, I know you're here to lay into me, so just stop acting like you actually care about my vacation, and just get it over with already. GOD!
Me: Seriously, do you think I don't care about the vacation? And do you really think I'm here to lay into you? When have I ever done that?
Her: Well, you're here, and I obviously did something wrong for you to be here like this. Mom left, and she hates me. So what did I mess up now?
Me: Look, you'll tell me about the vacation on the way to your mom's getaway place, but for now ...
Her (interrupting me): I'm not going to see my mom.
Me: Sorry, but you will be seeing her, and you'll see why after we talk.
Her: *****ugggghhhhhhhhhh*****
Me: So, let me do it this way. When you came home today, would you be willing to admit that you were, shall we say, unpleasant? Did you even say hi to your mom? Nice to see ya mom?
Her (long pause, literally a minute, which is long if you think about it): Maybe, maybe I was ... crabby. I'll admit that. And I don't remember if I said hi or not. Probably not.
Me: Well, your mom hasn't seen you in 4 days. She normally sees you every single day, and she's very happy to see you, and looking forward to finding out how your vacation went. And you start-in on her about your phone. Don't even say hello first. She probably won't tell you this, most parents wouldn't, but that kind of stuff makes her feel bad about herself, like she can't provide for you, can't get you a new phone, and that even you think she's a bad mom because she can't. Her anger starts with that, the hurt, the pain. She'd give you the world, if she could afford it. Do you think your mom is a bad mom? Didn't both of you deserve a happy greeting? To her, she probably felt like you were gone forever. I know I feel like you've been gone a long time.
Her: (after a lot of thinking, about 5 minutes. And yes, I waited, lord o lord I waited): Okay, so yeah, I shoulda said hi, and I shoulda been more chill about the phone, but ... but ...
(she stops, she starts crying, heavily, and I say "yeah, let that come out, and tell me what you were gonna say when you can, I'll wait quietly")
(eventually, she continues)
... but why does it matter? ... any of it? ... ANY of it? I always do something stupid, and mess things up, I can't do anything right, and everybody ends up hating me. And she's sooooo ready, almost happy for me to leave, and go to college. So yeah, I should have done things differently, and I get that ... nowwwww ... but she told me that she can't wait for me to go to college, so she can be done dealing with all my ... can I say it? ... ("say what", I ask) ... say the S word? (I say, "yeah, for the purposes here, it's acceptable") ... well, she told me that she can't wait for me to go to college, so she can be done dealing with all my ****! And ya know, that's much closer now, only a few years, and she just can't wait. CAN'T WAIT!
(more crying, lots and lots of crying)
(I wait, again, for like 3 or 4 minutes)
It hurts. I don't want her to look forward to me leaving. I'm not ready to leave yet, but she sure is ready. It's like she doesn't care. It hurts. BAD! And every time something happens, in other words, every time I EFF something up, she tells me she can't wait for me to leave. So most of the time now, when a fight starts, about 5 seconds into it, I just come here to my room, so it doesn't get to the point where I have to hear her tell me how **** GLAD she is for that time when I'm FINALLY gone.
(more crying, that super ugly-face crying)
Me: Is it okay if I say something? .. or did you have more? I don't want to interrupt (she's says, "go ahead").
Look, she says those words, yes, but believe me, she is not looking forward to you being gone. She's scared of that, not looking forward to it. And when you guys fight, she wants nothing more than for it to end, and get to a resolution, where you still love her, respect her, and don't hate her.
Each of you have no idea how much the other thinks the same way about these fights, and you don't talk enough about what you're feeling. You don't want to fight, and she doesn't either.
You go to your room, and your mom thinks you're angry at her. But you're not. You're afraid of what she'll say.
You're mom is pained by something, and she is afraid that you'll leave her again by going to your room. She doesn't want that.
________________
There's more conversation, and more of me explaining the parent side of things in a supremely open way, and more of me getting her to tell me what she's feeling, and why.
Eventually, after things become better (even between us), I say to her, "Okay, it's time to take a drive to your momma, and you're going to tell her this stuff, because I can tell you right now, if she knew that her words caused this pain, and always do ... and if she knew all the different reasons from your perspective that you guys argue, she'll be sad, very sad. And she needs to know this stuff, and you need to see her feel what she feels, and see it in person."
She begs not to go. I look at her like I do when I'm implying something like, "yeah, you don't want to, but you're gonna, and I'm gonna make it happen whether you want it or not".
We go, and she's quiet for 15 of the 17 minutes of that drive, and when we are getting closer, she asks me, "Can you pleeeeeeaaase help me with how to say things to mom? I don't always get the words right. It's like, I totally know what I'm thinking, but I just can't ever seem to make the words come out right."
I say, "of course".
Fast-forward, Samantha talks to her mom, and cries while she talks ... and mom is crying now because she now sees what her comments about wanting her to go to college do to her, and mom explains that those words come out due to anger, frustration, sadness, fear, and whatever else. She apologizes to Samantha, and says she'll never say it again.
She also tells Samantha this, as an explanation:
"Ya know, I haven't seen you in a week, and I'm really happy you're finally home, and I want to hear about Wisconsin, to make sure you had fun, and you basically tell me I'm a terrible mom who can't afford a cool phone. You didn't even say hello to me. That hurts me, so I get mad, and then I say that stuff to you out of anger. But ya know, it's just that I feel bad that you think I'm such a useless mother who can't afford to buy you stuff from Hot Topic or Tiffany's, and that I need to go to Walmart, or Target, because it's all we can afford, and we're not able to upgrade your phone yet, but I definitely want you to have one because of emergencies and stuff, so I kinda don't know what to do."
(By the way, her phone works fine. I check it out while she was silent for one of those long pauses. She admitted that she might have gotten it wet when she first got to the beach at the Wisconsin rental cabin, when she went into the water just to check it out, and her phone was in the back pocket of her shorts, and the water splashed onto her shorts pretty well. One of the reasons she was so angry about her phone, was actually because she was angry at herself for letting it get wet.)
______________
Anyway, the point of all this is that the kids aren't always thinking what we think they're thinking, and we're not always saying or doing things that are right either. We may think we know why they're doing or saying something, yet be completely wrong. Only they can tell us what's what, but they need to know they can tell us what's what, without feeling like what they think or say doesn't matter.
Her mom confirmed everything I said to Samantha, and Samantha was able to see what her mom was feeling too.
There's been a huge evolution to all of our relationships. If you go back up to the second thing she said to me in that conversation, there are no doubt countless parents that would be like, "how dare you talk to me like that, raising your voice at me, you little ****" ... but we all need to express ourselves, especially the kids, because it's about the only way parents will get some insight into what they're thinking.
She has full permission to say whatever she feels like saying, even if it's angry, loud, mean, or whatever. No violence is acceptable of course.
And we (well mostly me for now, since mom is still teaching herself to be better at it), we remain calm, don't raise our voices, and let her express herself in whatever way she does. It's not always easy to deal with, sure, but there are numerous windows into their mind that appear when she speaks/yells freely.
We also don't force conversations. Any of us can call a meeting of the roundtable. Every minute of the day isn't always the best time to "reach" them, and it takes time to learn the times that are best to see some opened windows.
Anyway, most of what I'm saying here becomes more clear after reading that book. And again, it's just a starting point. There are other sources of "help" too, but I'd say that an open mind is a requirement for any of it.
Soooo...........she was actin' like a spoiled lil ****? :9: This is familiar.............I just got back from Salvation Army, picked up a couple binders for school. Handed one to my son (11) when I got home. He got all pissy about me buying something "used" (it looks new) and went on about how his friends get new stuff, slammed it down and left the room. I had some choice words for him and sent him to his room. :surrender:
We have these kind of convos all the time. It's like I'm committing child abouse that he ONLY has a Wii and not other video game systems like EVERY OTHER kid in his class does. Ya know what.............I could go out today and buy all the game systems but I won't..............because of his tude........lil ****! :ranting:
We have these kind of convos all the time. It's like I'm committing child abouse that he ONLY has a Wii and not other video game systems like EVERY OTHER kid in his class does. Ya know what.............I could go out today and buy all the game systems but I won't..............because of his tude........lil ****! :ranting:
Oh yeah.
I applaud you're waiting for the 5+ minutes for her to answer...that is where I always mess up.
a_s_b, I copied your entire post into word so my DD can read it so we can start a conversation. I am sure my DD feels exactly the way you described and I know I have made many of the mistakes that her mother has made....I am so glad you are back....I have always enjoyed your insight.
But did you have to copy it again here? :giggles:
Good luck with your daughter. I thought my bf was my life at 17. Then when I went to college (he didn't) he got an apartment right across the street from my dorms. Needless to say we broke up shortly after. :snicker: I wanted to have fun!:cartwheel:
ETA: oh wait, I thought you were dragonfly with the 17 yo daughter. How old is your DD?
a_s_b- you are just full of wonderful insight today! My DD & I don't bicker like that (anymore) because she's grown up a lot in the past 2 years, but I remember those days. That's why I always say that 12-15 is BAD, but then they seem to come back & are almost like real, normal people again.
I also think it's terrific that you & your ex seem to get along so well. That's been one of my top priorities since my ex & I split & so far, 9 years later, we're still good. I think it helps the kids a lot when their parents still function as parents together.
I also think it's terrific that you & your ex seem to get along so well. That's been one of my top priorities since my ex & I split & so far, 9 years later, we're still good. I think it helps the kids a lot when their parents still function as parents together.
His "DD" is his proxy daughter. Not bio, just helping raise her. He explained it a while ago. Basically he's a good guy being the father figure for a girl with a single mom.
And he should be applauded for being better to her than most "real" parents would be. asb...you are an inspiration
