I don't have it in me to give the details of the stuff I've been dealing with for the past 5 months, and I'm feeling very cautious about this post, but here it is.
Obviously, your original title was a self-description about being a failure, and many have already stated that you're not a failure. It's the standard concern for a (good) parent any time their kid does something ****ed up.
I started drinking when I was 12. By the time I was 15, I was an alcoholic, and legendary on both sides of town. I started
"doing the pot" when I was 15, then eventually moved on to coke when I was 19. All along the way, I did a whole bunch of other **** that is (most likely) universally frowned upon (e.g. shoplifting, property damage, physical violence, etc.).
Now it's easy for me to see what was going on back then (generally speaking), but at the time, my adolescent brain was on autopilot, and was working with incomplete hard-wiring.
I finally worked toward
"normal" by the time I was 20, right about the time I did my last line in the bathroom at work, then abruptly walked out of the building never to return. That was my way to quit the coke. No money, no coke, repo'd car, no job, and dropped to rock bottom.
The friends I had at the time ... well, I ditched them too. I was still drinking, but that became less and less over time. Nearly stopped by the time I worked through 24 to 27, but picked up my pace again leading to 30, at which time me and two of my closest friends had a huge
"Otis Night" (
name inspired by the Andy Griffith Show).
That was the last time I drank, coming close to 11 years ago now. Not too proud to say that by the time I was 30, I had been a drinker for 18 years, and a real-deal drunk for 10 of those, easily.
In recent years, I found out that my parents were extremely under-informed about everything I had done in my adolescence. The numerous heists of my mom's car for 2 years
before I turned 15 were invisible, as were those keggers I had when they went on those utterly infrequent 2-day vacations. Being 6'2" at 11, and looking 21 by the time I was 15 made beer an easy thing to obtain. Bars were happening at 16. Move forward to a 21st birthday surprise party at a BYOB place where I sat there the whole night thinking,
"mom, dad, I CAN DRINK A ****ING CASE OF THAT **** BY MYSELF!! BORINGGGGGGGG!!!!!!".
I was also drunk at my high school graduation. Spent the whole morning at the forest preserve only 2 miles away. And by the way, I drove myself to the forest preserve, and then to and from graduation.
Yeah, we kids do some ****ed up things.
I felt bad telling them about all this the stuff, but I had my reasons for the conversations, and even those many years later, I definitely didn't want them to feel like failures.
They weren't failures. I was cunning, very cunning.
Cunning ... kinda like how you can change a girl's wardrobe, but she can always swap those clothes out at a friend's house. She can do makeup there too. You can always take away their phone, but they can get a toss-away at Walmart (and artfully figure out a way to pay for it). Friends help friends. The daughter can ask to go to the mall with a friend (just one friend), and they can meet a couple boys in the food court after you drop them off (one of them drove there by the way). They met on Facebook. They can say they're going to teen impact night at Willow Creek (seems honorable enough), but do something else for those 2 hours instead.
Yes, there's no parenting manual given to every parent that is specific to each kid. And yes, there are certainly parents that are failures ... but people in that category don't actually give a **** about their kid anyway, and their failure was in action long before their kid came along.
But those of us that care (like my parents, and me), and no doubt care deeply, well ... we're not failures. The kids are gonna do ****ed up ****. Didn't we all on some level? (some more than others?).
We're building people here, and doing it without instructions. We do the best we can based on what we were given by
our builders (parents).
They didn't have instructions either.
Even if someone constructs one of their kids very well, that means
nothing for any of the others. New kid, new instructions (i.e. still no manual).
The failure thing ... what I am trying to say, doing the best that I can to present it in a way that will be understood in the exact way that I intend it to be understood (constructively) is this ...
No, you're not a failure, because you obviously care about your daughter. That's a fact. But (and here's the hard part), a parent absolutely cannot move forward from the adversities their child presents to them with the impression that they've played no role in what their kid has done, or what they will do. That's not the same as failure though. Not even close.
But still, there is work to be done, and being prepared for self-examination is a healthy concept. I've had at least 5 significant situations where I apologized to her, and her mom probably 10 times. Those apologies were real, and she was impressed and strengthened by them, but we found that out from someone else. We have sit-downs, roundtable discussions I call them. We don't talk at her, we talk with her. She's a part of the process, and she has a voice. The rules are a collective process, and they are adjustable.
(GENERALLY SPEAKING, as an example)
If one drinks, even casually, or only once a week, or only on special occasions, they're still telling their kids that drinking is okay ... casually, once a week, or on special occasions ... and at some point
the kids decide for themselves what is casual, what is special, and if a couple times a week is maybe okay. Kids hate the
"do as I say, not as I do" **** just as much as
we did as kids. Just like kids hate to feel like they have no voice, no control, and no independence.
I mentioned this months ago as a great starting point for parents:
http://www.amazon.com/Yes-Your-Teen-Crazy-Without/dp/0936197447/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1
I suggest it again today.
Again, I don't have it in me to give the details of the past 5 months, but living through adolescence from the
"parent" side of life is a bit of a ****ing nightmare. I'm kinda glad I'm not dealing with the adolescent version of myself, but from a dude's standpoint, building teen girls is a ****ing nightmare (I know what dudes are about). But I love her, and it's the job I took on.
Right when I think that wonderful 15 year old girl isn't the type to do something
"crazy", after getting off work early, I pull up to the overflow parking to see her in a car with a 17-year-old boy's hand down her shirt, and his other hand wildly working her crotch within the shorts. Within the underwear (as I found out).
Temporary insanity? I'd say yessir/yesma'am.
Other than a couple people here, none of you know me in person. I'm a nice guy, but I'm also a big guy, and I'm many years into re-making myself into a more calm, collected guy ... as opposed to the guy who broke people noses, arms and collar bones over
"mom jokes".
But the rage is hard to contain when ya see something like that. And forcing asphyxiation on someone starts to look like a pretty **** good idea. But that's no good for me, no good for her, and definitely no good for him.
I gotta stop going on about that. I've been awake for 43 hours. I'm probably rambling. Time to sleep (and wake in 5½ hours).
Back to the topic here.
Anyway, it's not for me to say whether calling the police was a good idea or not, nor is it for me to say whether or not the corrections that were put into place were a good idea. It's your kid, and it's your call.
What I can say is this, and this is offered in the most humble way possible, please, take a look at that book. Give it a try. It's not even $10 as of this post. It's a great starting point (in my opinion).
And of course, best of luck to you, and your daughter.
Her world isn't the same as ours was. When I was a youth, fights were one on one, and people stopped it at some point. These days,
many kids will beat the **** out of one kid, and
nobody stops it. In my day, hitting a girl was a no-no. These days, far too many of the girls think getting hit is okay, especially if they
"dissed" their boyfriend in some way. We've given the youth of today a ****ed up world loaded with conflicting information. Don't drink son, and hey, get me a beer from the fridge and we'll talk about it. I've heard parents that just found out their kid gets drunk every once in a while say to us,
"well, at least he's not doing drugs" ... and I think to myself,
"what the motherfuck is wrong with you?"
Anyway, best of luck to you,
and your daughter.
).
