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So what are you thinking now? New thread!

It's not too late. And I still think it was much "easier" for me to "train" them because I was not their mom. I had no guilt about them or feelings of trying to make up for what I missed, etc.

They aren't perfect. The oldest 2 are crap students, but they all have their strengths. They are hard workers. My worst student has a GREAT job that he is so responsible with. He turns 18 in May and they will be making him a manager. Sometimes, that is good enough :)

Part also is that when they were small, DH and I both worked full time. It is much easier not to feel guilty about "doing" when you are not SAHM. We had a BIG backslide that lasted almost a year when I first stopped working full time.

It is easy to take everything upon yourself. But no good for the kids, generally.

Once you have good expectations, you might be surprised by their strengths and interests. One of my kids trades laundry duty for cooking day. One likes to cook, one doesn't mind laundry. You see.

Fun stuff!
 
skincarekathy said:
I'm not Valerie, but all 3 of our kids have been doing the stuff Val posted since they were very small.

I had nephew doing it from 2-3 years old when we were alone, together. Then when DH came with his kids (5 and 7 years old), they were already trained for it and we kept up with it.

They all make their beds, do their laundry, they don't have any clutter around in their rooms. If they make dinner, it is the panini-pasta dish type, but at least they made it!

:lol:
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I don't make my kids do nearly enough. My 6 year old twins don't even pick up their toys until I get out a garbage bag and start picking them up myself. Leah puts her dirty laundry next to the hamper rather than in it, which is better than Laney who leaves it in the middle of her bedroom floor. Laney likes to swiffer the floors and feed the dog.

Jack's almost 9 and generally picks up his own stuff, plays with the baby while I cook/clean, and helps pick up after the girls. He can unload/reload the dishwasher, let the dog out, carry in groceries.

I know I need to make them do more than that, but not really sure where to start.
 
Just start small. One thing at a time. When they master that, add something else.

Put a note on the door. ALL LAUNDRY MUST BE IN THE HAMPER.

Then, any laundry that doesn't get in the hamper, take it away every day and quietly put it in a trash bag in your closet. HOPE HOPE HOPE that their favorite garment is in there. Then, when they have no clothes and ask you why, you can tell them. When they want their things back, tell them they can have them back after X number of days of putting clothes in the hamper every time. If they wear the same outfit 4x a week, tough.

Like that. That also works with room clutter and making beds.

Also I wanted to mention we do not pay the kids to do "chores." I don't really think of it as chores. They used to have an allowance but not for many years now. Now the oldest works and has his own $, the middle one struggles because until he is 17 it will be tough for him to get a job, so I do pay him $20 a week for a thorough cleaning of the house. Baby doesn't seem to require money yet, if he wants to do something special he will ask. It is usually a couple bucks to go walking to the gas station with a friend, etc. Not often.
 
I grew up in rural farming community, was cooking, doing laundry/dishes(both by hand) for the family at about 8 or 9, it surprised me when the city girls asked me how to fry an egg or how to use a rice cooker when I went to college. :)
 
My childhood was farmy too. Not much I didn't do from an early age.

No rice cooker, though!

:lol:
 
I've done the "toy jail" and made them earn back toys they didn't pick up, but I need to be more consistent about it. I love the idea of taking clothes that they don't pick up, but they share clothes. How would you handle it if one of them was putting them in the hamper and one wasn't?

What are some good chores for 6 year olds?
 
I think we are waaaaay too easy on our kids with chores--just keep thinking to yourself--how will you feel if you "hand-off" your child to their mate and they have no skills on cleaning or cooking??

when my dd or ds ( the only 2 at home now) start slacking I say things like..Well if you have an issue folding my clothes --or washing my dishes then I have a problem shopping for food for you to eat, or a phone for you to use.. we are a family and it takes many people to make a household run

even a 6 year old can understand that.

My DH's cousin has 10 kids--when she only had like 4 we were by their house--a 2.5 year old spilled their cup-Mom handed a towel to the child and had one herself, they cleaned the mess together--instead of just shoo-ing the child away from the mess

makes sense..

LOL as for cooking my dd is horrible about learning the basics-I just told her--doesnt it drive you crazy when we go to grandmas and she is so lost in the kitchen?? well that's going to be you!!
 
skincarekathy said:
My childhood was farmy too. Not much I didn't do from an early age.

No rice cooker, though!

:lol:
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I was cooking with a wood stove and no rice cooker up to I was 14, we moved into a new house with 24/7 electricity (vs 5-10 p.m. electricity before that) when I was 14.

I was the designated cook at girl scout camping, I was the only one could make cooked rice (vs half cooked) in open fire. My mom thought girl scout is for city girls, we rural folks live those skills the girl scouts taught. LOL
 
trust me if you take away privileges from the kids they take note and change their ways

I can talk talk talk but until I started actually following through my kids did minimal-take away electronics--or television or treats wow all of a sudden attitude changes
 
blonditz said:
I've done the "toy jail" and made them earn back toys they didn't pick up, but I need to be more consistent about it. I love the idea of taking clothes that they don't pick up, but they share clothes. How would you handle it if one of them was putting them in the hamper and one wasn't?
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EVEN BETTER!!! Peer pressure will solve many more problems than you will need to!

Children of the age you have deal in absolutes. If the clothes aren't in the hamper, they go to jail.

For yourself, just start small, too. Once a day, sweep the house with a trash bag. Take away all clothing (dirty or clean) that isn't in the hamper or put away. Put the sign on the door or by the hamper. This will take you only a couple of minutes. You don't need to discuss it with them, and I don't explain myself, either. If the kids ask, I will explain once, then after that it is simply "we talked about this already, the rule is this, I'm sorry you didn't comply." Conversation over. LOL. Be prepared for some dramatics and/or crying, but it doesn't take that long if you yourself are consistent.

I know it's hard with a DH who travels. Start small. Even if you can just get one thing under control it will make you feel SO POWERFUL!

:hug:
 
I totally agree with the "sibling peer pressure" method. My DD's are 15 months apart and share a room. One is clean, One is messy. They clean one often complains about the messy one and my response is always....."I'm sorry xyz is happening, you will need to work it out between the two of you." Usually never hear about that problem again.
 
focadima said:
trust me if you take away privileges from the kids they take note and change their ways

I can talk talk talk but until I started actually following through my kids did minimal-take away electronics--or television or treats wow all of a sudden attitude changes
Click to expand...

I've taken away electronics and desert. I think my biggest problem is I'm not consistent. I'll do really good making them help, then we'll have a crazy day and I decide it's easier to just do everything myself. I need to stop doing that!
 
I said to my 18 year old DD the other day

"I see you spent your night downstairs doing laundry watching tv, yet you chose to pile my laundry up in the basket instead of taking 5 minutes to fold it, so see that grocery list you have written out there, yeah well i am not going to buy any of it..."

she then folded my laundry-which is not how I want things to run..but atleast she folded my laundry..
 
blonditz said:
I've taken away electronics and desert. I think my biggest problem is I'm not consistent. I'll do really good making them help, then we'll have a crazy day and I decide it's easier to just do everything myself. I need to stop doing that!
Click to expand...

your days probably wouldn't be so crazy if you had some consistent help :)
 
Do you feel the need to feel needed as SAHM?

I felt that's why MIL did everything for her two boys and FIL (even to this days). DH grew up never did any chores. When I first came here, the wound of a recent open surgery was still raw, I asked him to bring in the groceries (we lived the second floor of an apartment), he must have complained to his mom because MIL told me "Why didn't you do it yourself?"

My mom worked out of home and she needed helpers, so as the eldest of five, I am trained to take over a lot of chores, so as my brother who is one year younger than me. My brother ironed all our school uniforms, splitted firewood and all the boy's chores, whereas I cleaned, cooked, and babysat the younger siblings. My younger sisters took over the cleaning and cooking after I went to college or whenever they were home from their boarding school. The only exception is my youngest brother, he was born in the mid 80s when economic was leaping and living condition improved, my mom "retired" at 45 and stayed home, so my youngest brother never have to do chores.
 
focadima said:
your days probably wouldn't be so crazy if you had some consistent help :)
Click to expand...

Which is why I know I NEED to crack down on them. Dh has been working 10 hour days 6 days a week, plus an hour plus commute each way. He pretty much leaves as the kids are getting up and gets home as they're going to bed. So I'm on my own for dinner, homework, clean up, bedtime.

I think I'm going to do the toy/clothes jail and make them earn them back. I'm also going to take away all electronics before school, which is harder since the girls are in afternoon kindergarten. They need to clean up their toys (girls) and do homework (Jack) before electronics can come out. To make myself stick to this I will make them hand them over at bedtime and put them in my locked storage closet until they earn them back.

How does that sound?
 
After they get that down I can add on. But I'm going to start with them all picking up their own clothes/toys, which is mostly a problem with the girls, and Jack not fighting me on homework.
 
lf5058 said:
Do you feel the need to feel needed as SAHM?

I felt that's why MIL did everything for her two boys and FIL (even to this days). DH grew up never did any chores. When I first came here, the wound of a recent open surgery was still raw, I asked him to bring in the groceries (we lived the second floor of an apartment), he must have complained to his mom because MIL told me "Why didn't you do it yourself?"

My mom worked out of home and she needed helpers, so as the eldest of five, I am trained to take over a lot of chores, so as my brother who is one year younger than me. My brother ironed all our school uniforms, splitted firewood and all the boy's chores, whereas I cleaned, cooked, and babysat the younger siblings. My younger sisters took over the cleaning and cooking after I went to college or whenever they were home from their boarding school. The only exception is my youngest brother, he was born in the mid 80s when economic was leaping and living condition improved, my mom "retired" at 45 and stayed home, so my youngest brother never have to do chores.
Click to expand...

I think it's more I'm just doing what my mom always did. She never really made us do anything. She did all the cooking/cleaning herself, even when she was a single mom. I actually hate that she never taught me to do anything. I had to learn to cook on my own, and I'm still not great at it. Same with cleaning. Yet I find myself doing the same thing with my kids.
 
I didn't really "enjoy" doing all the chores growing up, especially when there were times I would rather play with the neighborhood kids in the evening or when it conflicted with my schedule when I was in middle and high school. As an adult I am grateful it taught me about priority and the skills to live frugally and independently.

That's why I kept telling DH, no one would rather spend time doing laundry/dishes, scrubbing the toilet/tub instead of going out with friend or movie , but these are chores someone has to do it, whether you enjoy it or not. You share the chores because you share the same living space.
 
This reminds me of an interview I heard Madonna give once about her daughter. This blog kind of recaps it but gives it a more sinister twist than the way I remember hearing her talk about it on a talk show. Lourdes would leave her clothes all over the floor, and so in an effort not only to get her to clean up after herself but to teach her appreciation for having what she does, she would take all of her clothes, bag them up and she had to earn them back. Until they were earned back, she had to wear the same outfit to school every day (washed every evening).

http://www.betterparentinginstitute...lls/styles-of-parenting-lifestyle-too-severe/
 
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